You gotta cry but you can't

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The world is okay, it’s marginal, not like it was 6 years ago where you were on top of the world. You were making shit loads of money, you lived in a small city that brought out the best in you. You woke up most everyday and it was happiness.

Not that your life is shitty just not what you want. You never wanted this loneliness, but somehow it’s okay. You still yearn for the times when you could make the sadest person in the world smile…with a gift of love and caring. You could look at yourself in the mirror or now, in a picture of then and think, wow, I was truly happy.

So you sit and wonder, why can’t I be happy with what I have now? Why isn’t this enough? Why does the past seem better than now?

Could it be that you were stupid and unknowing? Could it be that you were truly happier then? It baffles me.

I am happier than I have been in probably four years but somehow I still feel I am missing something major in my life. I have undergone a lot of changes in the time since. It’s not the fact that I am 32 going on 33, it’s something that I had back then I don’t have now and I can’t pin it down.

It’s not the money, it’s not the cute body I had, it’s something more organic than that. I remember this feeling well, I can recreate it in my world of the past but can’t with my current self… It’s very strange. I was free as a fly or a bird or a world that doesn’t exist but it’s there.

Maybe I have the moving bug again. The one that takes me far away from Colorado Springs, the place of my birth and sometimes the death of my character. I was more free when I lived in Grand Junction. I didn’t have a lot of the pressures of living close to family.

I knew I should have purchased that house, I knew it, but I didn’t. I did everything I could (not intentionally) to fuck up my credit.

Anyhow, I crave that confidence, that strength, the balls I had back then and I want it back rather than being a meek mouse that only listens those closest to me to stifle me. I want that 25 year old spirit back. I want me back. I am tired of living like this…I would say more other than I have become a world class (yeah) slob.

Not sure how to find that old Liz again, she’s there somewhere, but where? Damn, she got buried under all the garbage of depression and she’s doing okay, really she is, but fuck, she wants to be that driving and crafty person again…

So that’s Ms. techchick’s life at the moment, torn betweeen happiness and sadness. Rips you apart with each thought because she knows she could always have it much worse, but knowing that it was so much better (for a brief time) before.

< sigh >

2

It comes in waves for most people… it will come back to you and probably crash into you like a tsunami. And you’ll go on and be prosperous in what you do. Hell you make a living working for yourself, at home… how many people wouldn’t absolutly love that… how many don’t crave that? Maybe you miss day to day interactions with people that work provides? I dont know… just throwing out thoughts as they come. There is certainly not anything about you physicly or your personality would stop streams of men from lusting after you. You might not see that, but I know guys.

Maybe you dont care about that… maybe you just feel more apathetic then you used to. Thats normal. Apathy towards the world, I can relate to that.

You feel like you have done what you do and lived what you live for a long time and you need a change. Change is good many times. You wouldnt mind forgoing a little security for some life change and adventure though now would you?

This fortune cookie is now cracked. Then again, so is its poster.

3

{{{Liz}}}

You wanna know the difference? It’s simple. We plod on through these things we call lives, and we let the little stuff add on and occupy us completely. Here’s an analogy. At 25, we’re like a well tuned performance car. We’ve got power, speed and looks. Then things get added on. A spoiler. A CD changer. power windows, locks and seats. A sunroof. Larger wheels. Pinstripes. And all of a sudden, the cars is overloaded. It’s power is drained taking care of all the accessories, speed is down because of it, and it looks a hodgepodge mess. You have two choices. You can either strip that stuff away and get back to the sportster you once were, or you can…adapt it all and become a luxury car. Both are fantastic cars. They are not the same, however. You’re in the 'twixt and 'tween deciding which one you want. Good luck, and you have my number if you need it.

4

Well, if it helps, what do you do when you’ve gotten to where you want to in life, but then lose sight of long term goals. For damn near 15 years (yes, I was a little kid with a dream) I worked to get this far, but now that I’m here I have no clue what I wanna do with myself. Do you know how scary the uncertain is?!? Yeah I could go places with the job, but then again I could get RIFfed in a heartbeat.

