A very good friend of mine was told in December that her husband was leaving her.
This friend seems convinced that no matter how awful the man treats her, no matter how mean he is, no matter that he’s seeing another woman, that she still wants to reconcile. She refuses to file for divorce because that would mean “saying that he’s right.”
I’ll be honest. I think she’s being an idiot.
But that’s why I need you, o Dopers, to school me.
It’s been 10 months. Should I be supportive of what I consider her self-delusion, or should I be assertive in trying to get her off her ass? She is living with her mother, has no job or resources of her own, and keeps saying that her husband will owe her alimony. But since she isn’t filing for divorce, I’m not sure how she’s planning on getting alimony!
Help me be a good friend and neither a martinet nor an enabler, please.
Simple enough – her argument, apparently, is that if she divorces him, he’s right in leaving her. There are two answers:
He’s an asshole, and while he may be wrong in leaving her, she’s definitely right in leaving him.
They truly do have irreconcilable differences, in which case he IS right in leaving her, and vice versa, and – so what? It’s of no importance that he be wrong, it’s merely important that he be GONE.
Ultimately it’s her life and her decision. You might be able to get her to go to a preliminary visit to an attorney, so the she can be advised of the repercussions of leaving it up to her husband. If she’s like this about everything it may explain why her husband is leaving. :rolleyes:
You should be supportive of your friend as much as you can stand to do so. It is difficult to watch someone you love and care about refuse to take care of themselves but in the end it’s her life, not yours.
I think that you should very plainly state your opinion about what she’s doing or not doing and how you think that’s affecting her. (in as loving a way as you can manage) She can do what she wants with that information, use it or ignore it, that choice is hers.
And then you can decide how to handle the friendship. I found that with my friend, we just aren’t as close as we used to be. Mostly because when we talk it’s the same old thing, over and over and over again and it’s tiresome and one sided. It makes me very sad inside to know that she’s not happy and that she’s settled into this existance that seems to have minimal joy. I wish I could give her the strength or willingness to change her circumstances but I can’t. We still talk all the time and I’m still the shoulder that she crys on when stuff gets bad but it’s just not like it used to be.
Good luck. Don’t forget to take care of yourself.
Oh, and this reminds me of something I heard once that has followed me through many times when I was afraid to move from a bad situation:
“The known misery is always preferable to the unknown joy.”
My god. You really have been in exactly the same situation.
I just can’t seem to find any patience. I look at the calendar and just get so frustrated, but I don’t know what’s normal for those going through a divorce. I don’t know when I can legitimately say, “You know, you’re wallowing and I’m tired of helping you wallow.” Was that time six months ago? Six months from now? Never?
Coupled with these little games that she has decided to play, like where she’ll send messages to him via 3rd parties, and I feel like I’m trapped in high school.
She says she’s never been dumped before, so I think part of this is the sort of thing most of us do have to deal with in high school.
If you are her friend, the best you can do is listen to her. I am not sure why the husband isn’t filing for divorce unless it is to avoid alimony since she isn’t getting legal representation. If you give any advice, it may end up backfiring on you. If she asks what you think, be honest but be gentle. If she doesn’t ask your opinion, don’t offer.
The lawyer situation kinda loses me. They shared a house in one state, and she lived there while he commuted to another state for contract work. Since he said he was leaving, she left her house and came to Ohio and got a lawyer. He stayed in the other state. He filed for divorce in the state where they lived, but the Ohio lawyer says that it’s no good because she’s never been served. Ohio lawyer says she should file, soon, and that she is a candidate for alimony if she files in Ohio but not if she files in the state where they were living. She whines around about how filing will make her a divorcee, how it will mean that she’s immoral(?), and how it will make him right. And she keeps saying, “But he sued me. But he sued me.”
Then he calls her and shrieks about how she’s ruining his life and driving him to bankruptcy, and then she says that she’ll happily get divorced if he gives her $10 thousand a month and the house and all of their joint property.
