Sacrilege!
http://www.dumbshitthebiblesays.com/
Random pick:
“And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.” — Isaiah 34:7
It’s official…we MUST teach schoolchildren about the mating habits of unicorns. After all, unicorns must definitely exist, it’s right there in the Bible!
Just for what it’s worth, the word translated ‘unicorns’ is re’em, and is thought to mean the Aurochs. The Babylonians depicted them in profile, hence with only a single horn showing. Stir in a little folk etymology, mix well, and voila.
I have very little use for people using the Bible as a textbook of cosmology, physics, astronomy, natural history, or ethnology, anyway, but I happened to know where this particular one came from, courtesy of L. Sprague DeCamp and Bernard Heuvelmans, so…
Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!”
24 So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
2 Kings 2:23-24
I had to look that up to make sure it was legit. I love this site.
Besides, it’s true: a skinny little girl starts collecting unicorns, and almost immediately she starts filling out with lots of curves. Proof the Bible is true! 
"And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow.
“So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.”
2 Kings seems like it is awfully hard on children.
Aw shucks. This site only has 12. Once you cycle through that many it just goes back to the beginning.
Yeah, I wish there were more too. I love stuff like this.
Are these supposed to be obscure? I’ve heard of all of them and had no idea people didn’t know these parts of the Bible.
I don’t know. I was raised Catholic and I didn’t recall a single one of them.
Really? I’d think that if most people know of these, there’d be a lot less Bible literalism around. If any. I’ve heard of a lot of them, but I’m pretty open to finding this sort of thing. Your average believer on the other hand…
“And then she saideth unto me, thou art pwneth.”
How much time was spent studying the Bible? I’ll admit one or two of those aren’t super famous, but the whole “baldy” kids getting eaten by a bear is pretty famous. We used to laugh about it as kids.
The first one I got was about beating your slave…which was quoted on It’s Always Sunny recently.
pwnedst. Let’s keep our Elizabethan English right here!
Well, if there are only 12, I can look at them real quick and see how many I can explain without having to look anything up. Spoilered for length:
[spoiler][ol]
[li]The first one I saw was Matthew 5:29: “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee.”[/li]
In this context, Jesus is talking about a Jewish concept called the “evil eye,” which actually means being greedy. Jesus is responding to the rhetorical remark that people can’t help but do evil. A modern paraphrase would be: “Well, if it really is your “evil eye” that is causing you to be greedy, why don’t gouge it out so you won’t be greedy? Wouldn’t that be better than being condemned by God?”
[li] Next was Isaiah 34:7: “And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.”[/li]
This one is a translation problem. The KJV and similar translations at the time used mythical creatures to translate animals that they couldn’t clearly identify. As already mentioned, we now think the word represents an autarch.
[li] 2 Peter 3:5:“But they deliberately forget that long ago by God’s word the heavens existed and the earth was formed out of water and by water.”[/li]
I’m not exactly sure what the problem is here. The Creation account in Genesis does involve water. The “scientific” explanation I’ve heard is that the earth would naturally be solid surrounded by water surrounded by gas. And the idea is that God changed that by moving the water around, moving some of it into the atmosphere, and separating it out by land.
But even without this, the context of the quote is clear. It’s supposed to be proof that Jesus really is coming back. It’s supposed to counter the idea that miracles don’t happen. It’s saying, hey, how else was the world created without a miracle?
[li] Exodus 21:20-21: “And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.”[/li]
Yeah, that’s pretty much what it sounds like. It’s similar to the idea that one can spank their children, but not abuse them. And, yes, slavery was permitted in this time period, but it’s not exactly the slavery we were used to. For one thing, it absolutely could not be indefinite. For another, there were a lot of restrictions. But still, it was worse than indentured servitude.
[li] Isaiah 36:12: “Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?”[/li]
Okay, this is finally one I was not aware of. But surely it is a metaphor for being poor. The text itself did no help me, so I had to go a bit deeper. I realized that an ambassador from the king of Assyria is threatening a Israelite fortress. What I didn’t realize is that the threat is a blockade, and thus the Israelites will eventually not have any supplies. They will have nothing to eat, and might even literally have to perform these acts as a last desperate attempt to stay alive.
