Conflict Resolution

I have been thinking about starting this thread for a long time and haven’t because I’m sure it will raise some ire. But now I’ve decided it’s time.

I want to talk about the sort of petty on going conflicts which seem to litter everyones lives and often fill the pages here on the Dope.

You know the kind. The neighbour leaves their garbage cans out for days after garbage pick up. Office mates who don’t wash up their dishes. People who never refill the tray in the photocopier. Smallish, pettyish ongoing conflicts.

One of these is playing out in my neighbourhood and I am astounded that intelligent, thinking people are so caught up in it.

Where I live it involves the garbage cans being left out, plus garbage spilling out (as it has not been properly managed, admittedly) into the street. Now I don’t think my neighbourhood is any different than any other. It’s urbancore, some single family homes, some multiple unit rentals, a few students/young people etc.

My next door neighbour, and the woman across the street, are constantly in a twist about this ‘horrific’ situation. Now you should know, it’s not human/toxic waste, it’s trash that the animals got into and largely stuff spilled out of overloaded recycling bins.

My neighbour is constantly trying to enlist me onto her team, the ones who every week call city hall and make complaints, and more complaints. And demand that landlords get sent letters etc. They, perhaps rightly, think is doesn’t help that I live right across from the ‘horror’ yet never lodge any complaint.

As she is an intelligent woman I assumed she would soon discover that there is little satisfaction to be had pursuing that path. The phone system is a nightmare, city hall employees are notoriously cranky and the very most they are going to do, no matter how much you complain, is send a harshly worded letter. Who has the time for that week after week? And how are they not able to notice what it’s doing to them as people. They are both turning into a couple of righteous shrews. This fight, which they can never win, people being people after all, is exacting a terrible price on their souls, it is consuming them.

My own approach is much simpler and, I find, much more fulfilling. I pick up the garbage when I walk by, I even bring a pair of gloves and a bag when I head to the variety store for this very purpose. I walk my dog in the neighbourhood so it’s no biggy for me. On windy days I spend half my dog walking time righting peoples garbage cans that have blown into the street. Because I know they are at work, and I’m right there. Well, it turns out this only makes them angrier.

They just got off the phone to city hall, complaining about trash blowing in the street or cans on the curb, and a quick glance out the window reveals the trash is gone and cans are up on the porches. Now they look like fools to the people at city hall who they have demanded drive by to see for themselves. They don’t seem to understand that once it’s blowing in the street city hall really can’t say who’s garbage it is, and so, can really only do what they are doing. Which is listen to them bitch and offer comforting reassurance and then get on with their day.

I just don’t understand the mindset that people should spend so much time and energy and allow it to eat part of their soul away over something so trivial and stupid. If it bothers you that much, shut your mouth and pick up the garbage, wash up the dishes in the sink, put the shopping carts back in the round up, whatever. But for Christ’s sake SHUT UP.

Make your peace with it, and move on. It either bothers you enough to act or it doesn’t, no one wants to hear you complain about it endlessly. People are people, shit is going to happen like this.

You were not put on this earth to ‘teach’ people anything. They had mothers and they are already raised up, get over yourself already. No adult ever learned anything this way. There is a chance they might yet learn from your example but you should understand if you decide to pick up the garbage or wash up the dishes, no one owes you a thank you. You’re doing it for you, it’s extremely important you understand that part.

I guess it comes down to the most effective solution and the path of least resistance. They are selling their souls, winging and bitching, involving countless other people and yet the garbage is still in the street and they are destined to never be happy, because, at the end of the day, people are still people and this kind of crap is not going to disappear from the earth.

I, on the other hand, when I see the garbage (while it doesn’t really bother me, per se, I know it bothers them) I pick it up. Not to teach anyone a lesson, not so I can feel superior, not so I can receive accolades, because I can contribute to making something better. No, I don’t always have the time and no, I don’t always do it.

So, are there any like minded dopers out there?

Do you ever want to say to your office mates, “If it bothers you so much then wash the dishes, if not, then shut up about it!”

In the last couple years I definitely tend to think more like you.

It’s not worth the stress and anger to get upset about things that used to bother me.

If I can step in and do something that will solve the problem then so be it.

Sure makes my life a lot less stressful and happier.

I imagine that people that get riled up over every little thing don’t live very satisfied or happy lives.

I totally agree with this. I think it is a mindset - some people have a “let it go” mentality and some don’t. I’m not saying nothing ever annoys me, but have some perspective. You are right that getting obsessed or even letting things like this get in the way of your life or your own happiness is absurd. I know people who just seem to let everything get to them and it’s really kind of sad if you think about it. I mean what kind of life quality must they have.

People who have fulfilled, productive, happy lives don’t act this way.

It used to be a big deal to me to have a Cause, and to be able to tell people they were Wrong. Thank og I outgrew that. I learned that behavior from my mother, who unfortunately still hasn’t outgrown that.

