If someone was genuinely remorseful and actively working to change their behavior, there isn’t much I wouldn’t forgive. But forgiving someone doesn’t mean putting yourself in a position to be taken advantage of again.
A very good question from the OP.
If the friend was prepared to open up and discuss what his needs, as opposed to wants, were and perhaps reflect on his priorities have become, (clothing for heavens sake), then I’d extend the hand of friendship.
I’ve been in both situations, a friend who stole mobile phones, cash, cameras etc. Not once but on several occasions. First time call me a fool and so on. An alcoholic and crack user receiving benefits. London has professionals to resolve his problems.
Second, and current friend, would borrow from my pocket change when we shared an apartment. I counted out the notes and short change, about £50 20 years ago, and left a total and an in/out column no blame but a point that if he did take I could easily count how much and that I was prepared to trust him with my cash. No bloody cheque books though!
If you can’t, won’t, use a Bank put your cash in an envelope and write down the running total and the reason for which you’re saving it on the outside.
I hope this helps a little?
Peter
Very well put, and not nearly as wordy as me. You win!
I had a friend borrow $50 from me recently. He had no job or money and needed it. Well, he got a job but he still hasn’t paid me back. He also has a substance abuse problem and instead of paying me back, he goes out and buys pills.
I have repeatedly asked him when he intends to pay me back. I’ve given him chance after chance. He just won’t do it for some reason. What that tells me, is that I’m not worth $50 to the guy. Our friendship is not worth $50. I’ve even said this to him and he still hasn’t paid me back.
So, Stuart, since he did pay you back, I do think that’s a good sign. Perhaps, he had an error in judgement and has learned a good lesson here. I think he is worthy of a second chance.
Sudden-onset cheating that is out of vastly out of well-established character, then? Has anyone here ever seen that when there wasn’t substance abuse?
This is pretty much what I was going to say. Forgive, yes. Trust, no.
Can you really have a friendship without trust? I don’t think so.
I never loan money to friends or family with the expectation of getting it back. If I cannot afford to lose the money, I don’t lend it: it takes the pressure off me to be hankering after the repayment, and in most cases the money comes back (sometimes later rather than sooner), but it IS returned.
Re the OP, if you hadn’t confronted him with the bogus CCTV claim, do you think he would have admitted taking the money? Did he think you wouldn’t notice it missing? Was he intending to reinstate the $ bit by bit before you did notice??
It sounds quite bizarre to me. I think (lacking other details) that I’d go with Manda Jo’s explanation, and start locking up your valuables. Mind you, if I didn’t trust a friend enough to let them have free reign over my home, then I don’t know if I could continue the friendship.
To me, there is no friendship without trust. Someone stealing from me completely destroys that trust. Yes, maybe we can be civil if we meet in public, but he’s never getting in my house again.
J.
Thank you all for your responses I’m finding them all incredibly helpful. I’ve tried speaking to one of my other closest mates about this and he has basically told me to never speak to him again and name and shame him for what his done, and although thats his opinion and I have to respect it, I think his too stubborn and set in his ways to understand the magnitude of the incident and I’m finding it very useful to get different opinions.
If truth be told I think I have made my mind up and I know I am repeating myself, But I truly believe that in life everybody makes mistakes, and most people deserve a second chance.
I am definetley never going to allow this individual in my house again, that door is well and truly closed, But I would like to go out for a beer and try and discuss what happened, I think this person may need somebody to talk to, He may even need some sort of help… Lifes to short to hold grudges.
I certainly dont believe he has substance problems although I understand why that assumption is being made, But I have know him long enough to know that he isnt on anything, he cant even smoke a cigarette properly.
Perhaps you can’t have a proper freindship without trust which has been pointed out, Not really something I can argue or disagree with, Suppose what will be will be.
No not in a million years would he have admitted taking the money, As the money was in notes and coins Im guessin he was hoping I wouldnt notice, I brought a safe straight after the incident and all valuables are locked away now, I suppose it was a good life lesson.
