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- Y3A d4t N40m1 w07f sh3 g0t d4 4ss!!!
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- Actually that’s the first time I ever heard of an attractive woman saying that looks don’t matter. Mostly it’s butt-ugly women saying that looks shouldn’t matter. [George Carlin said something to this effect] Which sounds as silly as dirt-poor guys insisting that their wealth/income shouldn’t matter. Yea, right. - MC
When I was 12 and would read Seventeen, they once gave this brilliant advice–“To get a boy to like you, ask for help with your homework. He’ll think that you think he’s smart.”
National Lampoon did a Cosmo parody once. I can only remember two of the topical headlines that appeared on the cover:
“Ooof! Guys who kick girls in the stomach!”
and
“Decorate Your Uterine Wall.”
The model on the cover was in the classic pose: Deep cleavage on display, hand poised somewhat clumsily between them…and her eyes were crossed.
Mad Magazine is funnier, and the Weekly Reader has more substance.
To be fair, Cosmo didn’t used to be so trashy before they changed editors. They’ve always been heavy on the how-to-get-a-man and isn’t-it-blissful-to-be-a-slut articles, but they used to have substantive articles mixed in with the dreck, like how to get out of an abusive relationship and how to survive a divorce. But since the changeover, they’re just pure dreck.
I haven’t read Cosmo in years. But in the late '80s, when I was in my late teens/early 20’s, I read it religiously.
Mostly it was articles about how to get ahead in business (dress really trashy and sleep with the boss), how to “properly” put on makeup (with a trowel), dating advice (probably the same stuff they are pushing today). But, the one piece of advice I will never forget was this, “Every lady should carry a pink silk pillowcase in her purse at all times, for those unexpected sleep overs.” IIRC, the silk was to show the man how delicate you were (your skin could never, ever touch something so rough and common as mere cotton), and the pink color was supposed to give you a rosy glow. Now that’s funny.
Now, I was a real goody-goody back then (still am :)) so I would read those dating articles and think “I should be doing what? I don’t think so. How do I know that thing is clean?” or “You want me to put blush where? Why? It’s not like anyone is gonna see it there.” or “Sorry. 'Fraid not. That’s a vegetable.” 
I also didn’t like clubbing or hanging around in bars or going to a co-ed gym in skimpy leotards trying not to sweat while I worked out. (OK, I liked hanging around in bars - but not in a skin tight dress, sipping on a white wine spritzer, provocatively crossing and uncrossing my nylon clad legs - I went in jeans to drink beer and play darts with my friends. BIG difference.
Looking back, I guess I must have read it for the laughs - I sure didn’t read it for the advice
DoctorJ wrote, in the OP:
Sounds like it’d make a good pick-up line: “I just got some really expensive breast-firming cream – will you apply it for me?”
The one item advertised in Cosmo that still stands out in my mind is a wristwatch designed to be worn as an ankle bracelet. It didn’t sound terribly practical for telling the time, although it did sound like you could ask a guy what time it was as an easy way to get him to touch your leg. The caption on the ad read, “24 hours of secs.” 
bradysg wrote:
Unfortunately, that week’s AV Club is no longer “this week’s” AV Club.
I can’t be absolutely certain, but I believe the faux Maxim magazine cover bradysg was talking about is this one, in the AV Club Archives: http://www.theavclub.com/avclub3622/bonusfeature1_3622.html
I love the caption at the bottom: “‘I can’t believe it fit in my mouth!’ and other out-of-context quotes to make naive starlet Allison Lee sound like a total skank.”