[li] 2 Kings 6:29: “So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.”[/li]
Okay, this is obviously from some sort of famine. Surely you know this is not the recommended way for anyone to handle anything. A quick look shows it’s yet another siege. It’s also a fulfillment of prophesy–Deuteronomy lists such a bad famine as the results of turning away from God, and specifically refers to having to eat your own children.
This is probably the first one that could be problematic to literalists, and even then not very. It only seems convenient that the prophesy should be that specific, but of course a literalist is going to believe it really happened that way.
[li] Back to one I know about–2 Kings 2:23-24 “From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. ‘Go up, baldhead,’ they shouted, ‘go up, baldhead!’ The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the children to pieces.”[/li]
Yeah, it’s pretty mean of the prophet, but the idea is that, by calling him that, they were actually claiming he couldn’t be a prophet, and challenging his power. Christians usually fanwank it by saying that Elisha made a mistake, but that God, due to his word, had to honor it. And that Got must have had a reason for letting it happen that was not mentioned in the text. But, then again, some literalists have no problem with God really being that mean. I mean, if Pat Robertson thought the Earthquake in Haiti was justified…
[li]Matthew 21:18-19: “Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, ‘May you never bear fruit again!’ Immediately the tree withered.”[/li]
Now here’s a power play that is a lot more acceptable. Jesus also uses this to make a point. He loves his metaphors. When it comes to His kingdom, God is really goal oriented. Only people who actually contribute to the kingdom will survive. If, when God comes to collect your contribution, you don’t have any, he will cause you to wither and die. It’s basic literalist and fundamentalist theology, really, if not basic Christian theology.
Still, I must admit the comment on it is actually amusing.
[li]Proverbs 31:6 “Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.”[/li]
The context of proverbs is that these are sayings not made to be taken literally. The idea is the beer or wine causes pleasure, and thus, when someone is in trouble, you should try to make them feel better.
But even if you take it literally, alcohol is a drug and was used as a type of medicine. We do the same thing today, giving people that are suffering pain medicine when we can’t stop the pain itself. And we will give the most addictive stuff to people who are dying, so it won’t be so hard on them. What’s so shocking about that?
[li]Isaiah 11:8: “And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’ den.”[/li]
Oh, come on. This is a frickin’ prophesy. They are always a bit figurative. In this case, it is describing how perfect heaven will be. This site seems to have the weird idea that all these thing are commandments. Why not also include the previous verse which talks about lions laying with lambs?
[li]Deuteronomy 25:11-12: “If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.”[/li]
Yeah, that’s a very stringent prohibition on fighting dirty. Not atypical for the Torah to have very strong punishments for infractions. Most believe that these were rarely doled out. They were just for intimidation purposes. Still, I’m sure a lot of men would want this to happen after being punched in the groin.
But, really the problem the site has with this is stupid anyway. There doesn’t even seem to be a reason why this is considered worthy of the site. It just is castigating the woman, which is silly. Is it really so far fetched to think someone might do this? Heck, kneeing people in the groin is used today.
[li]Ezekiel 16:17: “You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”[/li]
Again, the site is being stupid. Idolatry was a big deal back in this time. When one god wasn’t helping, you often made a new one. I don’t know without looking if this is literal, figurative, or even a reference to the Golden Calf. And really, is the idea that a woman (whose husband has likely been out) might want to make a dildo so far fetched?[/ol][/spoiler]
So, I had to look up 2 of them, and even then I got the gist of both just from what I knew about the Bible. And I’m not really that big a Bible scholar. I agree with Mahaloth that I am surprised more people don’t know about most of these.
So what you’re saying is that when the Bible says that two men should be put to death for engaging in homosexual sex it’s actually a deep metaphor about Happy Days reruns?
Goldarn. Don’t you just hate it when you’re having yourself some good old religion-snarking, and then you’re suddenly brought up mid-stride?
Somebody should tell Colbert about that quote from Ezekiel. I mean he is pro-God but anti-bear. God is clearly pro-bear. This does not make sense.
Nope, that one is pretty much literal. I didn’t say there’s not material for the site. I just didn’t like some of them.
He’d just become afraid of bald people.