Could use some advice re: kid

In My Humble Opinion
1

This past week was not a happy week for me, culminating in a car accident yesterday in which my car was totalled.

Actually, the car accident was as nothing as far as my peace of mind is concerned. I don’t know if this is the right forum for this, but I am so sick at heart and so miserable and also so bloody angry I’m not thinking straight. My boy’s name is not “Tom”, btw, but that’s not important.

On Tuesday I had a phone call from the counsellor at Tom’s school. He wanted to have a meeting with me and Tom, to discuss Tom’s poor academic performance in the first term. Tom did have a crappy first term, he passed 2 courses with poor marks, but has worse marks in Science and Social Studies. This is a bright kid, and his poor marks are totally because he hasn’t been doing his work and he has been displaying a bad attitude. The counsellor said he asked Tom if he had any issues he wanted to discuss and according to him Tom said, “I don’t need any counselling and you can’t tell me what to do.”

Now, I don’t doubt for a minute that Tom was probably not the politest boy in the world: he and this guy had issues over changing Tom’s courses when it became apparent at the beginning of the year that the school had put Tom in the wrong classes. Some kind of clerical mix-up, but the counsellor was pissy about it and more or less dragged his feet about changing the courses. I realized then, this was in September,that the guy had taken a dislike to Tom. Now, that might sound like a “typical” parent remark, but I am not prone to making the assumption that if Tom gets in trouble at school it’s because “the teacher doesn’t like him”. Not at all. It is evident from the way this man talks that Tom is a “problem” to him.

So, when he asked if I could come in and have a meeting, I said, OK, we’ll come in and have a meeting. He says, “Has Tom ever been to counselling?” And I said, “Yes, after his mother died, he went off and on for a couple of years.” So the counsellor says, “Oh, you’re not his mother?” And I said, “No, I’m his grandmother and legal guardian and I’m surprised you didn’t know that, it’s on his record.”

“Well,” he says, “I think Tom needs counselling again. Between his poor marks and his sexual misbehavior . . .” And I said, “WHAT? Back up a minute here. What are you talking about, sexual misbehavior?”

He started backtracking immediately. “Oh,” he says, “it’s immaterial now. The girl’s parents decided not to go any further.” And I was just about shouting now, saying, “What are you talking about? What sexual misbehavior? Tom has said nothing about this. The only time Tom sees girls is at school, did something happen at school?”

“Never mind that,” he says. “It’s in the past. It’s not important . . .blah, blah, blah.”

So I was, as you can imagine, so furious I couldn’t speak clearly. I had made an appointment to see him, with Tom, on Tuesday after school. But I’ve decided I’m not going to keep the appointment. And I want to know what the HELL the guy was talking about.

I asked Tom about it and he was as puzzled as I am. I told him I am intending to get to the bottom of it and he is all for that, which makes me even surer that he’s telling me the truth. He says he has said or done nothing of this nature at all, never. I believe him. So WTF was it about? I think this is very, very important, and I am NOT the least bit satisfied with what this guy has said. Why weren’t we called at the time, if Tom was accused of doing something? Tom says he was NEVER told that anyone had complained about his behavior.

I have written an email, which I intend to send to the counsellor AND to the principal, but have not yet sent it. Maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t know. Here it is, please let me know what you think:

Mr. G . . . .

I think that it will serve no purpose to have a meeting between Tom and you and me. We will not be seeing you on Tuesday, December 2, as arranged.

There is one issue arising from your telephone call that is extremely important and that is the complaint you mentioned about Tom’s behavior with a girl. I do not presently expect to be told who the girl is, but I do expect to be told what Tom is accused of having done, where, and when. He has a right to know what he was accused of, and so do my husband and I.

I do not understand why we were not informed of this when the complaint was brought.

When the words “sexual activities” and “sexual misbehavior” were used by you, I was shocked that we had not been informed at the time of the alleged incident. You may be sure that we take it very seriously indeed, as I made clear during our telephone conversation on November 26. It is not sufficient for you to say “it doesn’t matter now” and “the girl’s family decided not to proceed further” or whatever your actual words were: they indicated a kind of casual dismissal that I find appalling. Does that mean that the allegation was groundless? Evidently it has not been forgotten, since you chose to bring it up; moreover, you brought it up as a stain on Tom’s record. As his grandmother and also as his legal guardian, I will not ignore this. It is my duty to protect Tom and I intend to do it.

You thought if was important enough to mention it to me, and I am sure you understand that we cannot simply disregard the matter. Anything of this nature is too serious to be set aside without a satisfactory explanation.

Please do not speak to Tom about this. Any further discussion of the matter, if there is any further discussion, must be carried on in my presence.

I have sent a copy of this email to the principal .

Yrs, blah, blah.

