Teenage mid-life crisis

In My Humble Opinion
21

Mid life crisis?! You haven’t even gone through your 20-something quarter life crisis or 30-something “where did my youth go” crisis yet!!

Personally, I’d rather be the dumbest guy at Harvard than the most brilliant guy at Retard State U. I’d rather have people around me who push me to do better. I get frustrated and resentful when I have to constantly carry people or show them how to figure stuff out. In fact, I transferred to a much more prestigeous business school after a semester because I was thinking “I’m studying to be a leader in business and finance and this class has idiot housewives who can’t calculate Net Present Value? Fuck this school.”

You’re where you are because people think you deserve to be there. Take the opportunity to try as many different things as you can (just make sure to keep your grades up because you’ll need them).

For more specific advice:

Sport: If you didn’t come to school on a Division I scholorship or equivalent, than it’s just recreactional (my boss used to say things like “Your resume says you like mountainclimbing…did you climb Everest? No? Then I don’t care.”) In other words, you aren’t looking to make a career out of tennis or track. Join the teams if you like playing, but don’t beat yourself up over not being the best of the best.

Academics: Pick a major you think you might enjoy over the next 10 years. My biggest mistake was continuing to pursue an engineering degree to graduation even though I had no interest in it after sophomore year and wasn’t very good at it anyway.

Music: What “potential”? Watch American Idol. Every week the top contestents selected from a pool of tens of thousands compete to be in the next batch of cruise ship singers. Again, unless you are a musical prodigy, music is only worth pursuing to the point that you enjoy it.

Drama: One again, see my comments on sports and music. One does not dabble in a career in acting. You either have the burning desire to be a waiter or you don’t.

Socially: Well, only you can decide if you like cock or not. Fraid I can’t help you there. As to the rest of your social life, do you feel close with your friends or are they merely acquaintances from your various activities? Are they people who challenge you or are you the “superstar” of the group?

Financially: Well, no one goes to a prestigeous college so they can aspire to a shitty job. Ultimately yes, you don’t want to waste your time and money studying bullshit that won’t make you more employable. But you need to balance what will get you a job with what you like doing. It doesn’t do you any good to bust your ass for 4 years, go to an Ivy League law school, get top grades, work for a prestigeous law firm, work 100 hours a week until you make partner and then wake up at 40 to say “what the fuck am I doing this bullshit and working with all these assholes for?”

“I feel like if I died, it would have no impact on the world around me.”
Probably not…Unless you died by falling out of an airplane. That would make an impact.
I felt much the same way you did my freshman year. I got decent enough grades and played some sports in HS but college seemed like everyone was captain of their lacrosse team and validictorian at some fancy New England prep school. By the end of sophomore year though, I had pretty much figured out what I liked doing and where I fit in and all that.

One thing I realized is that pretty much everyone does the same thing. The grass always seems greener. I told one of my buddies “you know what those guys across the street at the ‘cool fraternity’ are doing right now? The same shit we are - finshing their dinner, maybe having a few beers, watching some TV and getting ready for class tomorrow.” I don’t know anyone who’s doing anything that awesome.

And ultimately no one cares what you do except for you.

22

My only advice would be: Relax. College is supposed to be fun, have some.

23

Chimera: You’ve got me to a tee. Before, I knew how much work to put in, and what results that would get me. So I would always do enough work to get an A. But now, I don’t know what I need to do to get an A and it sucks. Is it just because I’ve reached my capacity? I mean, how do you break through this? Obviously I managed to get through some of the toughest application processes in the world to get here but sometimes I can’t help wondering whether it’s just because I did well in those interviews.

MsSmith537: You speak such wise words, you should write a column or something.

24

I had been burned out for a decade, but working in IT because it paid very well. Then I had a major, stress induced life-changing back injury about the time of my 39th birthday. My blood pressure was through the roof. I hated my job, I hated my friends, I hated my life, I hated myself. And when the injury happened, I took it as a very clear sign that if I didn’t change, I was going to be dead within a year. I put in my notice about a month later.

My advice to anyone else is: Don’t wait until you reach that point.

