A Sincere Quandry. A Desperate Cry For Help/Advice. Very Long, Please Help.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hey guys!

I’m going to be flat out honest here…I have a crush on a teacher. How long has it been you ask? A year (that’s right people, last May to this May). Is the teacher male or female? Male. Kunimitsu, what’s your gender? Male. 15 year old male. I didn’t come out of the closet to anyone though. I can’t hold this in anymore (feelings for the teacher)…so I really want to tell him.

Let me provide some background information which makes my predicament rather difficult. Funny how some of my friends have the EXACT same problem. Anyway…

He’s NOT my teacher, he’s a science and gym teacher. I never had him as a teacher. He was once my supply teacher from gym in grade 10 and that’s when it started. Followed him everywhere and tried to retrieve information as much as I could. Little did I know, next month I had a boyfriend. Lasted until April (of this year duh), we’re good friends now though. But during this April, the teacher I like (‘Mr. McNell’) haunted my mind WAY TOO much therefore the initial grace of the relationship I had with my bf was completely ruined – and noticed. So we gone our separate ways, again we’re still very good friends though. He’s 19 in case you were wondering. And fine as hell, in case you need to know. :wink:

Well, ‘Mr.McNell’ since May has always been staring at me in the hallways and even initiated a few conversations with me! But these happenend recently. Conversations were like 1 minute, but that’s a whole lot for me. :smiley: From the information I gathered he’s a bit arrogant and cocky. But that doesn’t bother me. And what I hate is that, since he looks really good…everyone either is flabbergasted by his charm or just plain hates him.

He’s been giving me signs, always stared at me while walking through the halls…I’m aware that could be coincidence. But sometimes when there was basketball games at school and what not, he turned over a couple times to look at me! Directly at me! The staring been happening for almost like ever. But somedays (lately like this week) he’s been ignoring me. He just doesn’t look at me anymore, like I don’t exist. But I do that too to him sometimes, because well, I can’t explain myself. But to me it’s like an off signal (if he does it).

The only thing that concerns me is that I feel he completely forgotten about me and doesn’t even know I exist anymore. Since I didn’t get to see him that much…also to the fact this week he ignored me (or so it seems). There’s been a few rumors concerning that he’s gay. So it may work out. But I’m not exactly the best looking person around…and he is. So, I don’t know…

Now that you guys know almost everything. Should I just tell him? I have unbelievable heartaches just facing the fact that I’m not part of his life and he’s not mine.

Oh! And I’m in grade 10 currently, I failed science last semester and can’t take it for summerschool. He teaches grade 10 science (he wasn’t my teacher though). I’m scared if I tell him…I’ll end up in his class next year! Making things akward. But I SO HOPE he ends up as my grade 10 science teacher next year. I’ll get 100% on the spot! :smiley:

So what should I do? I’ve been really depressed this week and it because I think of him and the way life would be too much.

Help!

2

First note - It’s completely normal for guys in their early-to-mid-teens to have crushes on older men. This happens to just about everyone! This is not necessarily a sign of actual sexual orientation. Not that it would be a bad thing for you to be gay or bi, but don’t necessarily throw out the possibility that you’re actually straight having the typical adolescent crush.

Second note - For both your and his sake, ignore anything you think you see coming from this teacher. For your sake, because it’s incredibly easy to see things in ways that they actually aren’t. For his sake, because any attempt to pursue anything could ruin his entire career and life. You’re 15, he’s 19. You’re a minor (by just about any state AOC law), and he’s an adult. There are entirely too many problematic legal implications involved, not to mention his own ethical implications as a teacher.

In general, I’d say forget about it. I know it’s difficult, but if you really care about him, you’ll leave him alone and turn him down if he approaches you. If you really think you belong together, tell him to wait for three years, until you’re eighteen. But don’t pursue it right now.

It’s just my advice, of course, as one former gay 15-year-old to a current one.

jayjay

3

jayjay, thank you SO much for your response! Means a lot man, this been on my mind too long.

I’ll reply to your post accordingly.

