Optimism is the first step to disappointment.
Measure twice, cut once. Good for people for people who are prone to rushing into things and making costly/wasteful mistakes.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Measure twice twice. 
You can always cut it shorter.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I’ve got to get over it some time. Why not now?
Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.
Lots of good ones.
A couple I didn’t see:
The harder I work, the luckier I get.
Very few people on their deathbeds look back and wish they had spent more time at work.
If you buy less than you need, you pay for it, but you don’t get it.
When Hell is full, the dead will walk the Earth.
Obligatory clip.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
“Life is a shit sandwich, and every day is another bite”
-gotta figure there’s corn in there somewhere
If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs.
Be nice to the people you meet on the way up, you’ll meet them again on the way down.
He who conquers his own temper is greater than he who conquers a city.
(Much better than the version: “He conquers who conquers himself. - Vincet qui se vincet”)
This too shall pass. (From Abe Lincoln in Illinois?)
Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. (Often attributed to Henry David Thoreau’s Walden Pond, but he wrote that he heard this from a woodsman.)
The toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
Indeed.
and the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat."
If I’m not back in five minutes…wait a little longer.
And there was a whole series of these “Life Lessons” from TLC but for those of us who are NOT handy with tools…
Buy cheap, buy twice.
It’s not about having what you want
It’s about wanting what you’ve got
Do it right the first time and you won’t have to do it again.
Fortune favors the prepared mind.
Put in the work, reap the benefits.
Ask someone smarter than you.
Be humble, life will always have a lesson for you.
All Things Must Pass -George Harrison