On the morning of Monday, 4th October, at approximately 10:30 Eastern Daylight Time, a zombie uprising began in a small town in western Connecticut. The uprising lasted just over a week, and before it was ended by the brave, noble actions of some self-sacrificing guys whose name I forgot to write down 38,756 people – including the entire population of Stars Hollow, home of Lorelai Gilmore – became voodie take-out. Rory Gilmore was eaten in mid-pout. It was all very sad.
After the last of the zombies were put down, there was much finger-pointing. A hasty investigation by the Department of Homeland Security determined that a member of the Straight Dope Message Board was responsible for casting the spell that caused all the carnage. Naturally one Skald the Rhymer was the first suspect, but he was able to convince everyone of his innocence by pointing out that there was no money to be made in unleashing hordes of cerebrum-hungry revenants on an unsuspecting Northeast, and even if there were, several members of the Short List he can never harm unless it’s funny or something live up there so he’d never risk it, and anyone he was on vacation, with witnesses, the entire time. Thus the investigating agents have turned their attention to the rest of the Dope.
Make your case for not being immediately sent to Guantanomo.
Oh. Er, the waitress at Sims in Little Rock, some 1,300 miles away, can testify that I was having my usual breakfast of chopped barbecue pork, fries and beer.
I am not responsible for the Zombie Apocalypse because this is a real, (arguably) intelligent world where people have guns and notice things like Zombies.
Not that I haven’t tried. Sixteen fucking times. Hell, even in countries where they claim not to have guns. The lying bastards. No attempt has made it past a few score victims before the people rally and take the zombies down.
There’s no way I brought the zombie virus into town. That girl was alive when I slept with her on the Caribbean cruise, I swear. I checked her ID, it said “living non-zombie”. It looked real. She told me she had eczema.
Not me. I’ve been too busy working on my changeling virus. It turns people into theriomorphs, not zombies. You want the mad scientists three doors down–look for the red logo.
As a staunch leftie, the last place I would loose the zombie apocalypse would be a solid Blue State like Connecticut. Had it been started in Texas, Okahoma, Kansas or Utah, we might have had something to discuss, although I’m not entirely convinced such a thing would be noticed.
Oh no you don’t. We gave up on zombies a long time ago. They just don’t have lasting power as foot soldiers for the Powers of Darkness. Besides, we’ve been busy dealing with those damn upgraded octopusses. We still are missing two land-life-support units and an experimental blaster.
Check with the grad students at Miskatonic, it’s their type of humour.
As a lifelong Connecticut resident (yes, western Connecticut) I would certainly have noticed if a zombie outbreak had occurred in my state. My first defense is that October 4th was Tuesday and not a Monday this year, so I cannot have been responsible for this occurrance.
Hell OF COURSE I did it!, and if you try to arrest me or dont give me ONE MILLION DOLLARS before the next full moon, I’ll do it again!, and somewhere important (Like Buenos Aires), no some 2 bit Connecticut town.
I trust that the ticket stub from my trans-dimensional portal travel will prove that I was in an entirely different part of the Omniverse at the time. Those things can’t be faked you know, because the Crayola people don’t make that color in this continuum.