Yeah, I read articles and it claimed/said younger guys have a high certainty to be attracted to older males. Although, it was regarding homosexuality. Wow, but if it does happen to other guys (heterosexuals) than I’ll be damned!

I concur with most regarding the second note. I do my outmost attempts to ignore this guy – but my desires are much too strong to handle. Oops, my boyfriend is 19. This teacher is…26. But jayjay, if we did have something going on together, I’m a pretty discreet person so I doubt anyone would find out. If I could keep my ex boyfriend a secret and my orientation than I don’t see in challenge in this. The ethical dilemma is what pains me…because that could be they cause of us not going anywhere.

“if you really care about him, you’ll leave him alone…tell him to wait for three years, until you’re eighteen”. That right there my friend is deep…I am going to keep this thought when I go to bed.

Grrr…I hate love/infatuation.

4

Jayjay’s second note speaks volumes and is very wise advice. (Except that no teacher is likely to be 19 – I read that as the age of the ex-boyfriend.)

You are likely to be reading things into what he does, Kunimitzu. (I suspect if a kid was constantly looking at me, finding reasons to be around where I was, I’d definitely take notice of him/her – and that may be what you’re seeing.)

But even if he does have the hots for you, there are all kinds of legal problems, not limited to the age-of-consent thing – in most if not all states, he is legally bound not to get involved in any sort of personal extracurricular relationship with a student (other than in a defined-relationship sort of thing like Scoutmaster, church youth group advisor, volunteer counselor at a helpline, etc.).

Jayjay, I suspect Kunimitzu is at 15 relatively well aware of whether he is gay or not. But he did not address his orientation other than with reference to this one crush in his OP, so your advice is not inappropriate. But I thought the first sentence of this paragraph worth saying, because otherwise it looks like you’re being patronizing – not what you intended at all, I’m sure, but having been there, I’m sure you can see it from his perspecive now that I’ve mentioned it.

5

You know, what we really need around here is a “Teen Angst” forum. That way stuff like this would be posted there, and I would never see it.

Look, kid here’s the deal:

You can’t have a relationship with a teacher. Period. There is no “quandry” here. If you approach this guy , you could ruin both of your lives. OK? Just stop, and fixate on someone your own age.

Is that clear? Now do your homework and go to bed.

6

And keep that thought when you wake up, and when you go to school, and when you have your lunch, when you go to bed the next night… you get the point.

Crushes happen to every adolescent, but this doesn’t make it easy when it happens to you. It’s all a part of your emotional development into becoming an adult.

It’s probably not what you want to hear, but I think jayjay has a point–it would probably be best to leave the teacher alone for now, and stay involved with guys your own age instead. You are a minor, and if this teacher was to become involved with you, I can promise you with 95% accuracy that it would end badly: he loses his job, possible problems with the law for statutory rape, and you’ll end up broken-hearted–not where you want to be, is it?

7

Polycarp,

I must concur that piece of advice is correct and most likely the route I should take. But I just want to be irrational and forget logical thought. My emotions have a huge grasp of me and this time I just want to let them win. Because there’s a chance of certainty. Maybe.

I was thinking about that…but the ‘intentional’ stares made it bulletproof. Some stares admittedly, are coincidental and I believe that some aren’t.

To address my sexuality, I am bisexual. I’ve been more male-orientated since the past year due to like – 14 years of emotional repression.

It’s hard to let something like this go…I don’t want this to be a waste of a year. All this hoping, depression, happiness…after a whole good year, I don’t think it’s worth letting go. Especially after a chance might happen…

8

Generally, if someone is interested in you they will respond the eye contact with a smile. Did he do this or did he just look at you to see if you were staring at him because he’s baffled by the attention?

I can tell you there’s been more than a few people I’ve kept my eye on because they were creeping me out by staring at me all the time.

If he IS gay, maybe he’s trying to decide what to do, how to handle the situation. If he’s as good looking as you say, I’m sure he’s used to crushes (from both genders).

If he ISN’T gay, maybe he’s wondering if you’re going to be the next kid to bring a gun to school.