Nearly seven years later, I still don’t know what to do and life isn’t all roses. But I’m alive, and I’m a much happier person inside.

The problem is that you’ve never tested your own limits, you’ve never had to work to your full capacity. So even now, you’re in a mindset of “how much do I have to do” rather than simply doing the best that you can do. How much does it take to get an A? That’s not the question. The question is; Have I done my best?

25

Hey, hey, watch it pal. I’ve got a degree from Retard State U.

26

I just want to chime in to say that there’s immense value in being a generalist. A generalist is adaptable and dependable at being able to take anything you throw at them and handle it competently. You can often find yourself in the intersection between two or more fields and that’s a comfortable place to be as you serve as a bridge and translator and you can make the connections and insights which other people lack.

Where I’m at right now with my research, I’m drawing on material from Computer Science, Psychology, Sociology, Game Theory, Urban Planning, Design & Communications among other things and it’s fascinating seeing the inter-relation between these fields.

On the other hand, discovering a one true love and mastering it is also a worthwhile endeavor and both can lead to success if you’re capable.

27

I’m kind of going through the same thing. For the past 4 years I’ve been working at the same consulting firm. Pretty senior too. And I couldn’t stand it. I’m just glad to be out.

Anyhow, to the OP, you don’t need to figure out everything right away.

Didn’t you guys used to play Retard A&M?

28

Welcome to the Dope, fellow Jack-of -all trades.

May I first point out (as obvious as it is) that you are still in training. Part of the purpose of said training is to find out where your interests and aptitudes are.

For most people, this stage of their education is difficult because they start to have to face up to the fact that no one is stellar in all areas of life. I think this is where for some their Cinderella complex starts - they feel they are not capable of meeting expectations. However, because open failure or admitting that* they *think they can’t meet expectations is not acceptable to them, they gamely do their best and “fake it”. To their surprise, they succeed often enough that they appear successful to everyone else but not to themselves. I guarantee you that some of your classmates who look so "with it"are in fact panicking much the same way you are under the “I’m in control” exterior they’re projecting.

Being a jack-of-all-trades kind of person gives you an amazing foundation for life in general and for pursuing your passion / vocation. It really gives you a leg up in consistently understanding things that other people will find difficult to learn - at least this is my personal experience. The difficulty for the jack-of-all trades as he / she progress through life is maintaining the breadth of skills and knowledge; it becomes harder partly because society rewards one for specializing and one can pay specialists in other fields to cover one’s deficiencies .

One of my favorite quotes is from Robert Heinlein, in his novel Time Enough for Love: “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a compute, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.” You can debate which things would change on the list in the modern world, but that doesn’t change the point being made.

The iconic narrowly focused genius is much like the idiot savant, IMHO; both can do cool parlour tricks that are much admired, but need to be held by the hand in most other things they do.

As a medical specialist, I find I need and use skills and knowledge from “outside my field” routinely at work, never mind afterhours in my personal / social life. Many of my social interests and hobbies come from areas that I have aptitudes in that I did not choose to pursue at a professional level.

You have not wasted your time being a generalist, or made yourself less competitive in today’s world. Musashi’s The Book of 5 Rings says: “Whether in single combat or large-scale military operations, there should not be a narrow focus. … Narrow-minded people lose focus quickly because they cannot comprehend anything outside of their limited experience. They are easily distracted and easily killed.”

29

Another Jack checking in. Grathania, I was worried like you about finding a focus for my skills and talents, always acutely aware of the brilliant individuals around me (but strangely unobservant of the throngs of warm, friendly mortals). I did what in retrospect was the right thing, though I was uncertain about it at the time. I took a job overseas doing work that was somewhat tangential to my field of study. After that, another opportunity arose which seemed like an adventure and I further postponed pursuit of my original plan.
I shared my anxieties with an older colleague and he said something which profoundly changed my outlook. He told me that someday, maybe when I was 40 or 50 or 60, I would be able to draw together from the diversity of my experiences and interests a completely unique and individual undertaking. I’m 51 now, and not only was he right, I’ve come to realize that he couldn’t have been wrong.
Relax a little bit and pay attention to what makes you happy. I’ll bet one of the things that you feel rewarded by is your own hard work. Most of all, remind yourself that you will get to choose a new path many many times in the future.

