Teenage mid-life crisis

In My Humble Opinion
1

Basically, I’m one of those people that has been ‘set-up’ to succeed, but I feel that through some sick twist of fate, I’m slowly slipping into failure. Throughout my whole life I’ve always been top of the class, naturally good at sports and basically reaping in the rewards of that. Now I’m at a really good university where everyone is way cleverer than me, has such in-depth talents, awesome personalities, has the right contacts etc. I feel like I’ve wasted my life having tried to be good at everything but brilliant at nothing.

Sport: Played tennis from a very young age and was good enough to play and win for my schools/college, but never got into competing seriously. Had the opporutnity to take private coaching from a young age, did for a bit then stopped. 'Carried on with group coaching for years. Now coming to university, the standard is much higher and I feel like I haven’t developed sport to my full potential even though I know that if I had been coached and nurtured, I would have been very good because at school, I would always pick things up the fastest and do well in inter-city competitions despite having no experience in it previously e.g. once came 4th in the city for javelin. I am naturally very athletic.

Academics: Pretty much an A student, always confident in my abilities and skills academically through a combination of hard-work and intelligence. Until now that is, because I’m at a very prestigious university and everyone is just magical at their subject whilst I am just scraping through despite spending hours and hours on my work. I feel like I’m really struggling but don’t want to drop out because if I do, I could never get the job I want to do (media/PR/advertising).

Music: Played piano and violin for about 10 years. Only ever got to grade 5, now I feel like I wasted my potential on that because of course everyone at uni is pretty much diploma standard as well as being national standard at their sport and getting a first-class degree on top of all that.

Drama: Used to do it when I was younger, but gave it up. Dabbled in a little drama recently and a friend said I was pretty good and should take it up again, except I have pretty much spent 7 years having not acted at all and I think I would have problems learning lines.

Socially: Not only is my confidence being rocked in my supposedly steadfast world of academics. I’ve also been having to contemplate my sexuality which I have questioned from about the age of 15. Basically, I’m unsure if I could be gay or not. I’ve had several relationships but have never been in love in any of them.

Financially: I come from a poor but very hard-working immigrant family who have worked their asses off to provide everything so that I have a comfortable life whilst trying to provide for their own families in their native countries. I feel like if I don’t get a degree, all their ‘investment’ in me will have gone to waste. Financially at the moment, we’re not well-off because I’m at university, not earning money whilst spending lots and my parents now have separate mortgages to pay as they just divorced. I feel like I need to get a good job (and I really want to) or else I can’t make up for all the losses.

I feel like if I died, it would have no impact on the world around me. Even though I am part of several teams/groups, I am not an integral part of any. So basically, I feel like I’ve wasted all my opportunities and that its now too late to start over. I’ve gone through my life being a Jack of All Trades but a Master of None and now I’m paying the price. You’d think that having had the opportunity to try everything, I’d have mastered at least one of those spheres. But I haven’t. And I feel lost and sick and in a state of limbo. I feel like I’m an ambiguous something, without an identity.

I want to do something rewarding with my life. But of course going abroad to build an ophanage actually costs lots of money and as you will have read above, I really don’t have that kind of cash to be splashing around. Also, that kind of work is voluntary so I woudn’t be earning anything either.

Please, wise-citizens of Straightdope, ease me.

2

Part of me wants to say, “Watch It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Part of me wants to say, “Watch all five seasons of Quantum Leap.”

Part of me wants to say, “The vast, hugely overwhelming majority of the people on this planet will die without having had the kind of ‘impact’ on the world around them that I suspect you mean. Welcome to the human race.”

You’re not going through a mid-life crisis: you’re going through adolescence. You haven’t found your identity yet, so all of the things you’ve done feel like costumes you’ve worn. It will come with time. Hang in there, you’re off to a better start than most people get.

Oh, great: now part of me wants to say, “Read The Great Gatsby.” :slight_smile:

3

Okay, so I had a better start, but it would seem I haven’t taken advantage of this better start so it’s just null and void now? So I’ve done well in school in the past, well the point of going to school is to get good grades to go to uni to get a degree to get a job. I feel like I’m about to collapse at the last hurdle so all my efforts will be to waste?

