Midlife crisis: stories, opinions, dope-slaps...

In My Humble Opinion
1

So what’s your opinion or experience with the so called midlife crisis? Is it a real phenomenon, or something floated by Hollywood that’s merely an excuse for selfish behavior?

I ask because I think I’m in the midst of one. I think. Or maybe I’m just a spoiled little cow who needs to suck it up and deal.

Briefly, I’m female, about to turn 50, no kids, married for 20 years (to the same man) and we were together for 11 years before we got married. He earns 99% of the money, I do 99% of everything else. We live a good life, have enough money to have a house w/ property and do things like eat out when we want, keep a few horses, go on a modest vacation.

I am pretty spoiled. I know my husband adores me, he encourages my horse habit, and understands my need for alone time, and the need for animals in my life. He doesn’t expect dinner on the table, and doesn’t bitch about a cluttered house. He also doesn’t contribute at all to any of the cooking or upkeep of the house and grounds, and very little to the animal care (and he’s as crazy about the critters as I am, he took in the 10th cat and apologized to me about it!). His main house-job is to keep the computers running well.

So why, since I live such a spoile existence, do I fantasize about living alone in a bright little cottage? I see bright colors, wood floors, gardens and woods, a feeling of light and space and air and solitude. When he has to travel, I rejoice in my alone time, though I do love them man and worry that he works too hard and too much.

I’m not going to do anything stupid like have an affair or run off to a cabin in the woods, but I don’t feel settled, I hate the house we live in, and I just have this itch to have something change.

Midlife crisis?

Oh, and TL,DR is a perfectly valid response, and won’t hurt my feelings. Sometimes just writing shit like this out helps…

2

I don’t even want to reach mid-life.

3

Oooo! Can I be the first to dope-slap you?

Your husband completely supports you financially, and he bought you several horses? I know it sounds a bit mercenary, but that sounds like a pretty sweet gig. I mean, they end fairy-tales and romance novels that way. You don’t seem to have any real complaints about your husband, other than that he doesn’t help much with the housework. You seem like you could afford to have a cleaning lady come in once a week or something if that’s really a big deal. Or you could just ask him to help out more and see if he’s receptive.

It seems like you don’t like your house, not that you don’t like your life. Maybe you could discuss moving to a different house with your husband.

I get the feeling that you are craving a bit more alone time. I can relate to that. I value my alone time too. On the other hand, how would you feel if you never got to enjoy your husband’s company again?

I think you are feeling a bit restless. I don’t think you have to be middle-aged to feel that way. Try something new or different. Get a job, do some charity work, find a new hobby, or recommit to an old hobby. Maybe rent a cottage in the woods and go on vacation there.

4

I don’t look at it as “her husband supports her”. They both support a household in different ways.

That said, I also think a job sounds like a good idea. Use the money to pay for someone to clean your house. If you hate it, or if it doesn’t fix the problem, quit and try something else. But it’s the obvious first thing to try.

5

I know I have a pretty sweet deal, which is why I’m frustrated?, irritated? with myself for wanting something else.

I forgot to mention that I do work (besides taking care of 13 acres, a house, 19 animals, and a husband) but that’s a two edged sword too. I work “for” my husband, in a small business that’s in his field. Technically the company is ours, and I know just enough about the field to be dangerous. The job I do for him I detest, and I kinda got dropped in at the deep end. I don’t really have the training for it and I feel a bit in over my head. BUT… I work from home, can set my own hours, and how many jobs can you just up and leave to go to a horse show for a week? Yeah, quityerbitchin’ time.

Oh, and he horses were either bought by me at an earlier time in my life, or I was given them (I used to teach riding and train, got burned out). I have 7, all but 2 are retirees and are 25-35 yrs old. Of the other two, one is mine that I bred, raised and now show, the other is ostensibly HIS horse that he doesn’t ride, but likes to have around and doesn’t want me to sell.

6

I just turned 50. Married for 14 years. All is very well. Wife and I both support the houshold, live in the mountains on property. Pretty cool really. But I felt a bit in a rut. Same stuff every day.

I did a few things. First, I bought a banjo. Love it to death and am playing every day. My cousin also plays and she and I can hang out and pick. Great fun.

