Can anyone give me some funny, ridiculous, outrageous, or just overall cool quotes from the bible. Or just give me a website where i can look for some.
I was just looking for the book, but it is archived deep in my closet. For a good reference on the ridiculous stuff, look for “Ken’s Guide to the Bible.” I think Ken Adams is the right name. I will look right after this post.
The old testament prophets, after Moses to Daniel, are a good start.
Elisha got mad at some kiddies making fun of his bald head, so he sicked a couple of she-bears on them. Killing all 40. Around Judges 19, I believe, is a story of a guest in a house. A mob of men surrounded it, demanding the man. The keeper put his daughter out for the men to rape and kill. This resulted in one of the tribes getting completely slaughtered.
I am rusty, I know.
My favorite Bible verse:
Enjoy Bible verse hunting!
Yes I can: www.infidels.org/library/modern/donald_morgan/index.shtml
Just follow some of his links.
Oh Landover Baptist has t-shirts and stickers and stuff with offensive bible quotes: www.landoverbaptist.org/mainx.html It is a very offensive site if you are the least bit christian.
In light of current events, Psalm 18 might be considered timely; even patriotic by some, especially the following:
“Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces” --Malachi 2:3
“There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” – Ezekial 23:30
The above are a couple of Landover’s favorites, available on t-shirts and bumper stickers, etc.
One of my favorite bizzare bits can be found in Exodus 33:
I long to put this one on a collector Bible card, with the title “God moons Moses.” The mind truly boggles.
It’s gotta be “Jesus wept.” Easy to remember!
KJV
Jonah 4:10-11
10 Then said the LORD, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:
11 And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?
Verse 11 always amused me for some reason, plus I think it’s appropriate here, since God is sending Jonah to fight ignorance. How would you like it if God said you couldn’t tell your right hand from your left hand, hehe. Plus he mentions cattle on equal footing, that doesn’t reflect well on them now, does it? 
Boy, that was really funny and cool!
Yup, pretty rusty. The story is about Lot offering his daughters to the crowd of Sodomites who asked him to send out to them the “men” who were guests in Lot’s house. Apparently neither the Sodomites nor Lot knew that the “men” were angels. The Sodomites did not rape or kill anyone, as the angels struck them blind. The story is in Genesis.
Yessir, those stories are real knee-slappers all right! Of course, the OP did add “outrageous” as a criterion. The Bible is full of stories that fit that description.
Isaiah 16:11, KJV: “Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kir-haresh.”
Who knows if it’s really about farting or not, but it made me giggle nonetheless.
Can’t believe nobody added this yet:
Ezekiel 25:17
“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”
I’m not sure if I’ve been whooshed, Jdeforrest, but that “verse” is from Pulp Fiction, not from the biblical book of Ezekiel.
DesertGeezer, actually, the story with Lot and the angels is in Genesis ch. 19. The one that Road Rash is referring to is indeed in Judges ch. 19 (interesting coincidence!), and is basically right except that it wasn’t the host’s daughter that was handed over to the mob, but the guest’s concubine. The upshot was that the tribe of Benjamin (in whose territory this took place) refused to hand over the guilty parties for punishment, which made them complicit in the crime, so the other tribes fought a civil war against them in which the Benjaminites narrowly escaped total annihilation.
Two I’ve always found useful in certain circumstances:
“and [Judas]…went and hanged himself”
“go thou and do likewise”
1 Samuel 15 tells the story of King Saul and the prophet Samuel. God tells Samuel to have the Israelites go and utterly destroy the Amalekites because of the way they treated the Israelites during the 40 years in the desert. The instructions are explicit that absolutely nothing of the Amalekites’ civilization is to be spared, incl. the livestock. After the campaign, Samuel returns to Saul’s side and is greated by the sounds of animals in the camp. Saul claims to have done as commanded. Verse 13 and following: …and Saul said to him (Samuel) “Blessed be you to the Lord; I have performed the commandment of the Lord.” And Samuel said, “What then is this bleating of the sheep in my ears and the lowing of the oxen that I hear?” I’ve always liked the sarcasm just dripping from Samuel’s words there.
There’s also a great scene in 1 Kings 18 when Elijah confronts the 450 prophets of Baal. Elijah proposes a contest. Two sacrifices, one to Baal and one to God would be set up. The god who lights his own sacrifice wins. (slight simplification) Anyway, Elijah lets the prophets of Baal go first. They set up the sacrifice and then dance and yell and go through all sorts of rituals all day to get Baal’s attention. See vs 26 and following for the good stuff - Elijah begins taunting the other prophets: “Cry aloud, for if he is a god, either he is musing or has gone aside, or he is on a journey or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.” Even after all-day rituals the sacrifice remains unlit. The best part of the story is what happens next. Elijah dumps a large quantity of water over his sacrifice and the stone altar it is on. Following a brief prayer (vs 37, 38) the fire of God falls from the sky consuming the sacrifice, the wood, the water AND the stones of the altar itself. Cool, huh? 
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. (Ezekiel 4:12)
Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? (Isaiah 36:12)
Vanitas Vanitatum
Eccles. 9:10: Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whithere thou goest.
I have to hazard a guess that many Christians sort of glide over this verse…
Exodus 22:19: Those who fornicate with animals must die.
I’d like to see that engraved on confirmation gifts.
II Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”
Not in the same spirit as the ones about drinking your own piss, but I found it cool.
Again, not with the funny/offensive theme, but I like this one. It’s a good summary of the kind of life I hope I’m living.
Be on guard. Stand true to what you believe. Be corageous. Be strong. And everything you do must be done with love. ~ICorinthians 16:13-14