30

This might seem like I’m making a smartass comment, but I’m completely serious.

You’re obvious a deep-thinking person who wants to make a positive impact on the world and leave people missing you when you go. You want to know that what you’re doing matters. For that reason, please reconsider your desire to go into media/PR/advertising.

I’ve talked to a lot of people who were miserable in their chosen career fields and wished they could start over at middle age, and those people all wished they had gone into something like medical research instead of weapons research, public service instead of computer science, etc.

Just saying.

31

In my experience the “helpless genius stereotype” is actually a myth propagated by those intimidated by success, and other studies have confirmed this to be true. Most brilliant specialists I have known lead quite full and well-rounded lives.

At any rate, I myself was not deriding people who possess a variety of skills or exposure to a number of fields. There is value on being able to passably perform a wide variety of tasks when the occasion arises, or to have had a taste of many different disciplines in order to bring those skills to bear on a particular problem. Shalmanese mentioned being able to use Computer Science, Psychology, Sociology, Game Theory, Urban Planning, Design & Communications, to solve a problem. This is not generalization, in fact it is a very cool form of specialization, attacking one particular problem domain by applying a multi-disciplinary approach. What makes it even cooler is that fnot many people are doing this. This stands in contrast to the OP, who feels he/she should be good at drama, music, sport, and academics, and also launch a PR career. Where’s the interrelation? Such a person would probably have a rich hobby life, but have no unified purpose other than looking fabulous in a college application.

My comment was specifically addressing the complaint, “I’ve tried so many things, why haven’t I mastered any of them?” The obvious answer being “because you haven’t made any one of them your priority.” Sure, try everything, but if you want to master something, you have to put all of your time into it .

However I do want to refine my advice in light of these responses. Focus on one particular purpose, cause, or goal, and put 85% or more of your time into it. That doesn’t mean major in one discipline, or focus completely on one profession (unless you find one that suits you). We become superlative in the things we invest our time in. If that’s your goal, then that’s what you need to do. Otherwise, get used to the feeling of not being the best in any particular area.

32

The thing is… with sport, I enjoy and am good at so many different types which hasn’t helped me focus at all. It’s mainly hand-eye co-ordination, which means I have a good foundation on all team games and bat and ball sports. It’s not like I’m trying for gymnastics of which I have no hope for lol.

33

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE BRILLIANT. Brilliant means jack. Nobody on this Earth, even your family, cares if you are brilliant. Brilliant is not the goal. Happy is.

This took me 25 years to realize. I was a bright but somewhat undiscplined kid from a poor family that always held me as the “brilliant” one. I was generally good at everything I did but not particularly gifted at any one thing and not motivated to work at it. I enjoyed occassional success in high school, but a suprising amount of mediocrity.

In college I majored in film. I wanted to do the biggest, most expensive, most challenging thing I could think of, and that was to make movies. I thought I was one of the “burning passion” types. Well, it turned out that I had a gift for film theory, which I thought was BS, and only average talent for my preferred work of making films. I could have gotten by, but I honestly wasn’t great at it and knew I didn’t have the ambition to be great. It was quite a blow to realize that I didn’t care that much about my life-long dream.

I spent my whole life living a mass of other people’s expectations. When I wasn’t defining myself by my ability to live up to what I thought others wanted from me, I spent it rebelling against them. My entire identity was built around the idea of “promise” and the contant drama of if I was living up to it or not. My own good qualities became terrifying to me as I came to think that being good at something meant I had sudden huge obligations. “Wasted potential” became my all consuming thought. I reacted by freezing up- refusing to do anything because doing noting is not something you can possibly be great at.

Eventually it made me crazy. And I think the one thing that made me better was a dear friend of mine saying “Hey, Sven, you know your mom doesn’t care if you do great things. She just wants you to be happy.”

It’s that simple.

