Basically, I’m one of those people that has been ‘set-up’ to succeed, but I feel that through some sick twist of fate, I’m slowly slipping into failure. Throughout my whole life I’ve always been top of the class, naturally good at sports and basically reaping in the rewards of that. Now I’m at a really good university where everyone is way cleverer than me, has such in-depth talents, awesome personalities, has the right contacts etc. I feel like I’ve wasted my life having tried to be good at everything but brilliant at nothing.
Sport: Played tennis from a very young age and was good enough to play and win for my schools/college, but never got into competing seriously. Had the opporutnity to take private coaching from a young age, did for a bit then stopped. 'Carried on with group coaching for years. Now coming to university, the standard is much higher and I feel like I haven’t developed sport to my full potential even though I know that if I had been coached and nurtured, I would have been very good because at school, I would always pick things up the fastest and do well in inter-city competitions despite having no experience in it previously e.g. once came 4th in the city for javelin. I am naturally very athletic.
Academics: Pretty much an A student, always confident in my abilities and skills academically through a combination of hard-work and intelligence. Until now that is, because I’m at a very prestigious university and everyone is just magical at their subject whilst I am just scraping through despite spending hours and hours on my work. I feel like I’m really struggling but don’t want to drop out because if I do, I could never get the job I want to do (media/PR/advertising).
Music: Played piano and violin for about 10 years. Only ever got to grade 5, now I feel like I wasted my potential on that because of course everyone at uni is pretty much diploma standard as well as being national standard at their sport and getting a first-class degree on top of all that.
Drama: Used to do it when I was younger, but gave it up. Dabbled in a little drama recently and a friend said I was pretty good and should take it up again, except I have pretty much spent 7 years having not acted at all and I think I would have problems learning lines.
Socially: Not only is my confidence being rocked in my supposedly steadfast world of academics. I’ve also been having to contemplate my sexuality which I have questioned from about the age of 15. Basically, I’m unsure if I could be gay or not. I’ve had several relationships but have never been in love in any of them.
Financially: I come from a poor but very hard-working immigrant family who have worked their asses off to provide everything so that I have a comfortable life whilst trying to provide for their own families in their native countries. I feel like if I don’t get a degree, all their ‘investment’ in me will have gone to waste. Financially at the moment, we’re not well-off because I’m at university, not earning money whilst spending lots and my parents now have separate mortgages to pay as they just divorced. I feel like I need to get a good job (and I really want to) or else I can’t make up for all the losses.
I feel like if I died, it would have no impact on the world around me. Even though I am part of several teams/groups, I am not an integral part of any. So basically, I feel like I’ve wasted all my opportunities and that its now too late to start over. I’ve gone through my life being a Jack of All Trades but a Master of None and now I’m paying the price. You’d think that having had the opportunity to try everything, I’d have mastered at least one of those spheres. But I haven’t. And I feel lost and sick and in a state of limbo. I feel like I’m an ambiguous something, without an identity.
I want to do something rewarding with my life. But of course going abroad to build an ophanage actually costs lots of money and as you will have read above, I really don’t have that kind of cash to be splashing around. Also, that kind of work is voluntary so I woudn’t be earning anything either.
Please, wise-citizens of Straightdope, ease me.