Atheist: Your favourite ridiculous Bible quotes

Or passages. The flip side of this thread, the ying to the yang. While we can all agree that there are good things in the Bible, there’s also laughable nonsense. What’s your favourite of the latter category?

My long standing favourite is from 2 Kings 2 23-24;

Call Elisha bald? Bears, motherfucker!

It gets more ridiculous from that point on.

Any reference to the Lord being a shepherd wanting to protect his flock.
The only reason a shepherd protects his sheep is so he can milk them, fleece them, and barbeque them.

Any reference to thy rod and thy staff shall comfort me… because I have a dirty mind.

The killer she-bears definitely top the list, but the statues of golden mice and golden hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 6:17-18) are memorable too.

There’s also Deuteronomy 23:1, where it says your cock and balls have to be intact to enter into the community of the LORD. Makes you wonder exactly what they were doing in the community…

Genesis 27:11; “Jacob answered his mother Rebekah, “Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man and I am a smooth man.””

It makes sense in the context of the story (although the story itself doesn’t make much sense either), but that line just always makes me chuckle.

Judges 1:19; “And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.”

Apparently, the Lord has the same weakness as Golden Age Green Lantern.

I thought Golden Age Green Lantern had a weakness for wood. It’s fairies that have a weakness for iron.

The part of the bible I dislike most is Numbers 31. They wipe out another tribe like Moses told them to and Moses gets pissy because they let women and children live. Nasty.

Ezekiel 23:20:

Technically this is a metaphor for the kingdom of Judea messing around with idolatry and entangling foreign alliances and stuff, but man, that is some vivid imagery! I think ol’ Zeke may have had some…issues…with women.

The moronic story of Noah, who sailed his ark to the South Pacific, to gather pairs of 125 species of Procellariiformes, “fowls” like petrels and albatrosses, which never light on dry land in their entire lives, except to lay and hatch eggs. Somehow, these birds would not survive a flood without Noah capturing them kicking and screaming, and tying them down to the superstructure of his ark. He also had to take along enough food for all the animals, which in most cases, consisted of each other.

This replies on this thread are blowing my mind in a million magical ways.

Why is that story in the Bible at all? If they would have edited out all the screwy stories that don’t go anywhere, and all the begattings of people who don’t matter to anyone, the book could’ve been pared down to a reasonable size.

Great Honk, you’re right. And here I was thinking that fairies wear boots.

Lot’s daughters raping him while he was passed-out drunk is a charming story that definitely belongs in a book “God-breathed” and “useful for instruction in righteousness.” But to be fair, I guess it was every bit as charming as Lot’s previously having offered them to the angry mob.

I think Lot spread the “so drunk” story for plausible deniability.

You’re right. Fairies wear boots and that’s no lie.

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Ezekiel 23:20:
Quote:
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
Technically this is a metaphor for the kingdom of Judea messing around with idolatry and entangling foreign alliances and stuff, but man, that is some vivid imagery! I think ol’ Zeke may have had some…issues…with women."

I want to see that verse on a sign held up in an end zone or behind a basketball backboard during a foul shot.

How blessed will be the one who seizes and dashes your little ones against the rock.
(Psalm 137:9 NASB)

The whole Bible is a retard. I can’t believe so many idiots believe that retardation.

Or livestock.

I can’t get over the part where God gets mad that Moses’ son is uncircumcised, so his wife does an emergency circumcision while God chases Moses around. (Exodus 4:24-26) The whole thing is just baffling, even for Biblical experts, partly because much of the language used in the story is indefinite. But it’s not just weird that God would suddenly fly into a homicidal rage and try to kill the guy he just promoted to lead his chosen people (that kind of stuff happens all the time), it’s that God tries to kill Moses and fails. What… Did Moses outrun God or something? Makes no sense.

The verses dealing with God’s strange obsession with genitals are uniformly outstanding, but my favorite is Deut 25:11-12:

“If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”

Presumably, this doesn’t preclude kicking your foot into his private parts, but I’m no theologian so who knows.