In the end, I figured out that Jack-of-all-Trades is a legit and fun thing to be. I can always keep people interested in my stories of the myriad of different jobs I’ve worked, weird people I’ve known, bizarre places I’ve been and random-ass knowledge I pocess. I’m not great at anything, but I’ve been to TImbuktu, do some quality woodworking, speak Fulfulde, spent a day as a hotel spy, and have friends like “a physicist who lost his faith in physics.” It’s not an easy or predictable route, but it works out in the end.

I’m currently in the Peace Corps, having all kinds of adventures (and, I actually did found a library while I was at it!) and I can’t wait to see what kind of bizarre place my life goes next.

34

But doesn’t being brilliant make you happy?

35

I do understand what you’re trying to say Sven about expectations though and of course happiness is the most important thing but for me, being good at stuff makes me happy? I don’t know anymore…

36

I read the first part and the last part (I’ll read the rest later and respond).

I feel the same way. I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to go into business. What business, you ask? I haven’t a clue what with the economy.

I think life is like this: you want to study x to find y. I didn’t have any teenage mid-life crisis because I lived through the 90s. I did have a quarter-life crisis so we are in the same boat. Just think about people that survived the 70s and the 80s and you be fine.

37

Are you kidding? Seriously?

Look at the special-needs classes. Those kids are as happy as they could be with popsicles and something to do.

Then, look at your average smart guy or “genius”. How happy is he? Usually nowhere near as happy as the special needs kids.

I realize that it’s taking it to absurd extremes, but being brilliant at something isn’t going to make you happy, unless that something itself makes you happy. You’ll just end up more miserable, I think, because you’ll lock yourself into something you’re good at but don’t particularly even enjoy.

Here’s the thing that I don’t think anyone’s really articulated yet. The meat of these kinds of questions and issues about your personal future are all highly dependent on how you keep score. If money/fame/power is what you’re after, then being “brilliant” at something may be the way to get that.

HOWEVER… money/fame/power != happiness. Frequently they’re 180 degrees apart. Look at GaryT’s example- he’s not raking in the cash like if he was a doctor, but he’s happy, and wouldn’t trade places for anything, I’ll bet.

Some people may piss on his parade and say that he wasted his talent, or something equally idiotic, but that’s just jealousy talking. THEY wanted to be doctors or whatever, and wish they’d had the chance.

To use another (more prurient) example: Say that you like chubby girls. Everyone else likes skinny girls. Do you chase the skinny girls to impress everyone else, or do you go for the ones YOU like? Which one will make YOU happy?

(You could substitute “men” for chubby girls and “women” for skinny girls if it makes more sense)

38

You are confident of your abilities. Now you’re at a prestigious university and you’re struggling. I’m going to assume you are not over-confident. Maybe you don’t even know your true potential. I wanted to go into adverting and, after five years, I know I want to go into adverting.

What year are you? You say you are slipping into failure. That’s good. It means you’re at a turning point.

You were ready for college. Now you’re ready for work.

I want to say something to you that I would like to say to myself. I’ve been through four years of endless, endless paper writing. I feel that I’ve been writing one looong paper that could be applied to business. COLLEGE WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THIS ACHIEVEMENT. Only the business world will recognize my achievement.

39

It only gets worse.

40

Is that really true, though? In your OP you say you’re good at a lot of stuff, but then you go on to say that you’re not happy.

It’s a good feeling to do something well. You get praise and maybe even awards, which is especially nice if you’re very competitive by nature. But if you’re only doing it for the outward approval, that’s problematic. Unless you are absolutely the best, you’ll always run into people who are better than you. You’ll also starve your own sense of self-satisfaction.

There is such a huge obsession nowadays with achieving the perfect university and professional track that students are overwhelmingly rewarded with developing in ways that look good on a CV. They overwhelmingly internalize the external trappings of achievement without looking at what it is they really want. They are afraid to take a few years off for exploration, for fear of getting behind in one’s peer group. It’s really a shame. Finding the most ideal path for your own life is probably the most important thing you can ever accomplish, but nobody will ever give you any recognition for that. It’s purely internal.