4

it’s never too late to realize who you really are and act accordingly, doing the things you love. Set your own standards, don’t try to live up to other people’s demands or to demands of your own that are too high. As KTK (with whom I concur) says, most people die without having made an impact - but most of them die surrounded by people who love them, and seeing as you say that you have a family working their asses of to help you, I’m guessing this goes for you too. One other ‘standard’ that you seem to have set yourself: ‘be straight’. it’s ok to be unsure about what you are, you’ll find out sooner or later and when you do, you’ll find that none of the possibilities sexual-orientation-wise are any worse or better than the other options.

One final thing: you can do rewarding things for free, and they don’t need to be big, like building an orphanage; start small. Look at me, for instance; here I am writing a supporting message on the internet for someone who I’ll likely never meet, when really I should be working my ass off :slight_smile:

5

…Gone through your life?. You’re just starting your life. You sound well-rounded. So you haven’t found your passion yet! You may find it when you’re 50. Enjoy your life. It’s not a competition; it’s a journey. There will always be A LOT of people who are more clever, more socially adept, more this, or more that. Few of us are at the tippy top of our field. Relax and enjoy the ride.

Try looking at your education as a way to learn about the world around you rather than as a meal ticket.

6

Never quit.
Take everything in your stride.
Go on an extended road trip.

7

I’m a high school AP teacher. I know you. Swear to god I do. I’ve watched this transition with a lot of my kids (I do keep up with my kids) and I know exactly where you are. And I know it’s hard. Here’s the advice I usually give:

Socially: assuming you are going back to the same school next year, I’d strongly suggest you do something different with your living arrangements. I’ve known several kids who were bored and disconnected their freshman year, but when they went back and were in a different dorm or other living arrangement, discovered that there was nothing wrong with them, they just happened to land in a situation where it was hard to meet people. Next year, 25% of the campus will turn over, there will be all these new people, you’ll have a new roommate–things may look up considerably.

On self-improvement: we raise kids to be so competitive these days that they think something’s only worth doing if it will impress people. If you want to play piano again, take a one-hour piano course next semester and tell the guy you just want to learn for yourself. You don’t even have to tell anyone you are doing it. You like the theater? You don’t have to amaze anyone, get a job as a tech gopher and watch and decide if it’s for you.

Academics–what is “scrapping by”? Are you having to work your ass off to get a B (normal) or are you having to work your ass off just to pass (cause for some concern)? I will tell you I found college to get easier, not harder, because once you learn how to learn in that structure, it gets much easier.

On earnings potential: let that take care of itself. Get your own head straight, first, and then you’ll find that fixes itself.

Sports: if you are used to being physically active and you’ve stopped, that’s probably part of why you feel so frustrated and down. Get involved in something. You don’t have to be the best. I’d look to intermural things like Ultimate Frisbee (and tennis players are GREAT at Ultimate, IME) or basketball or raquetball. Repeat over and over to yourself that you don’t have to be the best there, you just have to be ok. To me, this sounds like your biggest hurdle. You want to be The Best, and if you can’t be The Best, then it’s pointless. This is something you need to really try to overcome.

Sexuality: That will fix itself, as well. One question–feel free to ignore it–is it that you are attracted to boys, or is it that you aren’t attracted to girls? The latter doesn’t always imply the former, but sometimes boys worry that it does, if that makes any sense.

8

You’ve been getting good advice, Grathania - basically, you are going through a critical period in your life where you have the intellectual, emotional and experiencial growth in place to recognize that you are the captain of your own ship, and now you are a bit stuck with how you need to act. You have some inklings - about your likes and dislikes, your gender preference, etc. - but you don’t have the conviction yet to get focused and bear down to accomplish things - and yet you see other folks around you who seem that focused - so why aren’t you? Is that a fair portrayal of your situation?

Unfortunately, everyone finds focus at their own pace, is likely to drift in and out of focus - oh, and everyone else is always going to appear more focused than you. Part of emerging from adolescence into adulthood is recognizing these truths enough that you stop constantly beating yourself up over what you see as your deficiencies. We ALL have them.

What can you do? Honestly, the best thing I can recommend is to keep busy - not in a super-active, over-achiever sort of way (unless that is your nature), but more in a “stay engaged in your current life, or put yourself in a new situation” sort of way. So yeah, a year abroad in school or on the road could be a great thing - it was for me my 3rd year of university. Or really get involved in a group at your university - political, arts, social - whatever. Jumping into some new activities not only keep you from moping - and let’s be clear, all humans face struggles, and sometimes we allow ourselves to drift into a mopey place - but by doing stuff, you are gathering more data points about what you like and dislike so you can make choices that are better for you and maybe even answer some of the questions you have.