That is my personal mentality, yes. I’d rather clean up the trash than waste my breath complaining, seeing as complaining rarely produces any kind of result. Not that people don’t have a right to complain - they do. But for me, life is too short, and I’d rather just spend ten extra minutes picking up the trash or washing the dishes than having to confront people who are obviously too stupid/thoughtless/selfish/etc to do it in the first place. Not a big deal.

My wife is sort of like your neighbors. She complains about our neighbors ALL THE TIME. To our right the neighbors have a big, admittedly ugly cheap statue of a tiger or lion or something. To our left, the neighbors have an old hippy mini bus collecting rust in the back yard. She tries to bait me into bitch-sessions about these things, and I can’t help but notice the weeds in our own front yard and the tree guck droppings in our gutter.

Nobody’s perfect, I guess.

Yes. And having become quite a laid-back person, I too often wonder why people so counter-productively get worked up over relatively minor things.

The thing to remember, though, is that not everyone can do that. You and I can just take a deep breath and let it go. A lot of people clearly can’t or don’t. And they do have a point about, for instance, dirty dishes in the sink. It’s a shitty thing to do. Telling someone who is pissed off to just not be has not, as far as I know, ever actually relieved them of the emotion. You can’t help what you feel, and complaining, however annoying to the people who have to listen to it, does serve a purpose - vocalizing feelings of anger and annoyance is surprisingly effective at lessening those feelings.

Part of being a laid-back person, I think, is not only to not get worked up over minor things, but also not to get worked up over other people getting worked up over minor things. Not that I’m accusing you of this. I just think it’s something people tend to overlook.

There are things I will make a fight about, but for the most part, I’m with the OP. There are too many things where the fight just isn’t worth the results.

I’m not from where this might be possible, but my understanding is that kudzu could fix both those problems for your wife. :wink:

I agree with you supergoose, largely.

But I think it’s a myth that “letting it out” helps in some way. That’s not what I see. I see people using the excuse of “letting it out”, when really they are just working up a lather. I guess the difference would be someone who goes off about it once in a long while and the people who harp about it endlessly.

I think, like everything in life, it’s a choice. Either you it bothers you enough to act or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, then accept that you don’t care enough to change it and let it go. If you do, then act because you feel to. Period. These are adults we’re talking about, after all.

I agree with most everything said here.

But I am not quite as enlightened as most of you apparently are. There is still a strong part of me that hates to be taken advantage of, so I would like some guidance (and I mean that quite sincerely, in case it came out unintentionally ironic or something).

So some immature twit whose mommy always picked up after him is always leaving a mess in the break room for other people to clean up. He doesn’t even think about it, things are just magically cleaned up. If you’re one of the ones doing this cleaning up, because you’d rather light a candle etc. etc., what do you do or think about this immature twit?

See my problem is - if I see a mess and it bothers me and I don’t know who caused it, I well might clean it up and forget about it. But if I know who caused it, and it’s always the same people, then I start to steam and then I get to the point where I want to beat them with an iron pipe, while screaming “Pick that up! Throw that away! Wash your own dishes!”

I don’t like that feeling, but I don’t know how to get away from it in that kind of situation.

Please, what is the path to enlightenment?
Roddy

I wonder how many people who are talking so “peace-y” in this thread really walk the walk or if they are just trying to sound all holy in this thread.

Just wondering.

Just my opinion, but remember you weren’t put on this earth to raise other peoples children. They will or will not get better. It’s unlikely your behaviour, either way will make the slightest dent.

Do it, or don’t do it (the dishes, the garbage, the grocery cart), and then leave it behind you. It’s your choice. Investing any of your righteous anger in trying to change them is only costing you. When their behaviour causes you to get upset they win and they own a little of your soul. Don’t let them. It’s only dishes, a little trash, a grocery cart, the world will not end if you are indifferent.

But mostly, I would encourage you to try the other way. Do the dishes, but only if you can do so without expectation of accolades, thanks, respect or so you can feel righteous or superior. It will take all of a few minutes and then it will be over. Done. I think if you try it once you’ll never go back.

And props to you for trying to become more evolved!

I don’t know if this is enlightment or not but usually I clean up the mess the make sure I bitch about it within earshot of whoever left it. If I don’t know who left it I just clean it up. Except at home when it’s the wife. Then I clean it up and don’t say anything.(The difference being, I make sure she doesn’t see me clean it up or she gets pissed about that)

Yeah, it can go both ways. I’m still kind of sorting out which is which, actually.

