Some states make it impossible to get a divorce and continue to cohabit with your spouse. You really should talk to a competent divorce attorney about exactly what hoops pertain in your state.
I have no desire to deceive; I realize full well that it only makes things worse, in addition to being Just Wrong. It’s a measure of our desperation that even makes me wonder if this is a possibility.
Spare us. Not going ballistic in this forum is a general rule, and you’re not special because we choose to observe it.
Okay, I understand. Still, how much of her salary would the OP have to transfer to thenhusband? If no additional expenses are involved (i.e. assuming they don’t have to set up seperate residences, as Squink suggests they might), would it matter?
I second the ask-a-lawyer idea.
The whole thing is wrong–that you should be reduced to having to consider this as an option…this is shameful. Oh-not you and yours, but that there is no safety net provided-that is shameful.
My best to you.
Okay-I wasn’t asking to be nasty-I just wondered.
Our society is really messed up. I wish you the best and I’ll keep you and your’s in my thoughts.
I really feel for you - I have no desire to say if it’s right or wrong.
I think you should consider the fact that if you divorce your husband you will no longer be his next of kin. That might mean that if he gets really sick, you will not be able to be with him or make decisions on his behalf. That would be really horrible and tragic for you both.
My sympathies…
If you do divorce, yet continue to live together and attempt to keep that a secret from Social Security, that is illegal. They want to know if you live with anyone, if that person helps you financially, and what your relationship is. Anything less than complete honesty to those questions and your husband can be fined and/or jailed, in addition to not receiving assistance anymore.
I didn’t think you were being nasty at all, no worries, just trying to explain why we’d even think about something like this. Didn’t mind you asking!
What’s wrong with him? I ask only out of curiosity as a wannabe nurse.
He has a variant of muscular dystrophy, on top of which he has the wickedest, most resistant case of psoriasis (with psoriatic arthritis) that three dermatologists have ever seen.
Again, a general thank you for the opinions/advice, and yet another reassurance that we don’t intend, or ever did intend, any deception or lawbreaking. I asked out of ignorance of the ramifications, but how else do you get your ignorance straigntened out?
What are the few “luxuries” you mention?
In most states… I believe, if your husband gets support from you in any way even if you were to divorce him, the support he gets would have to be reported; which would negate any advantage you imagine you’d get by divorcing him. There isn’t some magical disadvantage to marriage.
Aside from that, for what legal reason would you be divorcing him? Are you planning on lying? I don’t think that “so that the gov’t pays for his medical bills” is a valid reason for divorce under the law. No matter how you look at it you’d be breaking the law.
Does your husband get Soc. Security disability benefits?
Why do you sometimes feel you are “standing in the way” of him getting the benefits he needs?? Are you saying you won’t buy him the medicine even though you can afford it without losing your house?
Did you both have insurance when this whole thing began?
In many states, there are organizations which help SSI/SSDI recipients figure out their benefits. These are not SSA employees, but are trained in SSA policies and procedures amd know the system inside and out. Here in Massachusetts, we have BenePLAN, but of course it would vary from state to state. Although these were originally contracted and funded under SSA’s Ticket to Work program, they can help with other questions besides earned income. I’d suggest getting in touch with your local SSA office and asking who is responsible for that in your state.
Good luck. It sounds like a terrible situation to be in.
Actually, that’s not true. I have known couples who choose not to get married but live together as husband and wife because cohabitation does not affect SSDI (although it does affect SSI) whereas marriage does.
Again, ad nauseum, we am not planning on lying, we don’t want to deceive anyone, we’re just reaching. I said before that I, and my family, and his, have no experience with divorce, much less with dealing with serious medical issues, and I asked from naivete, not from deception.
Luxuries, in my opinion, are things like having cable, and the internet connection, eating out once in a while, that sort of thing. Meaning that we can meet our normal daily needs, but meeting the enormous costs of the adaptive equipment he will need soon, eventual 24-hour care, etc. is not something we can do.
I said I feel like I’m “standing in the way” because if I made less we would qualify for more assistance, and if I made more we wouldn’t need assistance. Either way, I make it harder for him to get what he needs. Of course we would just flat-out buy him the medicine if we could afford it, we wouldn’t even hesitate.
She might not need a reason at all. I know California, for example, is a no-fault state. I volunteered at a Self-Help Legal Center for several months and helped many people fill out their divorce papers–they never had to supply a reason.
But how can you divorce him without lying? If you can’t be honest about the reason, and you state you don’t want to lie, the whole idea is moot, isn’t it? That has nothing to do with naivete.
So you are saying that the state doesn’t allow you enough money to pay your mortgage and eat, and basic necessities and provide for the medicine? Would you lose your house if you paid for his medicine? Is it that kind of choice? Please be honest.
Or are you saying that your luxuries are more important than your husband’s medical care? Help me understand this, because it looks like that’s what you’re saying.
There are lots of people with absolutely no resources, in the position you are in, who do not own a thing. Those people have no choice, unlike you. The system does not have enough money as it is, should those people pay more so that you can afford some luxuries? Who should pay so that you can continue to live in your current fashion? This is not a moral point but a practical, social one. I’d be interested in your answers.
This may be a completely cockeyed question, but you say that if you made less you would receive more aid for the medical costs. Would this increase in aid be more than the salary you would be giving up?
If so, would taking a voluntary salary reduction be an option? Like I said, this sounds utterly nuts to me but I don’t know the numbers. Have your employer donate the difference to charity or MDA or whathaveyou.
I’ll also chime in with the “Check with a lawyer” (or whoever specializes in this sort of situation) recommendation.
If you haven’t done so already, I would suggest contacting a social worker (they should have them at the hospital your husband goes to) or hospice. Not that your husband needs a hospice right now, but they might have some suggestions for dealing with a costs-spiraling-out-of-control issue such as yours.
I’d simply like to point out that the “luxory” of a cable bill and the 'net, coupled with the odd meal out probably comes to, what, about $100.00?
The medication is $4000.00.
Giving up their few little treats isn’t going to make a whole lot of difference.
Sounds like a crappy situation. The first thing I would do is seek professional counsel – a lawyer, tax/estate planner, etc. Whatever you can afford.
Here are a few articles I was able to dig up around the net. Please check them out before deciding one way or another.
http://www.jsonline.com/lifestyle/advice/jul02/61526.asp
http://centerltc.org/bullets/archives2001/313.htm
Personally, I don’t think it’s ethical (in theory), but then I’m not in your position and so it’s really none of my business. Whatever you and your mate decide, do what’s best for you two and what it takes to let you live your lives in happiness. And please, speak with an attorney before you do anything.
Good luck!