Right now I’m so bloody mad I am not really rational. The only person I care about in this is my boy. He’s no angel, as I know better than probably anyone, but he’s a good kid and no liar.

2

I don’t know what advice you want but you have every right to react exactly as you have. As for the email, I don’t know whether an actual letter may not be better perhaps (at work we avoid email for contentious stuff going off site but …???). The content seems fine although I would make it clear what response you want and when you expect it by.

Good luck.

3

Wow. Obviously if Tom’s been accused of anything you should have been informed of it at the time. His backpedaling is a very bad sign and I agree that you need to get to the bottom of it right away. Personally, I am not sure you should do this in an email. I would be at his office, with the letter in my hand so as to know what I’m going to say. Definitely you need a letter to document this–but I think I’d make it a letter, not an email, and send the copy to the principal.

The wording seems fine to me except for one line that jumps out at me–the line about “it’s my job to protect Tom and I intend…” I think you should take that out. A school official will read that as “I am not rational about Tom and will do anything to make sure that he does not have to face the consequences of his actions, and I’ll scream a lot and blame anyone but him.” You might as well put a big sign on your forehead saying “Ignore me and don’t take me seriously.” I’d replace the line with something like “As his guardian I need to be informed of any problems concerning Tom. If he has done something, the school has an obligation to inform me immediately. If he has not, the accusation should be stricken from his record.”

Write out clearly what you expect and a deadline for it, as above.

4

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{vison}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I agree with the others; I’d call the Principal and demand a meeting between him or her, yourself, and this “counselor” (who sounds like he shouldn’t be counseling children). I’d put your complaint against the counselor’s behavior in writing and bring it with you. And I would certainly ask for your grandson to be reassigned to a new counselor effective immediately.

I’m glad to hear you’re ok after your accident! I hope everything works out with the school.

5

Thank you both for such calm advice! I haven’t sent the email yet, and I may not. But I just don’t know if I could be rational in person, you know, my voice might shake or something, and I so MUCH want to be the calm person here and not rip the guy’s face off and use it as a floor mop.

Thank you, don’t ask.
I take the suggestion on the wording, thank you,** dangermom**, point well made.

And I think you’re right about setting a deadline, another thanks.

6

I think you are very right in your reaction. An accusation of sexual misconduct can have the possibility of being very damaging, and accusing someone and then backtracking is just infuriating.

My only worry is that by stressing the slander against Tom, you might make it “stick” with people who hear just a fraction of it. Insinuation like that is so damaging, just because any denial of it just make people think: “Tom? Oh yeah, there was something with sexual misconduct with that boy…I always thought there was something wrong with him.”

If I were you, I’d focus on either having the couselor fired or to have Tom get another counselor. Then you can bring up the alledged misconduct in a way where people involved will remember the couselors misconduct, not Toms. After all, at the time of the accusation, the counselor should have looked into it and come to some sort of independent conclusion and act on it. He didn’t. Not knowing Tom’s home situation and all that other stuff are just more arguments for you to make your point that the counselor is unsuitable.

Because really, you don’t want to start a sexual misconduct trial at this time; what you want is this incompetent biased guy off Tom’s case and him assigned a better couselor.

7

Actually having the counselor fired isn’t likely. Most counselors have tenure and there is a long process to go through. But this situation is just outrageous! (I was a teacher.)

If I were you, I would leave out the part that says that you do not presently expect to be told who the girl is. Since you don’t know what he is accused of, you may want to find out immediately who she is. And your son may have a right to face his accuser. Who knows at the moment? (IANAL)

Bless you and the heavy load you are carrying. Try to relax some. Your letter is assertive and not too aggressive. But I know that inside your are outraged. How dare this counselor decide that this is irrelevant to you!

8

I had precisely this thought when I read the proposed letter.

And I’m so sorry you are having a crappy time of it.

9

I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through lately. It sounds like a lot to bear. Since my grandmother is now the legal guardian of her 10-year-old grandson following the death of his Dad, I can imagine the dynamic here and bless you a thousand times over for being there for that kid.

I think you are doing the right thing – but I wouldn’t even bother with the guidance counselor anymore. I would go straight to the principal or even the superintendent–and deliver that letter in person. This is a very serious issue and you absolutely should have been informed if there were any accusations made against your grandson. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with anyone perceiving you as upset – you have every right to be upset, and anyone with half a brain cell would understand why.

10

Me three. He may well have done something borderline inappropriate: it wouldn’t mean he’s a sexual predator. If it does come out that he made a terrible joke or wrote a note she shouldn’t have written or sat outside a girl’s house for three hours in the rain, you don’t want that revelation to be like a “victory” for them–your attitude has to be that you want the truth.

