YOU ARE THE FUCKING SON OF GOD. WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING WITH A FIG TREE.
Hahaha.
o okay
“$#*! My Deity Says, tonight on CBS.”
As an annoying 8 year old I pointed out in bible class one sunday morning that since the devil believed in Jesus, he was saved … the whole desert thing Jesus, thou are truly the son of god
Rolfamao. It was amazing how much time was then spent with her explaining it wasn’t meant that way.
Sorry, the whosoever believeth in me thing trumps your it wasnt meant that way. He believed Jesus was the son of god … perfectly clear to me. He accepted Jesus as the son of god. Since the devil theoretically doesnt actually worship anybody else [the devil as we were taught in sunday school was an angel suffering from pride, and wanted to be considered as good as god, they didnt teach anything about the angels finding a new god, hence logically the devil believes in god, the devil believes in jesus as the son of god. badabing badaboom badabam. the devil is saved.]
This isn’t on the site, but should be:
Psalm 137:8 O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.
Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
Yes, happy shall he be that beats infants to death against rocks. For the people who wrote the Psalms were vengeful enough to enthuse about infanticide, and it’s purely coincidental that their deity was vengeful enough to order genocides.
Here’s a fun one:
Mark 16:16-18
16:16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.
16:17 And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;
16:18 They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.
Ask any jerk who speaks in tongues to chug a bottle of Drano. Or any Christian, really-- these are Jesus’ own words. They may counter with something about “not testing God” but probably won’t be able to honestly say that no Christian has ever even been accidentally poisoned.
Thank you for this. Just recently I read something online about how Gods word must be true, therefore, homosexuality is a sin. I can use this verse.
If you want to completely ignore context, then sure. God isn’t saying this. The Israelites have just the destruction of their city, and the death of quite a few people. That they want vengeance is hardly unusual.
The way I’ve seen the homosexuality issue best dealt with is to specify that what was homosexuality in those days wasn’t the same thing as it is today. You have the idolatry in the Old Testament, and the Greek version of homosexuality in the New–which was essentially pederasty.
The only real point you’d be making with yours is that the entire verse needs to be taken in context. But there really is no context for those verses, without appeal to outside sources.
Cherry-picking verses out of the bible to mock it is no better, really, then cherry-picking verses to support homophobia or anything else. It just brings you down to the same level of ignorance, instead of having to actually, you know, study the bible to interpret it.
But my main question is – why do these anti-Bible sources always use KJV? It’s not really used by most major Christian denominations anymore – not only because of the archaiac language, but also vast improvements in translation and sourcing in the last 400 years. Using a modern translation, for example, would clear up that “unicorn” bit pretty quickly. The NIV translates it as “wild oxen.”
I agree!
The other issue with people who cherry pick ‘to use your own Bible’s words against you!’ is, anyone who has studied the Bible/been raised in a Christian church that teaches any kind of theology, has heard it before. I have heard all of these ‘clever a-ha, gotcha’ type arguments many times. (especially the ‘here is a verse that contradicts another verse! This invalidates your whole faith!’ type arguments are especially tiresome. Really, people, there are great minds who study this their whole lives, they are aware of the contradictions.)
People raised in a church/educated in a Christian school are not sheltered from the odd and difficult passages. In fact, we remember them because they are odd too (I could give you more off the top of my head…Samson setting fields on fire by tying foxes together by their tails and then tying torches between them and sets them free, for example).
The Bible is a long, complex and often misinterpreted book. It takes careful reading of the whole thing, and studying to understand, especially some of the more obscure portions of it. There are people who dedicate their lives to understanding the Bible and there is still discussion/controversy over some verses. But most of the stuff that sounds shocking at first glance is from the Old Testament, and has to be taken in context.
I am not familiar with the Koran, but I find it just as irritating when people take one verse and use it to paint Muslims as murdering terrorist extremists.
I mean, there are definitely parts of the Bible that are bizarre and even funny. But using them as if Christians will be shocked or surprised or something because you show it to them is kind of silly. (Yes, I am know there are Christians who have very little knowledge of the Bible and I know they cherry pick too, I hate it when anyone does it for any reason and I denounce it on both sides.)
and just for fun, here’s a good talking donkey story from Numbers 22:
25 And when the donkey saw the Angel of the Lord, she pushed herself against the wall and crushed Balaam’s foot against the wall; so he struck her again. 26 Then the Angel of the Lord went further, and stood in a narrow place where there was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left. 27 And when the donkey saw the Angel of the Lord, she lay down under Balaam; so Balaam’s anger was aroused, and he struck the donkey with his staff. 28 Then the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?” 29 And Balaam said to the donkey, “Because you have abused me. I wish there were a sword in my hand, for now I would kill you!” 30 So the donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your donkey on which you have ridden, ever since I became yours, to this day? Was I ever disposed to do this to you?” And he said, “No.” 31 Then the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes, and he saw the Angel of the Lord standing in the way with His drawn sword in His hand; and he bowed his head and fell flat on his face.
This.
When the followers themselves do it is what gets me in my craw, if you’re not going to bother actually studying the Bible but just mindlessly quote verses that support you, you have no business calling yourself a believer. And when your group uses those cherry-picked verses on society at large (homophobic Christians or terrorist Muslims), well, they brought the cherry-picking from the non-believers on themselves then, didn’t they?
The worst part is when they don’t want to do the in-depth study it takes to really appreciate the Bible, especially if you’re one of those “Bible literalists, every word is from the mouth of God” folk. Because, really, if every word in the Bible is true, and from God’s mouth, there’s really no sense to read another book, least of all one that may tell you different from what you think that Bible passage (written by God and therefore infalliable) is saying. The church I attend has a fair number of literalists in its ranks, it’s neigh on impossible to argue with them. (Thankfully, there’s also some intelligent, smart people there too. Especially the pastors for the most part.)
Making Balaam the world’s first politician! 
(See, he talked out of his ass? Oh, never mind.)
If they really believed that, they’d burn every book that wasn’t the Bible: It either agrees with Scripture, so it’s redundant, or it disagrees, so it’s heresy.
Yeah, well if they really believed what they said they believed they’d do a lot of things differently. Since they don’t, I feel free to mock them.
snort
And that’s how the Lord dealeth with snark.
I don’t think that qualifies as stupid, just cruel.
I do wonder how the gender of the bears was was verified, though.
It says not to lie with a man as you would with a woman. I always took that to mean be sure not to call them Barbara and you’re fine.
It was in the police report.
“Can you describe the bears? Male, female, any distinguishing marks or tattoos?”
Or, never use the same pick-up line for both genders.
Really, it’s dating/relationship advice. When people say the Bible is savage, they mean Dan.
They were wearing** Palin 2012 **T-shirts.