Second, I reconnected with an old friend. My Wife has a monthly girls night out, and I hang with my friend maybe once a month.

saje. Ever consider music? It sounds like you have a very full life, but it’s nice to be able to pick up an instrament and get away for an hour or two. Or ten minutes. There is an insane amount of support for learning on the net. I had never played in my life and just picked up a banjo and a few books and after 3 months am doing pretty good.

I think what I needed is something that is mine. Just mine. Hanging with an old friend once in a while, or playing. saje, you share so much with your husband, perhaps you need something that is yours, and only yours.

7

I think you should get a cleaning person. Walking into a clutter free home cheers me up. Maybe redecorate a room in a different style.

8

Sounds to me saje that you’re a bit bored. And in your last post, it seems that you’re somehow miffed with your husband. You say that you “detest” your job - maybe you don’t really; maybe you’re just anxious about your level of competency.

If you know your “in over your head” with it, do the training. It’ll be a decent start to breaking the boredom, and your general feeling of ennui. If your husband is unaware that you consider yourself less skilled than you should be, that’s a pretty stressful situation to put yourself in. If he is aware, then maybe you’re peeved at the lack of support he may be be offering in terms of a solution.

Whatever the scenario regarding your work routine, whatever’s stuck in your craw might be useful to address.

9

Just ride it out. That’s what I’ve found works for me.

Last summer, I was so hating life. Hated my new house (still do, mostly). Was entertaining the idea of divorce. Picturing my quiet little place with yellow curtains.

But I just remind myself that I’ve felt this way before. Being with someone for a long time is hard. There are lots of ups and downs. It gets boring. It may never be as exciting as a new love, but I can’t truthfully imagine myself getting naked with someone new at my age anyway. No matter how attractive the idea may seem in fantasy.

I do allow myself to fantasize, though to be honest, they die off rather quickly. No matter how hard I try, I can not really convince myself that I have any kind of a shot at Eddie Vedder. (swoon)

So just hang on. It’s a roller coaster. That’s been my experience anyway.

10

Seconding not what you’d expect; contentment comes and goes. Ride it out.

How about if you got a different job, one you really liked? One you also could do from home? And hire someone else to do your current job?

11

What won’t work is just telling yourself “You’ve got it great! Just be happy!” I think you are smart to acknowledge these feelings and explore them.

The main point of dissatisfaction I read in your post is with your house. You mention it is a cluttered house. Your fantasy is of a place with light and space and air and solitude. In the same sentence as mentioning an affair you mention a cabin in the woods, as if that were something just as forbidden and secretly satisfying.

How cluttered is this house? Partly I zero in on this because it is MY issue. My youngest (of three) just went off to kindergarten and I’m not even considering getting a job for a year because I need to declutter the house, garages and yard.

“Get your house in order” is a metaphor for getting your life in order. It can be a big job, but enormously freeing. It is potentially overwhelming and it sounds like you already have a lot of responsibility with all those animals and a job that is a bit over your head.

I don’t know, what do you think? Does any of this about needing to get the house in order ring a bell? Consider checking out FlyLady, the internet queen of taking babysteps to get out of the chaos of clutter.

12

What I see in your post are some relationship issues, not a midlife crisis.

Sure, you have lots of reasons to be happy – and that’s great. You also seem to really desire independence and privately resent your husband for a few things, and it’s probably time to deal with that resentment. I honestly can’t visualize myself being happy with a husband who didn’t contribute at home and for whom I had to work, just because I’m a very independent person who wouldn’t want to be in a role I perceived to be as subordinate. You also go out of your way to excuse him, that he adores you, but he also seems very distant in what you’ve written.

Honestly, I don’t think the answer is here on the Dope. I think it’d be good for you to see a therapist. Not saying there’s anything wrong with you, but I think a professional could help you to deal with your problems rather than just trying to escape them through fantasy and avoidance. It’s okay to not be happy just because you have what you need and many things that you want, but ultimately it’s up to you to change those things.

Also, as a chronic clutterer who dislikes clutter and who feels so much better with a clean house, I can say I find that it’s a behavior that’s a symptom of other problems, not a cause.

13

My midlife crisis has involved selling my house, getting rid of almost everything I own, moving across the country, going back to school, and getting remarried (in a couple of months).

I don’t know if it’s in most people’s natures to be perfectly and permanently contented. I think many people need challenges to overcome and goals to reach, and a lot of people cannot ever feel like they have sanctuary in a cluttery house.

