Ah, my favourite mondegreen:
You are like a hurricane
There’s cum in your eye.
And I’m gettin’ blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I’m getting blown away.
I guess a cleveland steamer would be out of the question 
Standup Karmic, way to go. Sex is very important to any relationship and it’s best to nail this problem in the ass before some kind of commitment takes form. I have never heard of someone who made their partner wear a condom during a hand job, that’s ridiculous.
Lose her.
Use your non-dominant hand.
Your new “lover” will never err.
If you two are sharing the bed, this isn’t an unreasonable request. FWIW, when my fiance has visited down here, condoms for handjobs were the order of the day (I wasn’t about to deal with cleaning off the futon).
Perhaps you could compromise in that, if you’re willing to wash the sheets right afterwards, she’ll forgo the condom? If you expect HER to do the sheets, you’re out of line. If those are YOUR sheets and she isn’t gonna be sleeping in them, she’s out of line.
And for the love of GOD don’t admit to wearing the underwear you do it in. My ex did that. Imagine if your girlfriend told you “yeah, I don’t use pads/tampons/The Keeper/rags. I just let it flow like nature intended.” That’s how some of us feel. Knowing that it’s still in your shorts, we can’t sleep next to you. Weird hang up and all.
Also, is she on the Pill?
The reason I ask is that in unusual but not unheard of cases, haven’t women gotten pregnant when their partners ejaculated near or on the vaginal area? Or if you have semen on your hands and touch her genitals?
Far-fetched, but just so you know…
I forgot what that is(and I’m from cleveland)
I THINK it’s:
when you take a dump on someone’s naked chest!
:eek:
AKA a “hot lunch.”
I laughed. Hard.
Am I the only one who has, during this entire thread, thought “Sweet Jesus, I hope Alereon wears silk socks and believes everyone else does, too”?
Stick to your guns on this one. I mean, if you’re getting hand jobs, then you’re not really getting anything anyway. At worst, you’ll have to jerk yourself off, the horror.
Well, if you don’t point it at your face, you won’t get semen in your eye, now will ya? Just like a gun, it fires where you aim! 
Sometimes?
Am i the onlyone wondering why they cannot have oral or regular sex?
WIll he keep us in the dark FOREVER?!
Ditto here for the Animal House reference. No offense meant, but it sounds like she gets her sex tips from Martha Stewart. Does she keep her pinkie extended?
Unless you want to go on this way for the length of the relationship (which it doesn’t seem like you so), you must be able to talk about it openly and settle it.
To me it seem like she is the one with a problem, it may be fear of giving you a STD as stated above or some hangup about the human body and natural biological fluids. If you are considerign a long term relationship perhaps she or both of you can see a counsler about this.
Not Quite:
Hot Lunch:
The act of placing cellophane over your partner’s mouth, then deficating on the celophane. Your partner then takes your feces into his/her mouth and tongues it through the celophane. (Condom optional along with swallowing
:eek: )
Cleveland Steamer
When a guy sits on a girl’s chest and masturbates with his member in her crevice of breasts. The rubbing leaves a brown ass-trail skidmark.
Umm, how is that going to leave a skidmark, unless you haven’t wiped your ass? And if you’re in the habit of not wiping your ass, most people won’t want to have sex with you anyway.
This relationship doesn’t sound very satisfying from a sexual or emotional standpoint. I think you’d be better just moving on and finding someone who isn’t so weird about sex. I can’t imagine ever asking a man to do this. It’s just plain odd.
:eek: