Convince me it's not as bad as it seems

In My Humble Opinion
1

So in early spring my wife and I separated. She was remarkably easy on me re support (5 years, which in California is nothing short of a miracle). We both moved out, me into a rented house. So far so good.

Well, reviewing my bills for the last 3 months since then, I’m spending about $2k more than I make, with very little I can change. I came to the conclusion this last week that I’ll need to move into an apartment, and even that change won’t help enough to put me in the black. I do have substantial assets (about 600k), and I’ve resigned myself to just spending them down for five years, or about 120k. So boo-hoo, I’m just some other jerk with a cash flow problem, right?

meanwhile… the family home was a country property that had a kinda dicey well. It went dry for a couple of weeks last year, and we spent $12k on a storage tank and did water deliveries for a few weeks, then the well recovered. When my wife and I agreed to separate in February, I insisted that the house go on the market immediately, to make sure it was sold before a well problem could happen. We went under contract on the house on June 8, and the buyers delayed and delayed (I do not suspect trickery, just flakiness), but they were supposed to lift their contingencies tomorrow.

Yesterday it became apparent the well was going dry. My agent had filled the swimming pool, which of course draws down the water system, and 3 days later the tank was 1/3 empty (on a 5000 gallon tank). Today it was half empty. It seems to be dry, or at best failing. We’re going to be forced to disclose this day after tomorrow, and I expect the sale to fall through. So now I own a house with a dry well. I really can’t expect anyone to be interested in such a property (although miracles do happen).

I’m not proud of myself for trying to sell this property to someone pretty much expecting that the well would fail. But I could rationalize it because the well was actually working when it was on the market. No more. And we must disclose, no way around that, the genie is out of the bottle.

meanwhile… in May, I was told that I may have prostate cancer. I’m waiting for my prostate to heal from the first (inconclusive) biopsy before getting another (hopefully conclusive) biopsy. But I fear I cannot afford treatment in any case, so I’m considering doing nothing.

Am I as screwed as I feel right now? I know I sound positively pathetic whining about money, and I apologize for that and thanks for your indulgence. But I’m scared shitless right now.

Thanks for listening, and please be slightly kind.

2

I forgot to mention that I cannot discuss my possible cancer with family members. My dying father’s wife’s brother (my step-uncle) is dying of prostate cancer. Without a positive diagnosis, there’s no way I’d discuss this with someone who could disclose it to my father, so I’m without family support on this issue.

3

Have you had the well looked at by professionals and what did they say?

4

Yes, and the prognosis was, “yup, your neighbor’s well went dry 3 years ago, your other neighbors well went dry last year. You’re next. Sucks to be you.”

5

I’m in the Gilroy area. Drought now, but next year is supposed to be wet (El Niño from what I have read). Disclosure of the well issue now doesn’t necessarily mean the sale will fall through. Considering that the well has come and gone in the past, just get your ducks in a row on the costs for trucking in water, and be prepared to answer questions. A well expert is also a good call. And, It is a sellers’ market here. If these guys fall through, there will be someone else.

if it comes down to it, you can always rent out the property and keep income coming in that way, while you wait for conditions to improve.

Wait to hear about the prostate results before you panic. (Says the woman who panicked while waiting for results on her third round of test on breast cancer tests.) I know it’s easier said than done, but you don’t know yet. And you’ve got a lot going on.

Hang in there and keep us posted.

6

I was expecting more of a “we need to drill another well, sucks to be you” with $$ estimate. I mean really, they’re job is finding you a solution.

Did your neighbor move away or is this a “2 weeks in July” problem?

Can you add a cistern fed by your gutter system? This was SOP in a lot of locations years ago.

7

Re prostate cancer. Don’t do nothing! Your health is paramount, and anything else can be negotiated/overcome later. But cancer cannot be negotiated with. It will not listen to reason. It has no remorse.

Make sure you are OK in that dept. first.

8

ISTR that prostate cancer is a slow-growing thing, and that a policy of “watchful waiting” is often adopted. I don’t know what the typical timeframe is, but it may be that your cancer (if confirmed) won’t require treatment for many years:

So if you’re in the unlucky 1/3, you’ll need to begin treatment sometime soon, but the majority apparently can wait much longer.

So go see your doctor, and at least find out where you stand.

9

I should have mentioned this: when we bought the property, 14 years ago, we drilled a well and came up empty. I think we went down 300 feet. We used a local driller with big equipment; the drilling took a little more than 1 day. Their advise was, “drill here, you’ll find water,” so we did, and didn’t. So we’ve already talked to the experts about a new well.

One of the wells was strictly agricultural, so that neighbor no longer keeps cattle on the property for that reason. The other neighbor does water deliveries, to the tune of $500/month, and toughs it out until rainfall comes and their well heals.

Hmm, well since it only rains here 4 months out of the year, the storage on a cistern would need to be truly massive to make a difference. From our previous dry-well experience, I’d say we use 5000 gallons every 5 days, using irrigation and 3 people living in the house. So a cistern tank would need to be large enough to turn the tide during dry-well time, which could be several months. My 5000 gallon tank cost $12,000 to install last year, so using it as a baseline, I think you’re talking a humongous amount of bucks. I could see that approach working in a wetter climate, but this is the California mega-drought.

10

Things seem like shit when they first happen, but life will go on and your perspective will adjust. More people die with prostate cancer than from it.

I think you are wrong on not telling your family. If you were my son, I would be more pissed that you kept this type of info from me.