And then again there’s the part of me that still says “what if!”. Like, “what if?” I stayed with the Marines. “What if?” I had moved colleges junior year to be closer to my girlfriend than I was in AZ? “What if?” I didn’t hack it through like I did? So many positives, and so many non-posses to think about. I didn’t want to be stuck in the same town that 90% of my high school class is still in, but again, “what if?”.

I may not be in the same boat, but I just might be paddling next to ya. . .
Tripler

5

{{{{Techchick}}}}

I know what you mean. 12 months ago I had the world at my feet - the only thing lacking was a girl to share it with. The past eight months for me have been strange to say the least. An extraordinary run of bad luck that really drains you.

I know I’m very talented, I know I’m reasonably intelligent and I know I’m a good person by my standards. What the hell am I doing in the middle of a mess? Particularly the financial one I’m in. I shouldn’t have let this happen.

And the self-questioning only makes it worse.

Things change however. Sometimes all at once, sometimes bit by bit. I’ve had something wonderful happen and it’s a start. Up till now I’d let myself reach a point where I was holding my ground but now I’m going forward again.

Hold in there TC.

6

Liz, this is the first step towards recovery. You’ve finally gotten to the point where you’re truly sick of it, so now you’re ready to take some action. This is a very good thing!

Just remember something that’s very important…

Take baby steps.

If you try to change your entire life all at once, you’ll only find yourself mired in so much stuff that you’ll become overwhelmed and give up again. Start with something easy. Pick the smallest room in your place and clean that room thoroughly. When you’re done, you’ll feel such an incredible sense of accomplishment that it’ll spur you on to wanting to tackle the next project. It might be to update your resume, or clean a bigger room, or write a letter you’ve been meaning to write.

The more you accomplish, the more momentum you’ll get and sooner than you realize you’ll be walking with a lighter step and seeing the world as full of promise instead of dread.

And you know I know what I’m talking about - I’ve been where you are. It can get better.

And see your doctor. Maybe a change in meds is in order. Or a change in diet. Sometimes things we don’t think about can affect our moods. Even light exercise helps. Take brisk walks every other day. The natural endorphins in your brain will take over and you won’t be able to help but feel motivated. Take a bubble bath once a week to relax and treat yourself special. Find a massage school in your area and go get a massage from one of the students (they’re way cheaper that way!). Compliment one person on something every day - the smiles you’ll get in return will be contagious.

I really hope you find that happiness again. You’ve got a great smile and it would be nice to see it more often. :slight_smile:

7

A-a-a-a-amen, sister.

Right now, I’m at the point where I’m in (junior) college. I have to find a real school to transfer to. I need to find a real job. I need to end some of the turmoil in my relationships with people.

There’s one friend that decided that it was best that we stopped talking (note: she was probably right). Which bugs me, because now I’m obsessed with figuring out how thins wound up so bad. But that’s just one of many things… my best friend, for example, needs to be talked to, although she’s not easy to talk to. And my other best friend (her boyfriend) needs help figuring out that stuff.

And I’m left as confused and as manic-depressive as ever.

Oh well… at least I still have my artwork (and a whole slew of new commissions) to keep my mind off things.

(And, Tech’ems m’dear, Liz… if I did that cyberhug thing, I would, but I don’t… but I would if I did. But I don’t… but I would… nevermind.)

8

Yep, little steps to get to the freedom of getting rid of the physical clutter. My mind clutter is far less…but somewhere that old Liz is there wanting to come back to the surface. If some of you knew me say in 1995 you’d see an almost completely different person inside and out.

I think part of it is the Springtime…that sense of renewal, my senses are waking up.

I’m not depressed these days just the occasional bouts with blue feelings, I’m actually content in a familiar way but I do need some changes. Maybe after the last year filled with weird stuff I am ready for a change.