Personally, I agree with jayjay when he says

and I’d like to add that even if you were of legal age, it would still be a bad idea to pursue a teacher at your school.

Find a hottie somewhere else. I recommend checking out Esprix’s photo on the people pages…he’s what we straight chicks call “a damn shame”. :slight_smile:

9

Pharmboy you can simply ignore visiting this thread, sorry if it bothers you though. I didn’t mean to get on your nerves. Your post pretty much has no compassion or sense of relation – so I’ll disregard it.

JavaMaven1, it appears to me everyone is concerned with student-teacher relationships to eventually be ‘leaked’ or exploited. I don’t want to sound naive, but I am positive I’m discreet enough not to make anything slightly noticable if it were to happen. Also, loyalty is one of my best traits so I wouldn’t tell unless we separated far off to different countries – and you get the point.

But like I stated before – if my longing for him was for approximately 3 months or less. Your advice would have been acted upon. However this was a year…I’m not sure if I want to give that up…

10

Okay, total truth here. You don’t want to hear this. But I’m going to tell you anyway.

If you do this with this man, if you pursue this man regardless of how he might actually feel about you, yea or nay, you will end up hurting him and yourself, possibly beyond any hope of recovery.

These kind of relationships don’t stay secret. You slip up and tell a close friend you trust, or someone notices that your eyes and his meet every single time you’re in the same room, or someone sees you going into his house and staying for a long time. His sister/mother/brother/father/cousin visits him and finds evidence of a frequent visitor, which maybe points to a minor. Rumors begin somewhere, whether with actual evidence or not, and percolate up to the principal, superintendent and parental level and his career is over.

Simply put, Kunimitsu, this is far, far too serious a situation, with far, far too serious of consequences, to risk anything at all happening. If you must, masturbate to his image in your mind doing perverted, nasty things. But leave the actual physical original alone.

jayjay

11

Whew! You guys are such a helpful bunch! Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. :slight_smile:

Sue,
I’m positive he wouldn’t want to reveal anything if he was playing for the other ballteam so we usually don’t follow up with a smile. Just the peculiar ‘thoughtful’ stares. And like I said, sometimes he – what it seems like – looks out for me than just gives these quick glances.

There’s too leading sources which makes me believe that he is gay. So I’m going to assume that (of course I want to anyway).

Perhaps I should just stop him and say that I had a friendly crush on him…and how he feels about it? I don’t have the audacity to do that, but at some points I do…

12

jayjay, what you’re saying is SO true. Yet…I refuse to follow it – for obvious reasons. My own gratification.

You gave me an eye-opener regarding the (now low) chance of secret status. There’s some things you mentioned that didn’t cross my mind. Thank you SO MUCH for that.

Well, tell me this…anyone of you. How do I get over him? For a short period (around 3 days) I got over him because he ignored me…but than when he looked at me the neurochemicals such as amphetamines made my heart race again.

13

What need for compassion is there? Listen to every person that has posted here and FORGET IT>

You need to stop thinking about YOUR feelings and think about what impact a move by you on this guy could have on his entire career. Don’t you read the papers, kid?

14

Pharmboy, you are right but sometimes you just have to let subjectivity prevail. Just things that happen sometime. And ‘forgetting’ is not exactly something that can be done with ease.

15

For the first, no problem. I want to help when I can.

For the second, don’t discount the possibility that with all the eye contact going on, and the fact that you’ve felt this way for over a year, that there are already rumors going around and they just haven’t gotten to the dangerous ears level yet.

For the last, get used to the fact that there’s no good way to make it work now. Ethically, legally, practically, socially, and emotionally, it’s absolutely unworkable. You don’t live in a vacuum. There are other people in your world, people with sharp eyes and suspicious minds, people with sharp eyes and quick mouths. If your parents found out about any relationship, they could prosecute him for statutory rape, without your consent to press charges. They can put you into a reparative therapy program against your will. They can control and make miserable the next three years of your life. And they can ruin and conceivably end (by driving him to suicide) the teacher’s life.