Sorry you are going through this - but please recognize that is your unique, painful version of something that most folks go through. The question is what you do with it - if you let it smother you, well, that’s not good. If you put yourself in motion, you will be able to look at your situation from other perspectives and be better positioned to choose how you want to deal with it.

Hope this helps - but I know sometimes it is easier to offer advice than it is to act on it - best of luck.

9

Manda JO: I have plenty of friends so that’s probably the only okay part of my life at the moment, and I have some great housemates next year…

Your points on ‘self-improvement’ are so true, I do feel like if its not impressive, its not worth doing.

I think you’re also right about the physical activity thing, I feel like I’m bogged down with work so I skip my normal physical activities. It’s ironic you mentioned Ultimate Frisbee because I am actually very good at it but because it’s not a ‘conventional sport’ I didn’t really take it seriously.

Wordman: You’re also right about the conviction and focus thing. I feel like I should be specialising in something but because I’m good at everything (supposedly) but not brilliant at anything I don’t know exactly what strand to focus on. I’m trying to not let this smother me but I’m just getting so demotivated at the moment and I have exams coming up in 8 weeks for which I won’t have even finished the syllabus until 7 weeks time…

But yeah, thanks for the advice so far guys, you have hit on some interesting points. I needed those words to get me out of this negative rut I’m in.

10

I went into college with the idea that I’d become a doctor (M.D.). I was my family’s “great hope” academically and the only one to go to college. They sacrificed to put me through.

Between my junior and senior year I realized I didn’t want to pursue becoming a doctor. I was sick of going to school. I did see it through and graduated with a B.A. in biology.

At that same time I had just gotten into tinkering on cars, and had a summer job at a repair shop. That job was waiting for me when I graduated, at that’s where I went. My parents were none to pleased at this decision, but did have the grace to acknowledge that it was a decision that had to be made by me, not by them.

I’ve been in the auto repair field for 35 years now, make a reasonable living at it, and have my own shop. It’s as good a life as any other, I reckon.

Before my senior year I would never have seen this coming. If someone had told me that’s the way my life would go, I would have thought they were crazy. But we grow and change, our perspectives grow and change, and not everything in life is predictable.

Continue working towards the goals you have now. If and when something changes, follow your heart (within reason) and you’ll be fine.

KEEP IN MIND that the folks who are top-flight musicians aren’t the same folks who are top-flight athletes and none of them are the same folks who are top-flight academically. And they may all have problems you don’t know about to where if you did you’d be glad you’re not them. No one is great at everything, and precious few of us are “the best” at anything. So what? Life has plenty to offer everyone. There’s nothing to be gained by beating yourself up with comparisons to all the perceived “bests,” and there’s something to be said for having diverse interests and skills.

Be the best YOU. Give yourself some leeway in sorting that out, as it may be a few years before you have some sense of what that is. Even then, it’s something that will likely develop for decades, as you change and grow. Cut yourself some slack.

ETA: I treasure my college education. While little of it applies directly to my career, it gave me much that has been beneficial in many different aspects of life. It was certainly not a waste in my mind.

11

Gary-T: That’s a great story, it kind of gives me hope. I’m really happy that you found something you love.

12

It’s not ironic. I know exactly where you are coming from. I could pick you out of a lineup. And that’s why I can tell you that this too shall pass and you are going to come out of it a happy, well-adjusted adult in the long run, although the short-run may be rocky. This transition, for kids like you who understood the “game” of high school and were good at it, is really difficult. Your expectations about yourself are so different in the small pond of high school, and you can’t use the same standards in college. It’s a whole nuther world, and you have to accept that you aren’t ever going to be the best and most talented person you know at anything ever again, and that that isn’t a bad thing. It’s a good thing that we live in a world with so much talent and skill. But it’s hard to quit using “the best” as your standard.

This is an important part of transitioning past high school. You, presumably, aren’t playing sports anymore with a sort of goal–you aren’t trying to win first in the city, or state, or get a scholarship–you aren’t even trying to beef up a resume. A lot of the “point” of sports is gone, and that can be unsettling. Now you are just playing for fun, so try to find sports that you enjoy. IME, that’s almost easier if you avoid your “main sport” from high school, where you have a lot of baggage wrapped up in being the best, and play more casual things, things you don’t have to beat yourself up about if you don’t dominate.