The property has value, it may just be slightly less without the well, and the added cost of trucking in water. Remember that most people don’t have free water on their property, they have to pay the municipality to deliver it to them. So it’s not a lost cause.

And it sounds like your support payments may be dragging you into the red every month. How did you negotiate the amount that you are paying? Great that the duration is only 5 years, but they should be based upon both your current incomes, not some arbitrary amount.

11

What on earth are you using 1,000 gallons of water a day on!?

If you invest in some conservation measure - high efficiency washing machines, low flow faucet aerators in the sinks, hell maybe go crazy and install a grey water system between the bathroom shower/sink & toilet, rip up lawn grass and put in native ground cover… You won’t need near 5,000 gallons every 5 days to live there, and you can advertise it as having eco-friendly upgrades.

12

Most people are diagnosed with prostate cancer in their 60s or 70s. It doesn’t have time to kill them in most cases. I’m 52, it certainly has time to kill me.

I don’t have an actual diagnosis, I think it’s premature at this point.

A well is already very expensive to get water out of. There’s two 240 volt, 20-amp pumps to run to get every drop of water out of the ground on my failing system. I don’t know what that works out to per gallon, but it’s certainly much more than any almost any municipal water.

The spousal support payments are on the low end of the range the lawyers calculated with their magic program where you plug in everyone’s income. It’s about 23% of my after tax income. It is tax deductible, so I raised my allowances an appropriate amount to take advantage of that, but with those allowances, it’s 23% of my after tax income. Child support is non-negotiable; you look it up in a table, and that’s what you pay, period. Child support + spousal support is 32% of my after tax income, and is not tax-deductible. I pay child support for the next 3 years until my son graduates from high school.

13

Irrigation, mostly. There’s a lawn in the back yard. There’s also a pool, which needs about 1000 gallons/week to replace evaporation. (Yes, I’ve checked the possibility that there’s a leak in the pool, using the “bucket test” twice and found none. It just evaporates a lot.) ETA: it might actually be 5000 gallons in 7 days. It’s one of those “it depends” things.

14

First of all, I think it is natural to feel scared. It is a bad time, but at the same time it is not as bad as it could be.

Second of all, when you are feeling scared, it is hard to make calm decisions. Try to set aside some times to let yourself freak out, and the rest of the time pretend you are a calm, assured version of yourself, and do what he would do.

From what I see over here, why would you even consider not doing something about the potential prostate cancer, when you have $600K in assets? You won’t even need those assets if you put yourself out to pasture to die.

Monthly finances-wise, if you do move into an apartment, and made a few other changes, could you change the $2k in the red per month to $1k? If you can, maybe you can commit to that for 10 years, then you use $60K of your assets for the first 5 years, and pay what you can back in the second 5 years.

House-wise, get all the information you can. You said it went dry for a couple of weeks last year. What reason is there to think that it is dry permanently this time? are your neighbour’s wells permanently dry?

The average Californian household uses 360 gallons per day - how are you reaching 3x that? Can any of that be fixed in the house?

Also, as an overall view, if you can’t talk to friends/family about some of this, I think you really need someone in your corner - what about some form of counseling/therapy? Someone practical who can help support you making some of these decisions would be good.

15

Ok, the irrigation is just rediculous in this situation. Create a lawn area that is suitable for the climate, and stop with the watering. As for the pool, how about a retractable cover to keep water loss to a minimum? A thousand gallons a month when you have to truck water in is just not ok.

16

squeegee, you’re understandably depressed and scared what with the massive changes in your life, and I think it’s affecting your judgment. It’s making you curl up into a ball and avoid doing necessary things. “Not doing anything about cancer” sounds like depression talking. Please get some therapy, or at least find a divorce support group or some such where you can talk to people about what you’re going through.

17

Oh, I understand that quite well. I’ve been seeing a therapist, but I can’t say I’m getting anything out of it, and at $125/session (insurance doesn’t cover a dime), I really can’t afford it.

And, yeah, I’m both freaked out and depressed. I haven’t even been able to eat lately, I’m so stressed out. I’m trying to avoid liquor, but it’s difficult. Thank god right now I’m on a 6 week sabbatical, as I doubt I’d be able to be productive at work (I write software). But it really sucks, too: a sabbatical is supposed to be a time of renewal, rejuvenation. I’m certainly not getting any of that. I’m supposed to go to Yosemite today for 3 nights (a VRBO house I rented before I realized I can’t afford anything), but I can’t seem to make myself go as I couldn’t possibly enjoy it under these conditions.

18

I think you should find a new therapist! I saw a couple before finding the right one. Also I think you should take the trip to Yosemite and put your mind on “ignore everything for three days.”

I’m not sure being off work is such a great thing for you, since having something else to occupy your mind right now would be a good thing. Go on your trip!

And come back here any time and complain or freak out; we can help.

19

You have money and an income stream. You are paying 120K to get rid of a wife, if that is not a bargain maybe you shouldn’t have gotten divorced.
You are selling a property in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the world. Having to get a little less to put in a water system will still leave you better off than 99.9% of the people in the world.
Depending on the stage, prostate cancer is very survivable. Out of all the ones you could have gotten this is one of the best. 15 year survivor rates are 94%. The US has the highest survival rates in the world. You are at the right time in history, and at the right place.

20

Well which is it? You have prostate cancer or you don’t. You act like you do in your posts. If it’s got you worried enough, you should tell your family. Again, if you were my son, I would be pissed that you didn’t share what you were going through. So what if step Uncle Bert already going through this. If you were my son, I’d want to know.