11

Speaking as a Middle School counselor, I say send the email to the principal with the changes recommended by other members. You should have been informed the instant the allegation of sexual misconduct happened. Tom wouldn’t tell you that he got in trouble, and how can you correct the problem at home if you don’t know there is a problem?

Email is a wonderful way to keep a record of communication, and the principal can print it and keep it in the counselor’s file and refer back to it during evaluation time.

Definitely have the conference with you, the counselor, and the principal. Bring up the scheduling issues as well.

Good luck

12

Thanks again, everyone. I am getting the kind of advice I hoped for. It’s hard for me not to be emotional about this.

Tom is 13, will be 14 in 2 weeks. As I said, he’s no angel. But he’s also a basically truthful kid - this is our second time around raising 2 boys and we’ve seen it all before and can recognize BS when we see it. Compared to his dad, he’s a piece of cake, teenage-wise.

Obviously what gosmacked me was the off-hand way this guy brought it up. I wonder what the hell he thought I was going to say?

I have decided I’m going direct to the principal and at this moment am thinking of delivering him a letter by hand. I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but there is nothing stinkier than some hint of “sexual misbehavior” clinging to a person. Although we didn’t know about it, the girl and her family know and also the counsellor. No idea who else, no idea who (if anyone) is or was talking about it, no idea if the girl and her friends are going on about it on Facebook, etc.

Thanks again. A day of calm thought, I hope.

13

Just so you’re aware, if you live in a province that has privacy laws, like the FOIP act in Alberta, you may not ever be told the girl’s name. If there are records of the alleged incident, they would not contain the names of any other children involved.

You do, however, have a right to see your grandson’s cumulative file. In fact, as I understand it, any parent or guardian can ask to see the file at any time, and the school is required to provide it, but you may want to check with your provincial education department. According to this PDF on the gov’t of Alberta website: “…Parents have the right to review their children’s school records or cumulative files. Call ahead and arrange a convenient time. The principal will need to arrange for a staff member to be available to answer questions or help interpret reports or other information that might be in the file…” I assume other provinces have similar policies.

The reason I bring up the cumulative file is that if the alleged incident was serious enough that the counsellor is recommending therapy (not to mention calling it ‘sexual misbehaviour’), the file should contain a report regarding the alleged incident. If the file does contain said report, you should have been told about it. If it does not contain a report, the counsellor should not be mentioning said incident nonchalantly, nor making recommendations on the basis of said incident. Either way, something has gone awry.

14

Okay, what it seemed like to ME is that this counselor was not sure which kid he was actually talking about. Look at it this way: They messed up his schedule. They did not know he was living with a grandparent rather than natural parents. They brought up an instance of misconduct that you should unquestionably have been notified about.

All the more reason you need to get this sorted out. Where I live, the parent/guardian must be notified whenever the kid meets with a counselor or the principal (I once had a phone call because one of my sons was “counseled” about having chronically untied shoelaces, which apparently was the fashion at the time). Allegations of sexual misconduct would not have just slid past.

I would also expect, if this is the case, that the counselor, being otherwise inept, will try to cover that up, too. In that light you could see his backtracking as “Oops, I mentioned the wrong kid, I’ll try to get out of this without admitting that.”

Be careful. Get the school to provide the allegations. Don’t give them any fodder by putting it in your email. This could be the kind of stain with lasting consequences. You don’t want something like this unsubstantiated allegation floating around your kid’s reputation for the rest of his school years.

15

I fail to see the sense in cancelling the appointment. You’ve been given a perfect opportunity to meet with the guy and get to the bottom of it and you’re throwing it away because you’re feeling miffed? Bad move.

It’d be better to keep the appointment but insist that the principal be involved as well. If there’s ‘sexual misconduct’ allegations going around, it’s his job to ensure that they’re dealt with. Clearly one way or another the counsellor isn’t doing his job: if Tom’s guilty, YOU should have been informed, and if he’s not (or if there was a complaint, but it was found to be false) then the counsellor has no business giving it the time of day. Either way, the principal has to be involved.

16

Yes, I take your point. Thank you. But the thing is, I asked the guy to explain it and he wouldn’t. However, I do intend to see him - I just intend to have the meeting in the principal’s office. And I will take someone with me. I think 4 ears are better than 2, and 2 heads are better than 1 and I don’t want to be outnumbered. If my husband can’t go, T’s uncle can.

17

All sorted. After a letter to the principal, a phone call leading to a long talk with the principal. The “incident” was on a facebook page and nothing like “sexual misbehavior”, was given apologies over incendiary language from counsellor.

Thank you all for your advice.

18

Excellent. Glad y’all got it sorted out!

19

So has anything been done or changed to ensure that this counsellor won’t do something else that is counter to Tom’s best interests? Getting an apology was good, but seems far short of solving the problem.

20

Glad to hear it. Are there any plans for getting Tom a new counselor or anything, or are you just going to move on?