In the last 6 months I have been wanting to make those changes like the house, the exercise, the diet, etc…mostly physical stuff. Maybe the mental side just needed to take a break from the physical, now the mental side of me is calm so I can begin to tackle the physical stuff around me.

It’s not that I wanted to cry but I kinda felt like for some reason I needed to. A cleasing of the soul, if you will.

Anyhow, thanks for words all. It’s nice to see that I am not the only one that feels like this. It’s not being unhappy there’s a sense of content but things could be better.

9

I’ve been there myself, techie.

My therapist told me that crying is a way that the mind flushes out emotional toxins, (much the way going to the bathroom gets rid of physical toxins :smiley: ) Many times I’ve felt like my heart has been cleansed after a good cry.

And when I can’t quite cry, but I feel like I need to, I do one of these things: put on a good blues tune or smarmy pop song and dance out all the bad feelings(Yer Blues by the Beatles is a favorite) or watch a tear-jerker movie, or read a favorite scene in book that I know will start me crying.

It sounds like you’re ready to start down a new road to a better place. I wish you the best of all possible futures.

10

Fellow Coloradan:

I think you called it with the seasonal assessment. For some reason, it is especially true in Colorado Springs. I think the weather plays a big part. On Monday it might be spring, on Tuesday, winter and then it bounces to summer the following day. Shifts like that can put your mental and physical balance in some pretty weird states. It would make Elvis bi-polar and he’s dead.

It also doesn’t help that in Springs, springtime tends to be the time when everybody (many military) seems to be going someplace else, and it seems to set in motion some craving of movement–some sort of lemming effect to put things in boxes picked up from behind liquor stores and label them, maybe.

But if you do decide to hit the road (and you as a native Coloradan know that going some place else is the official state sport), give me a yell and I’ll pop up there and help you pack the U-haul (but you have to supply the beer).

TV

11

Thanks for the offer TV Time…I don’t have the financial resources to pick up and move at this time…but I do miss the Western Slope a lot.

12

In the Buddha’s native language, Pali, dukkha means suffering, but it also connotes emptiness an dissatisfaction.
The cause of dukkha is desire.
In other words: you want something (or you don’t want something), you don’t
get it (or you do get it when you don’t want it), you feel dissatisfied,
empty, unhappy. You are suffering.
Cessation of desire brings release from dukkha.
Pretty simple. You don’t want anything, and you aren’t disappointed and dissatisfied when you don’t get it.

13

Three additional thoughts (although CBE’s words are worth meditating on . . . )

  1. Nostalgia inherently is far more cheerful than the reality it was at the time. Don’t let it fool you. You probably were feeling good all those years ago, but time and tide will wash away the bad times and polish up the good times. It’s a worthwhile trait to have – we gotta get over the tragedies that are part of our lives whether we like it or not – but don’t let it convince you that everything was hunky-dory back then.

  2. You can’t reclaim your past. The 25-year-old is gone for good, so don’t try looking for it. Life changes, and you are changing with it. The trick is finding what you need now. The Hindu religion talks of the stages that we pass through (this is from readings many years ago, so please forgive and correct my errors). In general, it assumes we’ll want to experience the many pleasures and vices of our lives when you’re young, only to find them empty and meaningless eventually. You may move on to marrying, raising a family, living a confortable life, only to reach a point where that won’t satisfy either. From there, it may progress to a search for enlightenment, of service to others, and so on.

  3. Finally, you’re not alone in your dissatisfaction and search for meaning. We all have it, even those who don’t appear to question where their life is going. Cold comfort, but it’s hard-wired in us to search for something more. It’s not just you.

pesch

14

Techie:

I grew up in Montrose, so I know what you are saying. I used to head up to Junction for big nights on the town.

And spring on the Western Slope…you’re right to remember it longingly.

If you keep getting me in this reflective mood, you’ll have to come down here and help me pack the U-haul (and I can’t afford the beer).

TV