My father is the type to complain endlessly instead of acting on anything, and it annoyed me so much that I tried for a while to not complain about anything at all because clearly, it wasn’t helping him to gripe about things and was just a pain in the ass to be around. But there have been times where I was so worked up about something relatively minor, I just had to complain about it to someone and was very surprised to find that doing so made the annoying or angry feelings I had completely go away. On the other hand, I’ve also personally experienced the complaining that makes you more and more angry instead of less, and I don’t really know exactly what separates the two.

I guess I just tend to conclude that complaining works for them on some level whether it causes anger or relief because as an outsider, it doesn’t really make much difference which and shifting my perspective like that makes it easier for *me *to deal with their complaining.

I often feel the same way myself. I don’t know it this would work for you, but for me, it often helps to realize that they don’t do so maliciously, it’s just laziness or forgetfulness on their part. And generally it’s something that is only a small transgression in the grand scheme of things. I also try to mentally weigh the pros and cons of just dealing with it myself, and if my desire for a dish-less sink outweighs my disinclination to clean up after other people, cleaning the dishes becomes more of a choice on my part rather than work someone else has foisted on me. And if it doesn’t bother me enough to clean it up myself, I just leave it.

Well, although this is the Pit, I’d like to say “thanks.” It takes a decent human to pick up another’s trash unasked, and not enough people pick up their own trash, so…y’know, thanks.

I’ve always thought much the way you do – while I might occasionally bitch about something someone does or doesn’t do, I know full-well that if it really mattered to me I would just fix it and move on. In fact, I have tried to teach my kids this mindset – from day one, they have heard the mantra “you cannot control anyone else’ thoughts, actions or reactions. You can only control your own thoughts, actions and reactions. Control them wisely.”

I won’t call myself enlightened, or claim that I never get pissed off at anyone (I suspect a meteorite would hit Pittsburgh if I did- a lightning bolt probably wouldn’t be sufficient for a whopper like that). But some advice:

Pick. Your. Battles.

Step back, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, “Is this really a big deal”?

Some things are. People abusing their children or pets, or smearing shit on the door handles in a public restroom- that sort of thing is a big deal. Leaving dishes in the sink- not so much.

Another piece of advice:

Unless you are the janitor, it is not your job to clean up every mess. If you didn’t make the mess, and the mess is not getting in your way, you can ignore it.

I used to use the phrase “poor them” or “poor her” in a really sarcastic, nasty way. "Oh, Ruth must be too busy to clean up her lunch. Poor her! :rolleyes: "

Then, one day, I heard my goddaughter use it entirely sincerely. “Oh, mom has to work today and can’t vacuum with us. Poor her.”

:eek:

I was suddenly gobsmacked by her 8 year old wisdom. No, sincerely! Poor them! Poor them that have to work all day and can’t fetch their garbage cans in the moment the truck leaves! Poor them that are so stressed out by work that they forget to throw out their sandwich wrapper! Poor them that are so crunched for time that they can’t even take a few moments to put away the shopping cart!

Are they doing these things because they’re lazy and stupid and bad human beings? Well, maybe sometimes. But I can say that I’ve also, at one point or another, done the same things, and it’s NEVER been because I want to piss someone off or I want to be bad. It’s because I’m overworked, or overstimulated, or just plain flakey. I have this thing where I literally don’t see clutter or dirt where other people do. Poor me, right? But seriously, I HATE being the messy one, I HATE making other people upset, and I’m working on it, really, I am. But I still mess up a lot, and I’m still sorry every time.

So now I prefer to go through my day thinking a sincere “poor them”. I’m so lucky right now to not be working a 9-5 desk job. I’m so lucky to be able to go for a walk with my kid and bring along a bag and teach her about recycling and picking up trash and making this little spot here a bit nicer. I’m still not perfect, I still get mad sometimes. But I’m working on that, too.

OK, thanks to those who responded with their own paths to enlightenment. I appreciate these observations:

Pick your battles.

If it bothers you enough, clean it up; if not, don’t (I pretty much already do this).

Consider its importance in the grand scheme of things.

You can’t control (or, apparently even improve) other people’s behavior.
These are all good, but I want to disagree with the last one. Yes, the theoretical person I described in my earlier post is either lazy or inconsiderate or clueless, or a combination of those. And I agree that it’s not my job to change that person. But does that mean that that person gets a free pass to continue in that way for the rest of his life? Or until he gets married and clubbed upside the head a few times by someone who is entitled to say something by virtue of that sort of relationship? Maybe so. Maybe I shouldn’t care, but that’s the hard part for me.

So if I agree that life’s too short to spend time or energy worrying about the clueless and lazy, then I think I have to raise my threshold of distaste about the messes they leave behind, and sail on as blithely as they do - and make sure I clean up after myself!
Roddy

Really, why spend the energy worrying about stuff like this? It’s all transitory, we’re not put on this earth to worry about petty stuff. Relax, get into the present, and cultivate your inner Buddha. That’s the true path to enlightenment.

Are you fucking kidding me? Most definitely the latter!