Think about this. We’re not talking a few days in detention or being grounded for a month here. There are very real and very serious consequences involved.

jayjay

16

Kunimitsu, you are too young to get involved with an adult. It’s not fair to you - you are learning to deal with adult emotions at the same time you’re maturing physically. This is not something that happens overnight (as painful as it is). It’s also very unfair to your teacher as not only do you endanger him losing his job - he could go to jail. (On preview I see jayjay has made this and many other very valid points - listen to him!!!).

17

“Compassionate conservatism” at its best, folks… :rolleyes:

Kunimitsu, dear, you can’t do this thing, period. Let’s say you tell him. The following things could happen:

[ul][li]He is disgusted and you lose him as an admired teacher, and probably get some residual guilt in the process.[/li][li]He is not gay, but may be a nice, supportive mentor anyway.[/li][li]He is also gay, but not interested, leaving you disappointed.[/li][li]He is also gay, and interested, but cannot act on his feelings because you are both a student and a minor, leaving you both even more frustrated and more in danger of letting your desires take over, opening you both up to some serious, serious ramifications that will change both your lives.[/li][li]He is also gay, is interested, and decides to act on it, again leaving you both open to those ramifications. There is also the distinct possibility he’s a latent pederast, which you really don’t need in your life.[/ul][/li]
Under normal circumstances I would say be yourself and be proud, but there are times, as I’m sure Miss Manners would agree, that being too honest to the point of potentially ruining someone’s life, either yours or his, is where one draws the line. It’s ok to have fantasies, it’s ok to be in love, it’s ok to have a crush, but the potential disaster (and the potential is much, much higher than you think it is) is something that is too dreadful to risk, and that is a matter of fact.

You’re 15 - life’s supposed to suck. So go channel your frustrations and start a Gay/Straight Alliance or something. Hey, at least he’d notice you then! :smiley: Besides, he’s not nearly as hot as you think he is, and not nearly as hot as that other guy sitting next to you in homeroom who secretly has the hots for you but doesn’t know how to tell you. :wink:

(I will say, however, that one of my closest friends, who is now 19, told me he lost his virginity at 15 with a 33-year-old he met off the internet. He considers himself better for the experience, but agrees that now, looking back, the guy was probably a pretty sick dude; still, at least he was able to walk away from it as a positive experience. I’m just glad I met him after he’d turned 18. :wink: )

Esprix

18

jayjay – you won. With all those possible factors…it might end up not being worth it. For quite a long time I feel now (because of you and others) like I have some sense of objective awareness. While I was using objectivity through my thinking…there’s just some stuff I left out.

I never thought about the eye contact thing. Dang, because I do have a knack for looking even when my friends are around.

Now that I know I shouldn’t pursue this…how to discontinue this infatuation/love? Well, for starters…I could stop taking the long route in the halls just to see him. But would that really make a difference? Now I need to know how to get over this guy…:frowning:

jayjay, you REALLY helped me out here. I just want you to know that you dramatically changed/diminished a persons opinion for the better. You helped someone out there, I just really want you to think about that. Thanks.

19

Allow me to add my voice to the chorus begging you to keep this to yourself. Your love for him could send him to jail, with a rep as “short eyes”, which is jail code for a child molester, which makes him fair game for all-stops-out anal sex/gang rape.

And as mentioned, you could end up in a really ugly “therapy” program, even “conversion therapy”. You don’t wanna go there.

I’m sitting here doing a gender swap thing–if my 16-year-old daughter developed a crush on a 26-year-old teacher, what would be my reaction? I’d tell her the same thing–keep it to yourself, if you don’t want to get him in big, big trouble. However, doing jail time for statutory rape of a minor girl isn’t usually considered as reprehensible by both mainstream and jail society.

Write poetry to him, put it away somewhere in a secret file or journal.

20

Thanks for the addiotional messages by bracyrhynchos, Esprix and Duck Duck Goose!

You all (especially jayjay) have made me change my mind about this. In result, I will try my best to **not pursue anything **. Thanks guys. :slight_smile:

Which brings me to my main question (which I repeadetly asked) how to get him off my mind? I usually get over people quite fast…but this is posing to be more difficult than I originally though.