“Under no circumstances would I ever disown my own child.”
If one of my children did certain of the things on the list I might be embarrassed or ashamed. But I cannot really imagine anything that would make me disown any of my children. I love them all unconditionally. Of course, they could do certain things that would make them dangerous to themselves or others, but even if I felt it justifiable to lock them up in a prison, mental institution, or other time-out facility, I would still love them.
In my case it’s enormously hypothetical, but even for something like killing or trying to kill someone or being abusive, I would call the cops on him and do my best to get him interned; I can picture helping his wife escape his abuse; but I would not disown him. If the doctors said it was best for him not to see me again, I’d stay away, but my kid is my kid is my kid. I own my failures along with my successes. (Substitute pronouns if the genders were inverted, in any case like I said no children of mine own loins, and I would not disown the Nephew and Niece either).
Obviously I don’t know how I’d feel if it ever happened, but I doubt I’d disown my child no matter what she did. I have other relatives and friends who’ve done some of the things in that list and I haven’t disowned them, and they mean nothing to me in comparison to my daughter.
If we combined both “systematic physical abuse against child” options it would be the clear winner.
Also, I’m kind of surprised, in a bad way, that someone would disown their child for marrying someone of a different race or religion. Religion I can see, maybe, but race? Wow.
I have one child. She MIGHT kill someone (she’s a martial artist), but she’d have a good reason. She MIGHT commit a major felony, but she’d have a good reason. Of the other stuff, either she wouldn’t do it if she’s in her right mind, or I don’t consider it worth disowning her for. If she gets married to someone of another race, that’s not going to bother me. If she gets married or committed to another woman, not gonna bother me.
If she did do something that I consider to be horrific, I think that I’d urge her to seek mental help, because it would be contrary to her personality to do something like Bernie Madoff did, for instance. I would worry more that she was mentally ill than anything else, and I would want to help her get better.
She had to go through a background check to get her current job. She only had trouble because she is friends with someone whose grandparents still live in mainland China, and because she was upset about a traffic violation.
One of my great-grandmothers got disowned for marrying against her parent’s wishes, as did one of my great-aunts. Different sub-sides of the same side of the family (my paternal grandmother’s parents, and my paternal grandfather’s sister).
The parents of a friend of mine (they would be in their 90s if alive) married against her family’s will. She got disowned. During the courtship, there had been several fights between the woman’s brothers and cousins and her suitor and his relatives, and I don’t just mean “loud arguments”…
The old man got very bad Alzheimer’s and at one point would mistake his sons (who take their looks from the mother’s family) for his brothers-in-law; this led to him trying to kill them several times, before they finally accepted that the old man there wasn’t their father any more and put him in a home. Still, more than half the times they went to visit, he’d try to go for their throats
And these people weren’t even the wrong race or religion or any of that, just the wrong side of the river, the wrong size town, or had lived in town for less than twenty generations.
I have watched my entire life members of my family mentally take advantage over our mother. For reasons too long and detailed to get into here, I’ve watched for 30 years + as each of her bio sons have systematically crapped on her. CRAPPED or Controlled her with Guilt. Her churchy upbringing has leveled a shitload of shame in there too, so I am leveraging alot onto them as well.
It.is.vile.and.disgusting.
And no amount of conversation or therapy or medication has stopped her codependent behavior and they never saw anything wrong with it.
Did I mention it is vile and disgusting. and it is ongoing in the inlaw side of the family on a higher degree and she.see’s.nothing.wrong.with.getting.shit.on.day.after.day. It is rephresensible.
***Most people are not going to kill someone or other act of heinous crime against humanity. They shit in the well from whence they drink. Daily and get away with it.
That is the greatest crime of all.***
If my children ever did anything like that to me or their future inlaws, they would not be welcome into my house. I raised them to not crap on people and to do their own jobs and in turn, not get crapped on.
I can’t think of a circumstance under which I’d abandon my children. And there have been a few occasions when it could have been an option.
I operate under the belief that, if there’s ever any hope for a lost child, knowing that they are loved and that person who loves them is standing by waiting to help them find a better path that that may be the best help I can offer.
My adult children aren’t objects to bolster my ego but rather my responsibility to care for no matter how difficult I may find that to be.
This does not include helping them out of their jams, giving them material things or excusing their behavior.
Surrendering a child you can’t care for is one thing. Another is birthing a child and then, because he isn’t living the way you prefer after you have raised him, is another. A child who is an adult has his own responsibility to the choices he makes, just as we each do.
In fact I’m horrified that so many here would ever consider it. Do you think the weighty decision to birth a child is a breakable contact?
That if a child doesn’t turn out the way you want them to, all responsibility/ connection can be shirked?
That you aren’t causing more damage to an already discouraged person by rejecting them?
That it’s not a self-serving act?
That their behavior is a reflection on you?
That the solution to contented living doesn’t involve learning how to accept responsibility in spite of its possible unpleasant challenges?
Fie on you! The easy way out of a lifetime choice.
(Wow. I’m pretty passionate about this one. Guess I see too many people these days walking out of important situations that, with some effort at learning to adjust to people’s otherness, could be resolved with time, patience and a little human kindness and tolerance. It’s a pretty tough on maintaining a healthy society.)
I know of a kid that stole from her parents and lied about them just for revenge. She also got her Dad to turn over his house to her by blackmailing him. She was going to say he sexually abused her and ruin him.
What about a child that would turn in her Mom and Dad into DCYS for neglect because neither would buy her a new car in High School?
I could under certain circumstances. If my child ever tried to blackmail me or dishonor me by lying.
If my child disowned me first I could to protect my own feelings or if they committed a horrible, callous crime against a person for no reason or a hateful reason like bigotry or homophobia.
Can a parent have a relationship with a sociopath child? What if they hate you and wish you dead? I struggle with this as a Christian. My friends adopted a couple of girls with these issues and she had to return them to the system. They were just too toxic for her and her husband to handle. They were both abused children when they were adopted. They lied, they stole and they blackmailed.
It was hard to watch and I stand by her decision to break all ties. It was very difficult to end the adoptive process. One went into a mental hospital and a group home but the other tried to destroy her and her husband.
