I’ve decided that want to quit my habit of helping people who haven’t asked for my help in any way and probably don’t need my help, either. I’m not enabling anyone, I’m just much, much too eager to help and improve stuff around me.
I have wondered why I do it, why I get a kick out of helping and improving. I don’t do it to be a “good” person. I know my helping others is largely selfish.
It seems to fill some need, and I get a kick when my help does seem to make things better, but… it costs me too much energy. Not the help itself, I steer clear of helpless black holes, I don’t think I’m codependent ( I might have been in the past, though) and I’m much too impatient and stern to “enable” anyone in the traditional sense. But unwanted helping often leads social awkwardness, and that cost me an insaneamount of energy.
The last thing I want to be is the kind of awful whiny woman who, in middle age, complains she has always been there for others and… Well, either the complaint is that she’s gonna put herself first from now on. Or that the world should be more grateful. That usually gets an eyeroll and a “Yeah right” from me. Because it is seldom a pleasant personality who says that kind of thing.
No, I want to stop overhelping because it is simply bad manners. And an inefficient way of helping. But I do still want to enjoy helping.
So… anyone want to join my group of Compulsive Helpers Anonymous? The entrance fee is a donation to Kiva (which is a good way of helping) and any participant who even tries to get somebody else a coffee, will get slapped with a wet trout.
I have no knowledge of the OP, but in my own life, virtually all of the people that would describe themselves as “over helpers” tend to underestimate how helpful other people are relative to themselves. The best solution, in many cases, would be to develop a heightened awareness of how others they encounter are also pretty helpful.
But I am totally open to the idea that my sample is skewed.
You say you’re not codependent, but I suggest giving Codependents Anonymous a try anyway. Learning not to help and “fix” people a really important life lesson. After all, you acknowledge how selfish it is. Now acknowledge that it doesn’t show respect for other people’s intelligence and ability to solve their own problems. (Even if they can’t. Let it go.)
As I said in the other thread you referenced, treatment is going to be your best bet for all these issues.
I’m definitely a recovering member of Compulsive Helpers Anonymous. See? I’m trying to help you. OH MY GOD IT’S A TRAP.
Manda Jo, as usual, has a good point. Helping others, making things comfortable, preventing problems, doing a good job at anything, being tactful so others don’t feel bad…those are inconspicuous, but very real forms of helping. Better then the kind of pushy butting in with ideas I often do.
I’ve often thought that most of us should limit our helping to the ones we’re the official designated helpers for (family, clients), and in our profession. That because most people are bloody amateurs when it comes to anything but their profession. At least there, we know what we’re doing and people officially depend on us.
My friends say I help them and others more then average. My husband, interestingly enough, said I help him less then he helps me. He hardly needs help with anything, true, but the little he asks (me showing interest in projects of his that don’t really interest me) I have a hard time giving. So that would mean I pollute friendship with helping, and yet I don’t take my *real *responsibility.
Furryman, are you sure? My help mostly consist of advice (granted, better advice then the usual free kind, I studied my ass of to be a good advice-giver), links to supposedly helpful information, and maybe I will buy you some gizmo or some professional service that will make your life better.
And, if I really like you, I’ll make you a home-cooked meal of help with moving or culling stuff.
No, I wouldn’t want to be helped by myself either.
I’m sort of an overhelper, although I’ve learned to keep most of it to myself. My therapist and I have decided that I am a problem solver so therefore am almost compelled to make suggestions, find answers, etc. I used to get wounded when people did not take my advice but I’ve gotten over that. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that even if people ask, they really aren’t interested in answers.
If you’re really interested in pursuing a change, I would recommend a week spent asking for and then GRACIOUSLY accepting any and all kinds of help.
Don’t explain, don’t negotiate, don’t rebuff or rebut, just be a “help receiver”, for one week.
Being overly helpful is, at least in part, about thinking you know better, in most cases, what someone ought to do. A week spent accepting help will go a long way to making see that you were not put here to instruct, but to learn.
But it’s hard to remember you’re supposed to be learning, when you’re busy playing Mama to people who have already be raised up!
I’d suggest getting a volunteer position somewhere, like with a charity or a soup kitchen or an animal shelter, or whatever. Spend some time providing help that is truly needed and wanted, and get it out of your system.
I went to helpers anon for years in London alas the group closed when Robert LeFever moved . Addiction comes in many forms.
Currently living in Thailand and I am interested in groups dealing with this so i hooe to hear from you. brownedavid722@gmail.com
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