I’m hoping to receive some good, honest advice from you all regarding an incident that happened to me several months ago, I will try and cut a long story short.
I have been saving for a car for a while now and had stashed away in my bed- room roughly around £900. My best freind since I was about 4 (Im 26 now) knew that I had money saved up and one night decided to take around £550 from the jar it was stashed in (I found out when I went to count my money one morning and discovered the chunck had disapeared). Now although I had no concrete evidence that it was him, I told him he had been caught on CCTV and he basically confessed. Now in his credit he has paid off nearly all the money he owes me and I belive that he is truly sorry for what he did and he does try to make contact with me regularly to go out for a drink.
Now at first all I wanted to do was kick his head in, but as the months have gone by and I’ve had time to truly reflect on what happened, I’m trying to bring myself to ask him to come out for a pint to discuss what happened, how to move on, and how to put it in the past. But then I just keep thinking about what he did and how his greed ruined such a good, close freindship. I really, really want to forgive him as (this sounds cheesy) I do miss my best mate, and although he would never be welcome in my home again, I believe everybody deserves a second chance.
My question to you is, Could you forgive your closest freind/partner/family member if they did something like this to you? And has anybody ever experienced anything similar to this before?
I would never trust someone who stole from me, especially if they knew me. I recently had a brand new camera and expensive buck knife stolen from me and I know who did it but can’t prove it. That person will never step foot on my property again. Thieves have a serious character flaw and the fact they would steal from a friend is an additional character flaw in my eyes.
Honestly, the only people I have ever heard of doing something like that either had a serious substance abuse problem, were under 10, or were absolutely horrible people who did not think what they did was really wrong and that anyone would do so, if given the chance.
Funny how youngsters might experiment with stealing. I did, my daughter did. We both decided it didn’t feel good. I have to wonder what made the experience feel good to someone who becomes a thief.
My brother stole plenty from me when he was a drug addict. I forgave him, because in the end it’s only money/stuff. I was incredibly upset about it at the time, but time passes, even the most drugfucked junkies can and do reform on occasion, and people who imagine that any slight upon themselves is an unforgivable sin are, in the end, the real losers here.
Well, whats frustrating is that he is/was an actual half decent guy. He hasn’t had a job in around 4 years though and I suspect may be in quite serious debt which would explain the theft. I wouldn’t know if he is stealing from anybody else and he did tell me had bills to pay (who doesn’t) But im really hoping that it was just a one off moment of madness.
As I said I do belive everybody deserves a second chance, I know i’ve made mistakes in life and would want to be forgiven.
I guess the only thing that would make me hesitant to forgive would be the “basically confessed” part; a genuine confession, explanation, and apology would make me more inclined to forgive. If he was genuinely destitute, and had ASKED for a LOAN, you might well have been willing to help him - I’ve helped a friend with large amounts of cash while I was, myself unemployed (raided my retirement fund to do so, in fact). Had he taken the money without my consent, the SOB would’ve had more than his head kicked in.
It sounds like you’re inclined to resume friendly relations with this guy. If you choose to do so, I would make it very clear that you don’t trust him as you once did. Normally, trust begets trustworthiness but he exploited that. All of my friends know that if they need a beer and I’m not home, they’re welcome to just walk in and raid my refrigerator. But there’s usually a few $1 or $5 bills laying about on the counter. I know it’s there, and if it goes missing and I’m convinced that a particular friend took it, they’ll never step foot in my home again without being escorted.
I could forgive, once the money was paid back, but I could never allow myself to trust a person like that again. I’d drink beer with that person. I’d hang out with them and go places with them. I would never leave money where they could get at it and I’d always check my wallet when they were around.
He has apologised more then once in his credit, although I haven’t had much of an explanation, I belive the money was used to pay debts and buy himself new clothes. I will be seeking an explanation as I would of borrowed the money had he of asked. I am a freindly, approachable guy and not short of a few quid, So what does anger me is that he robbed out of greed.
He most certainly would not be welcome in my home again thats 100%, But, I believe over time maybe he could earn that trust back?? I dunno, As I said he really was a good guy and it was totally out of character.
**and people who imagine that any slight upon themselves is an unforgivable sin are, in the end, the real losers here. **
Though it’s nice that you want a feel for what others think it seems clear you are capable of forgiving, so the real question is “Do you want to?”
It seems like you do so go ahead and do it. You sound like a nice person with a steady head. Sounds like you are as or more capable of making a good decision than a bunch of internet strangers.
In the end you may discover a lifelong friendship has been forged, that each of you has grown greater for the event, and the world is a better place. Or you might get ripped off again.
Can’t tell you which.
I can say in the past I have had disagreements with people which did not seem trivial at all (an aside - today I can’t even remember the nature of the problem or who was truly at fault; could have been me), and did bring me to completely ignore them for a long time, yet today I count them as some of my most valuable friends.
If you are really worried, hide your money elsewhere. Beyond that what’s the harm in giving a person a chance?
Ditto. As I see it, the whole question depends on the extent to which you believe that his apology is sincere. If you really believe that he is sincere, then he is essentially not the same person as the one who stole, and there’s no reason not to go back to being best mates.
I know there are some here who will disagree with me, and point to the possibility of relapsing into criminal behavior. That is exactly why I am making my advice contingent on the OP’s belief that the apology was sincere and that it will not happen again. Granted that it might happen anyway, just as it did happen a first time. But that only means that we (including the OP) are imperfect humans, and what a shame it would be if that small possibility were allowed to interfere with a good friendship.
Forgive? Yes. Forget? Never! A lot about friendship is built on trust. I’d have trouble trusting someone who stole from me. Therefore the friendship would stay seriously damaged for a long, long time.
Sure. But how many people do you know that are generally pretty good people except they up and stole a large chunk of cash from a good friend and could not give a better reason for it than “debt” and who do NOT have substance abuse problems?
Saying “Nice people who suddenly steal from good friends generally have substance abuse problems” is not at all equal to saying “People with substance abuse problems generally steal from good friends”.