I’m blissfully unaware of the majority of commercials out there, but I know you have all seen the horrible new ones out there and are going to share, right?
I have one nominee, which I actually discovered on the radio. It’s for Kohler toilets… Which are apparently good at flushing the doody. It starts with this Lilith Fair-ingenue type voice singing Steam’s “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye…” punctuated with the sound of a flush. Then it’s a chorus of guys doing the same.
I later found out there was a video version. To my nonsurprise, it was dire. I’m no prude, but I don’t need you driving home the point that the toilet takes care of your scat!
Been watching a lot of hockey lately, and they have a few Geico ads on the telecasts which really drive me up the wall. A couple of fake announcers will come on (with the caveman in tow) and start with some very generic banter about the “game”-the first few times I thought they were the real announcers (the intermission guys), which made me not immediately reach for the mute button like I normally do when a Geico ad comes on. Even tho I now can spot these fakes instantly they still bug the living holy fuck out of me in the cloying pseudo-oh-ain’t-we-clever manner typical of most any Geico ad. I really do hope that the people who make these ads will suffer the eternal punishment of being forced to watch every single Geico ad ever made for the rest of eternity (eyes forcibly propped open too Clockwork Orange style).
I can’t find it online, but there’s a Best Buy commercial in which a couple returns home to find they’ve been burglarized. The thieves took their widescreen TV and their stereo, but left behind their computer, apparently because it was outdated. So, instead of being thankful that the thief didn’t take the computer, too, they’re upset because it wasn’t worth stealing. So what do they do? They rush out to Best Buy for a newer computer to replace the old one that didn’t get stolen.
Me, I have an eight year old HP. I’d be happy that it’s not worth stealing. It works for me well enough that I’m not even ready to consider a replacement for it.
There’s a positively disgusting commercial for Wendy’s where a woman slurps some kind of barbeque sauce off of a man’s face. It’s beyond the pale as far as offensive food sounds go.
.
Then there’s the toilet paper commercial with a bunch of women discussing how they really need their tp to “keep them clean, while getting them clean,” but the overriding message I get from it is that they think women are so dirty that they need special tp to make sure they get all the nasty.
The ones where the cartoon bears are taking huge, basketball sized bear dumps, but instead of squatting on their haunches like regular bears and grunting out an ursine loaf filled with nuts, berries, and the buttons from that hiker’s shirt, they are sitting human style on some woodsy toilet seat, and because their cheeks are not spread wide enough in this position they have a horrible problem with their feces matting into the fur surrounding their anus. This problem can only be cured with high grade toilet paper.
This one annoys the everliving fuck out of me. AND THEN the dumbass guy (it’s always the male that’s the idiot, something else I hate about TV) says “they’d sure want to steal this one!” OH yes, let’s do shopping for burglars! Nevermind replacing our TV, stereo, jewelry and other valuables that was all stolen!
I have an Android phone that does pretty much everything in those commercials (no, I don’t have something that is officially called Face Time, but I have video chat…I don’t have the most pixels on a phone evar! but I have plenty enough, etc…)
I really hate those, even more than the old “I’m a Mac and I’m a PC” ones, because it’s Apple pandering to the “well, clearly if you don’t buy an Apple product, you’re just a piece of shit.”
Who cares if you can get a cheaper phone that can do all this can do, and MORE! You won’t have the status symbol. That’s the most important part! Not if you need all these functions/apps, or can get them elsewhere, but simply that you can show off to everyone that you, too, have an iPhone.
ANY Geico commercial. A recruiter contacted me about an opening within the Geico IT department, I said no because I would be ashamed to say I work for them (even though at the time I needed a job). Runner up: those Miller Lite bartenders who chide the guy for wearing tight jeans or sunglasses or bronzer etc etc. Those bartenders are bitches.
This is what I came in to say, and it’s already been mentioned and seconded, so obviously I’m not alone.
The couple seems oddly calm about the whole situation. “Gosh golly darn it, we got robbed. Oh well, guess we ought to go out and replace the one thing they didn’t take!” I hate this commercial beyond reason.
I was just talking to my wife the other day about how our TV is hardly ever turned on any more, because we watch everything on the computer, and I’m noticing how few commercials I see these days. I haven’t seen any of the ones mentioned so far, and that makes me happy.
However, I did see one this morning in the gym that was idiotic. It was for Windows. They “found” a lady who didn’t see any need to upgrade her computer because hers was good enough. So, in this totally unconvincing fake reality show style, they “built a PC store in her home”! Complete with quick shots of construction work and her “shocked” reaction. Then they showed her all these neat new computers, and she finally conceded: “Yes, there are computers out there that are better than mine.” The fake “salesman” even gave a little fist bump and relieved “yes” face.
No part of this commercial is not insultingly stupid. Who believes that there are no computers out there better than yours? Surely the question is whether or not your computer is good enough for what you need. What is the point of building a PC store in her home? How is that convincing at all? And does anyone really think we’re going to believe that actually happened? And finally you prove that her presumably-not-very-old computer is now obsolete. Is that supposed to want to make me buy one of your products? Just stupid, stupid, stupid.
The one where a guy makes a little speech on how his smartphone is also a computer, and the camera pulls back to reveal that he is explaining this to a bunch of TSA personnel at an airport, one of whom then accuses the guy of ‘changing your story’ and presumably calls in the anal probes.
If that’s gonna happen every time I get on a plane with the damn thing, no sale.