I suppose desperation and greed simply brings out the worst in some people.
Well good for you! Compassionate yet reasonable.
In the future, who knows?
Congratulations on being a nice person.
But the thing is, buying new clothes with the money is not really indicating ‘desperation’. Sure, if he was behind in bills, I would expect he would perhaps ask if he could ‘borrow’ the money to get him out of a tight spot, but not stealing it from a mate.
There is something more happening here. I suggest taking him out for a pint and try to get to the bottom of it (the story, not the pint!) People do make mistakes, but this one is pretty damned serious…
But goodonya for trying to make good of a bad situation. I hope you get the answers you’re looking for.
Yes. In a situation quite similar to this (except the thief was living in the house, rent free, while he was saving up).
At least, if there were substance abuse issues, he’s been hiding them exceptionally well- it’s now two years later, he seems fine, and I’ve heard not even a rumour of any further incidents.
I think it depends. I’ve had friendships ruined by theft, but it was never about the money, it was about the violation of trust. Really, I have no problem forgiving people for most ways they may wrong me, but it’s a question of what capacity you think you can trust that person again in the future. There’s a difference between forgiving and pretending like it never happened.
Speaking for myself, if someone stole from me and later confessed without me having to confront him and perhaps had some sort of story to back it up, that might be reparable. If, however, I had to come to him, there’s probably little hope of the friendship recovering. Maybe hang out or whatever, no hard feelings when I’d forgiven, but wouldn’t let that person around my stuff unattended anymore.
In this particular situation given by the OP, that you thought it was him without any proof and were compelled to lie to him to get him to confess meant you already didn’t really trust him. And that he needed to think he was actually caught to confess to you, meant that he wasn’t really trustworthy either. I wouldn’t trust anyone who needed to be coerced into confessing. I wouldn’t hold any hard feelings though, forgive, and move on.
Appologies ahead of time if the following lacks clarity, having unusually bad brain trouble today.
As one of our dear leaders once tried desperately (and unsuccessfully) to say, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
You’re right in that life is too short to hold grudges–very insightful for 26. If you’re willing to believe you’re going to be in 20 years the same person you are today then go ahead and maybe forgive but never forget. If he is otherwise useful as a friend and companion, by all means forgive, and forget over time. That act may get you victimized further, or it may be the hand up to the higher ground (“You’re better than that and I know it, you should too.”) that buys you unbreakable loyalty.
I’m not proud to admit I don’t count myself at 26 very much a man of character, but I was learning. At that age I was once confronted by someone witnessing me lie to someone else with, “How dare you…” and I was stunned and disgusted. I put lying behind me because of that very event. Honest. I can’t say whether or not I’d have stolen from a friend at that age but I’m almost certain I did sometime between 20-26. At 46 I can say I’d sooner set myself on fire than steal from a stranger or friend. I grew up sometime in between.
Pretty much where I stand.
I might be civil with them in other venues after restitution has been made, but I would never again consider them a ‘friend’.
Excellent advice here. Any money that I lend I assume to be a gift until proven otherwise. It makes things easier for everybody.
Regarding the OP, sorry, I’ve no clue how I would react. However, he seems to be bent on forgiving, so it must fit his personality and I assume he can make it work.
You will be very, very sorry.
- Just because you’re buying him a pint doesn’t mean that he wants to undergo your interrogation as to what happened. And, if he puts up with it, he is a bigger a**hole than you think, with a substantial screw loose, so you’d better watch out doubly.
- He doesn’t have his admission to the theft ‘in his credit’, because he was busted and you told him you had him on CCTV, and he ‘basically’ admitted it.
- He bought clothes??? You need a car, and he wants to go stylin’ down at the Strand.
- Your ‘best mate’ is dead. This person is in his place.
- Your friend doesn’t think very much of you. That’s the bottom line.
I can’t imagine ever being civil to the thief, and he’d likely avoid me once he realized I’d shared the story with any mutual acquaintances.