I’d suggest trying something like making one room of your house “yours.” Tidy it and keep it tidy. Put things in there only if they bring you peace and contentment. Create a sanctuary. Then see if that changes your feelings about the rest of the house.

A different job, volunteer work, a housekeeper who comes in daily, help from your husband, personal and/or marriage counseling, an exercise program, or going back to school might be options, too.

14

You know, there’s something interesting about your post. It’s like you wrote, “My shoulder seems to hurt, I just can’t figure out the reason.”

then later you post “Oh, I forgot to mention, my husband punches me in the shoulder every day.”

How can you not see that this:

is maybe, just maybe connected to your feeling of being trapped and dissatisfied?

15

saje - Fork out the money and get your house cleaned for you. Even if it is only once a month or once a quarter. Totally worth it. I live in the 'burbs of a major metro area so I’ve been able to get some good deals via Groupon. I am pretty sure that Groupon doesn’t have a big presence in your neck of the world :wink: so you will actually have to pay the going rate, but it will still be worth it. Since you work from home most of the time, schedule the cleaning for a day where you have errands to run or while you are gone to Jim’s or at a horse show. The best feeling in the world is coming home to a clean house you didn’t clean yourself.
I have been doing the once a quarter thing with Groupon deals. Right now, it is a bit more frequent thanks to a temporary roommate (~6-8 weeks) and instead of rent she is paying to have the place cleaned once a week. It is small, with a shared bathroom, 2 cats, 1 dog and 2 adults who don’t like cleaning. I decided that the cleaning service was well worth the cash trade-off and has the added bonus of avoiding the awkward rent conversation with a co-worker :wink: I may not be able to go back to the once a quarter method after this, but I can live with my own filth a bit so may go to once a month once she leaves.

16

I channeled that restlessness into positive things.

I lost almost half my body weight, I stopped smoking, I started running, I started law school.

Now I’m just as busy, but differently busy. I inspired my husband to do some of those things, and some different things on his own. We’re out of our rut that we were in, and it’s awesome.

So maybe channel those feelings into something positive for you? Mine was contagious, it was all about me. My husband sort of caught the bug off my positiveness and changes.

Good luck.

17

Remodel the house. Seriously. Start with the kitchen. Make it brightly colored with wood floors, and do some landscaping outside the windows to add a garden and trees. Then do the other rooms one at a time.

This will give you an opportunity to manage a project from start to finish, a feeling of accomplishment, a sense of “ownership” of your home, and keep you busy for years to come.

And given the stress of home remodeling, it may end up with you having an affair and ending up in a cabin in the woods.:smiley:

18

I think my biggest issue is this house that I detest. It’s the world’s stupidest house, truly, and there’s nowhere that’s homey and comforting and where I can just let the tensions ooze away. It was what we needed when we bought it 10 years ago, but there’s just so much wrong, both in layout and actual structure, that by the time we got it all sorted out we’d have spent nearly half what a new house would cost to build. So we are planning on a new house, but we’ve got to wait for Husband’s main income source to get its administrative head out of its ass and get us a reasonable contract. The promise is there, but I want signatures, dammit!

Thank you all for your suggestions and thoughts, it does help. We’re going to do a major de littering yard sale and dumpster session this fall when it cools off, and then I think I will get a cleaning service once every few weeks. And there is the possibility that we may hire someone else to do my job in our little company, which would be heaven. I’m not crazy about the role of Homemaker either, but I could deal with it better if I didn’t feel like I was swimming upstream.

My fun and challenge and outlet for stress is my riding, and the 4-5 days a week I do a bootcamp class. The ridiculous g keeps me sane, and the class keeps me fit enough that I can continue to improve my riding, AND I can eat more or less what I want, within reason.

Husband is a good guy, even though some ingrained habits make me IN.SANE. I can pretty much do as I please when I please so long as the billing and coding get done in a reasonably timely fashion. And I’m sure I’m not the easiest of people to live with, heaven knows I have irritating habits of my own. I am on a down cycle, once I can make some headway on the new house I’ll fell better.

ThNks for letting me whine :slight_smile:

19

Dammit, iPad! That was de-CLUTTERing, not de littering, RIDING keeps me sane, and Thanks at the end. Yeesh…