Last couple of weeks I feel like I have been coming off a very long run of insomnia. Getting about 4 or 5 hours a night right now. I am very unhappy about what seems to be my cure. I can’t seem to enjoy hobbies like a normal person. What ever projects I am on seem to take me over and I stay awake thinking about them.
A couple of weeks ago I put everything on hold and sleep returned. It doesn’t seem to be the projects themselves that keep me awake. I tend to get locked into the next project I haven’t quite started on yet instead of focusing on the project I cam currently working on. If I am writing chapter 5 I get all bent out of shape trying to figure chapter 6 and 7. If I am working on a particular bow I get all wrapped up in the next bow I plan to start, or building project I am going to start.
I seem to be loosing my ability to stay in the present, my body is moving at 35 mph and my brain is moving at 45 mph getting further and further ahead of my physical world. I had kind of a revelation this morning. The past 27 years or so I have been mostly single and was able to manage my own time. The last few years more and more demands have been put on me where my personal time seems to be getting chipped away to the point where I can no longer keep up with what I want to be doing. Everyday my workday ends before I have met my goals for the day.
I am feeling angry and fed up, I understand people who simply disappear. Right now I see no resolution to this beyond me just becoming a drone who takes care of other people. On one hand I know life has its twists that we can't always control and I accept that. But on the other hand I kind of feel like I am allowing myself to get fucked because I know if the situation were reversed I would get hung out to dry. I am going to get this thing figured out somehow.