You didn’t answer one important question: are you working your ass off academically to make As and Bs, or are you working your ass off just not to flunk out?

13

Kid, you’ve got everything going for you. Nearly everyone comes up against limitations. I was one of the valedictorians in high school. I graduated from college with highest honors in Electrical Engineering. I felt woefully inadequate in my first job out of college and realized that it was not where my strengths lay. I went back to grad school and found myself to be one of the stupider people there. I managed to get my master’s degree and was able to have what I consider to be a fulfilling life.

You’ve got the additional burden of immigrant parents with extremely high expectations. Be true to yourself and do not diminish yourself due ot your parents hopes (although you should appreciate where they are coming from). Do the best that you can do and you’ll do fine. You are already at the top 5% of American hopes. Most people are way off worse than you and envy your situation.

14

Manda JO: I wish I could meet you in real life! You are ABSOLUTELY bang-on in your last post about the game of high-school and meaning of sport. I bet you’re a brilliant teacher aren’t you?

About the academic thing, I get set a 3000 word essay every week. I normally get a 2:1 in them. However, my course is 100% exam based and when it came to mocks, I got a 3rd and 2:2. Worrying.

15

My best friend and I both have similar life stories. We were brought up in the US for most of our lives, and our parents were the kind of Korean parents that make you afraid to bring home anything less than an A. Then we moved to Korea and eventually majored in English Literature. We attended one of the top five universities in the country (not the same one though), were the darlings of our professors, and enjoyed respectable jobs after graduation. Then both of applied to school in the US - she ended up going to law school at an Ivy League, I entered an MA program at a top-tier school.

Our first semester, both of us were overwhelmed and depressed and convinced we were idiots beyond redemption. She would call and tell me about her classmates, who were the same age as we were yet had recently founded libraries in Africa (I’m not even kidding). I would tell her about sitting in class and listening to my peers reference scholars and texts I’d never even heard of, much less read. My first paper that quarter, I got a C+. It was a very humbling experience for both of us.

Two years later, both of us are doing fine. I graduated with a respectable GPA and am now working as a community college adjunct professor; she’s finishing up her last year of law school and has landed a job with a NY law firm. Everything just kind of worked out for both of us eventually. I think both of us learned that just because our peers are extraordinary doesn’t mean we’re good-for-nothings.

So yeah, I don’t really have any concrete advice to offer (and other posters in this thread have already offered good advice) - I just wanted to share my story and offer my sympathies. I’ve been there.

16

Would it help to know that many of your peers at school probably feel just as you do now? Sure, they may be great at playing tennis, but lousy at doing math. Or, they may be drama stars, but cannot play the piano worth a damn. Or, they may have got straight As all the way through high school, and now find that academic work at university doesn’t come quite as easily as it did at high school.

If I recall my own undergrad days correctly, a university selects the top high school students, and so those of us who were selected all felt as if we were special and unique. It was a bit of a shock to find that when we were all thrown together in university lectures and activities, we were all pretty much the same. A new “average” had been created, if you will, and while most of us just dealt with it and carried on as best we could, some couldn’t take being “just one of the crowd” and dropped out. The same held true when I attended law school many years afterward–you had to be the best of the best in your undergrad to get into law school; and again, some had problems when, after years of being the best of the best, they were in with others like them and (in some cases for the first time in their life) just average. And again, our class suffered some attrition over the years because of this.

I like GaryT’s story, and I like his advice: be the best YOU that you can be. I was always a lousy tennis player, but when you got right down to it, I hated playing tennis. So I don’t play tennis–but I love to golf. I do like music, and while I will never be a great musician (a fact I’ve accepted), I can work to improve and I happily play for my own enjoyment. Math and science are incomprehensible to me, so I spent a number of years being a writer. Then, I went into law instead of medicine or engineering. Over many years, I learned my limitations, I learned what I liked to do and did well, and learned what I should stay away from. Most importantly, I learned that I didn’t have to be the best in everything to enjoy it or even to be successful with it. I just had to be the best ME I could be, in other words. If that approach worked to get me past a set standard (as, for example, earning a degree requires), great. If it didn’t; well, maybe it was a message, and besides, there were other challenges. Muffin’s advice is sound and deserves repeating here: get to know yourself.

