All the better. I am ostensibly poly; I do not need it to be true that I am, at any given time, involved with multiple people but I definitely do need it to be true that I am not restricted from following my appetite wherever it might lead me. I also do not want to be the ONLY person in my SO’s sexual life. I do not like having to be “everything”. I’d think an ideal situation would be a long-term rel with a woman who has a serious girlfriend as well as me in her life. Although another boyfriend would work fine, too. Not a stable of 14 guys, I wouldn’t get much time with her!
Presuming you to mean the inverse, the answer sort of varies. If she was only seeing him outside of the house–i.e. I never had to see him–then I’d be worried about an accidental pregnancy or somesuch. And even if she or he was sterile, I’d still be worried about her ability to control him. A woman would be physically equal, so she’d be able to keep the situation as she wanted, but a man is generally going to be larger and stronger. Now, if the guy was just someone who liked to have his groin mashed by high heeled shoes, or if he only ever was allowed to use his tongue on her, I’m probably fine with that. But a dating+penetrative sex relationship makes the power dynamic between them becomes blurred, at which point I’d be home worrying for her.
And if she was bringing her partner home then basically I’d just feel competitive, which makes me excluded from the relationship and my date/wife while he’s about. While as if my date/wife is cuddling with another woman on the couch, even if I’m not going to be invited to join them, that still just makes her look damn sexy to me, going out and catching prey to bring back. I’d just feel proud of her, rather than feeling competitive with the woman. I’m a whole different product.
Humans is irrational beasts, and I’m one of them. That’s the simple answer.
Oh, Skald, as if you didn’t already know the answer to that.
ETA, and not directed at StR: I can handle the “My girl is bi and I love it when she has her special lady over. No dudes tho!” talk, despite feeling there is a touch of Mayor of Creepsville to the whole thing. But this earnestness, this “Bravo for me! I am so broad-minded; we have a very sophisticated relationship with many a MFF episode where we explore our sexuality. No dudes tho!” really is a bit beyond the pale.
There’s nothing broadminded about it. Society’s rule that men and women should all be equally willing to do for their partner what they expect for themselves has nothing to do with basic biology. Basic biology is that men like women, the more the better, but are jealous of them when it comes to other men. You could say it’s creepy to be like that, but the simple truth is that 90% of men feel that way when it comes to their instincts.
I could lie, but personality I’d rather be called a creep unjustly than be a hypocrite just to get along.
Ah, of course, biology. Evolutionary psychology. There is a very excellent pitting on just that subject; it should be required reading. Suffice it to say, I am unconvinced that these “she’s bi, I’m strictly straight” pairings are the result of irresistible biological compulsion. And I am likewise unconvinced conforming to the rule of “turnabout is fair play” represents intolerable hypocrisy.
I’m 40, straight female. I would not date a bisexual man. Mostly because I’m attracted to hypermasculine men and that wouldn’t jibe with my ideals, but also a little bit because of the increased risk of STDs, which I do admit could be paranoid or presumptuous on my part, but still.
I have no problem with conforming. That’s why monogamy is the standard, because turnabout is fair play and it’s being a jerk to demand otherwise. But that still has nothing to do with my level of willingness. Saying that I would only be willing to live in a monogamous relationship is lying, as is saying that I would be willing to live in a no holds barred polyamorous relationship.
Now you could say that my version of polyamory is tilted in my favor, but given that
a) I’m not bisexual, while as the presumed woman is.
b) At no point am I stating any desire or need to be a part of her relationship with other women. So I don’t gain anything from this.
I’m not seeing it as being particularly tilted in my favor, if any. If her rule was that I could date outside our relationship, but only with men, I’d be perfectly happy with that ruling. It would be rather useless to me, but I can say for certain that I’d stick to it.
But as said, underneath all this is simple biology. Whether other men do or don’t have the caveman urge is irrelevant. I suspect that they do, but the key point is that I definitely do and it would be dishonest to say otherwise when explaining why I’d rather my date/wife not date other men.
One other explanation I’ve heard for why some men are comfortable with their wives/GFs seeing women (and swap the genders round), is that they don’t feel disposessed - the ‘other partner’ is giving their partner something they themselves can’t give. The original partner doesn’t feel threatened in their role.
That is a big tangent, however, when you’re just asking whether people could be in a relationship with someone who’s bisexual.
Whatever you mean by “hypermasculine” (and I truly have no idea) . . . why would that not apply to a bisexual? Why does a man’s sexual orientation reflect on his masculinity?
And unless you have a detailed report on the man’s sexual history (not just who he had sex with, but what they did), there’s no way you can assess the STD risk.
Straight male and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 28 years, but until then, for some reason that has never become clear, every single woman I’ve been with has been bisexual. So it was never an issue.
Bored, I once searched for my first girlfriend on the web, and she identifies as “poly/queer with a male and female SO”, so this wasn’t a “Girls Gone Wild” pretend lesbian fling, but a committed bisexual.
I was involved in a threesome with my best friend and his girlfriend. We had one threesome, but wildly different sex drives made that uncomfortable, and we eventually settled on alternating.
I think it’s pretty well established that men who have sex with other men are at higher risk for STDs, especially AIDS, than men that don’t have sex with other men. That risk is too high for me. And my ideal man has not had sexual encounters with other men- I can’t help how I feel about that. I have no problems with men who are gay or bisexual- I just don’t want to date them. Discrimination? Ok, but I do have the right to discriminate when it comes to dating.
That’s a fairly flimsy reason for that. Even if it were true (which I’m not sure it is, given that it’s not 1995 anymore), there are tests for that kind of thing.
Lesbians can be mean, abusive motherfuckers, too. And it’s rarely got anything to do with who is physically larger. So… no. But I do sort of understad being less miffed about a partner ‘cheating’ with someone who you cannot possibly compete with. Like women who, while royally fucked up after their husbands come out of the closet, at least concede that it really was all him and had nothing to do with them (genitals aside).
For the most part a partners past sexual history is of no concern of mine, unless it involves STDs. Once they marry me they stop being bisexual cause they won’t be having sex with anyone else, and honestly if i had to choose i would prefer to marry someone whos had sex with lots of girls than with lots of guys.
I’m a straight-leaning bisexual, and I would happily date a bisexual man if my boyfriend and I ever broke up. Get me some of that hot man-on-man action.
Re: the hypocrisy issue, I think that relationships and sexuality are too complex to be ruled entirely by logic. They’re based, after all, on emotions and hormones that aren’t under rational control. The rules that my boyfriend and I have are an attempt to balance what we want to do with what we’re comfortable with. They’re complex and subject to change as our relationship evolves. I don’t think that the rules of any relationship should necessarily be fair, but they should be agreeable to both* partners.
*or more, where applicable
I couldn’t do it because I’m not willing to share. It has nothing to do with the bi thing…I just wouldn’t be able to deal with another physical relationship whether it was a man or a woman. That’s just me, though.
straight male, 28. Not a problem, might even be a turn on.
I would be very iffy about a polyamorous thing though (jealous guy, can’t seem to help it), and I’m way too self-conscious to ever consider a threesome.
I assume someone who is bi will naturally have a hankerin’ for sex with the same gender sooner or later. They might not actually act on it, but I don’t see how they could feel fulfilled if they didn’t…sooner or later. I just think it’s a problem waiting to happen.