And god, I’m ranting.
I haven’t gone through a divorce, so I can’t really understand what she’s feeling.
Oh, yes, I know that trapped in high school feeling and high school was ages ago for me. My friend gets really wrapped up in nostalgia and wants things to be the way they were way back when…when we were thin…when were in a band together…when we were roommates…I have moved on with my life. I have lots of new stuff going on including a new band and new husband and she highly resents the fact that I don’t want things to be the way they were 10 years ago. She lets me know that as often as possible which is just another reason we don’t hang out like we used to.
Incidentally, my friend and her husband were separated for 7 years with neither of them filing for divorce and both of them having other relationships. Now they’re back together. He treats her just like he always did (like she’s a stupid child that needs to be scolded) they (according to her) have no sex life (like zero, not in 5 years) and she’s a shadow of the fun, charismatic person she used to be when we first met. It is really a very sad thing.
Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack…guess I needed to get that off my chest.
With no job or money, she’s probably reluctant to engage an attorney. Divorces, even uncontested, are expensive. There are the DIY kits, but even those require payment of filing fees, and other expenses. I’m with you that she should definitely do something to move her life forward, but maybe for now that means getting a job and building some self respect.
She has an attorney, and her wealthy mother is paying for it. That, honestly, was a bad decision by her mom, because (I’ll call her Jenny) Jenny is making no attempt to conserve her mother’s money. She uses the lawyer to send snarky little messages to her husband.
I’m going to go against most of the advice here and probably get stomped for it, but… whatever. I’ve been in the same situation as well… having a friend in a terrible relationship, cheating, etc., and I did not know how to help her make the right decision.
In that situation, I was stuck trying to figure out whether a friend consoles or a friend should do what’s best for her. Unfortunately, I chose to console her. In the end, I figured out that, by consoling her, I made it a little easier for her to continue on with the abusive relationship.
What I realized is that love is doing what is best for the person regardless of whether its what I want or not. I think its selfish to value the companionship part of a friendship (ie, what is best for me) over the love part of a friendship (ie, what is best for that person). To this day, I wish I’d been a lot firmer with her. As much as I value her friendship (FWIW, she’s my closest friend), if it meant she would have suffered for a year or two less, I’d like to think I’d have loved her enough to be willing to lose some or all of that companionship to help her get her life in order.
I was your friend when I got divorced. HOWEVER, I did not drag it out that long. My friend let about a month go by with me crying at the drop of a hat and refusing to file because I didn’t want to be the one that initiated the divorce, etc, etc… One day at work I was literally laying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position crying (again) from the depth of my soul because it was our company holidaylunch and somebody innocently made the mistake of asking who I was bringing to the family Christmas party.
My friend gave me a few "It’ll be OK"s and finally stood up and said “Just how long are you going to let him hurt you? Get up off that floor right now and act like you have balls of steel until you grow a pair. For god’s sake, ShelliBean. Get some self respect and fight back.”
And I got up off the floor and went about my life. It wasn’t great and I still took some time to heal, but I quit acting like a petulant 2 year old/whiny basket case and took control of my divorce. Less than 6 months after he said “get out” I was in my own apartment, filed myself and was more or less over the initial pangs. I just needed my ass kicked to get there.
Careful though, I took it well. The problem is you don’t know who will and who won’t.
This is pretty much exactly what I’d wished I’d done. Hopefully, if the person is a good friend, you’ll know how to say it in a way that is an encouragement and not just getting her to second guess how good of a friend you are.
I pretty much gave it word for word what my friend said (it’s almost 4 years later and I still remember). But I’m the kind of person that appreciates directness. Some people may need more soft-pedal approaches.
All the time? No. But none of the time is getting pretty damned annoying. We’re closing in on a year and it’s still fit-throwing and gameplaying. That seems excessive to me, but what the hell do I know, y’know?