Other than that, find some time each day to read a (non-school) book, to watch a little TV, and/or to just get out and play. The schoolbooks will always be there, and you’ll return to them refreshed and renewed after devoting a little time to yourself and your own needs. Don’t worry about what anybody else thinks; as I said, they’re probably just as worried and scared as you are. You’ll be one step up on them however because you know this. Good luck!

17

Why would you think that? Mastery comes from investing time in something, and if you’ve spread your time across everything, you may excel at all those things, but you won’t truly master any of them.

Any idiot can be good at piano, sports, drama, or whatever if their parents send them to lessons for 10 years. Any idiot can get into law school if your parents are heavily involved and have primed you for success. That doesn’t mean you have native talent in it, nor that you’ll enjoy it.

At some point you need to stop trying to be the golden child of everything and decide what profession you will be content to spend your 20’s beating your brains out in. Start thinking hard about what that will be for you, and let go of these other things you feel you’re supposed to be good at. Stop comparing yourself to the wonder-children around you. Having a wicked backhand won’t get you into a good PhD program. Nobody ever says “Let me recommend you a top-notch lawyer I know, she can play violin that will bring tears to your eyes.” The good news for you is you still have time to get your priorities in order. Good luck!

Edited to add: If you’re frustrated because you can’t figure out what you’re going to do, don’t be surprised, you’ve probably spent little time thinking about it. Don’t choose something just to choose something. Think about it. Take time off if you need to.

18

Just wanted to say bravo on realizing in time that life is about what doing what you find rewarding. I ended up going to medical school, and it’s been fun and interesting at times, but it’s not an easy life and there have been many times when I regret all that I had to give up to pursue it. That’s coming from someone who did consider it my dream, and does have a genuine interest in the topic. For someone who goes into this because of other people’s hopes/dreams, or just to make money, I think it would be torture. It’s much harder, both financially and emotionally, to drop out of medical school once you’ve started than to never go in the first place, so there are a lot of unhappy folks in this career who are basically “trapped”. That’s why I definitely believe in doing something you truly believe in, not what other people thnk you should do.

19

Having skipped some of the responses, please forgive me if I missed something important or am repeating things.

Sounds like you are naturally good at a lot of things and so have never really had to work hard at a lot of them.

When you move to ever larger pools as you grow up, things get more complex, more difficult. Skating through on natural talent might make you the ‘best’ at nearly everything in one school, only to leave you floundering at the next level. That’s because at the first school, you were never really challenged to improve yourself, and now you’re running into all the other You’s from all the other schools. It can be one helluva shock to not be the top person anymore, and it can cause you to doubt yourself.

But congratulations, you just learned the biggest rule of life. There’s always someone better than you somewhere. Accept that you’re “good”, but not “great” at a great many things. Accept that as a True Blessing in Life, because the vast majority of people don’t have that going for them. As you go along and as you look back, you will see how many others around you didn’t, and don’t have that blessing. This is not for you to pity others or look down on them, but for you to understand how lucky you are.

If you really want to be great at something, you’re going to have to work hard at it. Understand that it is that competition with others that brings out the best in us, that makes us work harder than we ever believed possible. If you’re the best and no one can challenge you, there’s no reason to work hard to better yourself, because you are already “the best”. But if you’re trying to knock someone else off that pedistal, or if others are challenging you hard to knock you off that pedistal, only then do you challenge yourself to do the things you never thought you could do.

Like Spoons says, learn your limitations. Accept them, but always challenge them. Well all have them, some more than others.

Finally, one of the big lessons. Let the past go. Don’t spend your life trying to make up for it. You’ll only make yourself unhappy and ruin the Now. Do your best, live for today, create for the future.

20

Hey man, everyone has that realization when they get to college that they’re suddenly a much smaller fish in a much bigger bowl.

The trick is to realize that there are things that you were good at because your competition wasn’t so great, and that there are still things that you’re just good at, regardless of your competition.

Ultimately though, it’s about what makes you happy with yourself. If you like volunteering at the old-folks home, then do that. If you like playing competitive tennis, then do that. If you like acting, then do that. If you can, make it your career. The last thing you want is to wake up every day and get that sinking feeling when you realize you have to go back to work.

You’re at the point in your life where all options are still open, but you have enough experience and knowledge to make the best of them. Nobody said that you have to be world-class in anything- 99.9999% of everyone isn’t. Most people are pretty good at something though, so figure that out, and you can’t go so very wrong.