I would appreciate insight and thoughts on what appears to be a simple couple issue:
[ul]
[li]One of you has a problem - could be trivial like an issue with your phone bill or a big deal, like deciding what to do with your life. [/li][li]The Problem-Haver starts to describe the problem - let’s assume they are NOT taking too long - a minute or two to provide background and vent a bit.[/li][li]In the middle of that debrief, the Partner interrupts with an idea for a solution or an action to take. Let’s say it is a great idea in this example and maybe even an offer to help out.[/li][li]The Problem-Haver gets upset and says “don’t interrupt me!” and wants to clarify that it is NOT okay to interrupt. They want to hear their Partner’s idea, but want to feel listened to first and they don’t feel they’ve said everyting - they could add additional information that will help solve the problem. Getting interrupted feels like a big deal to this person. [/li][li]The Partner shuts down - they feel yelled at, especially after coming up with a great idea and offering to help out - and they feel like the Problem-Haver is acting like a big baby. Their POV: Fine, agreed, one should not interrupt - but that’s a minor social infraction and, more importantly, there’s a problem with an obvious solution - be happy and move forward, taking advantage of the Partner’s input. [/li][/ul]
So - while both parties have good intentions, they end up shut down and not talking. I don’t know if this is as simple as “who’s right?” - it is more “how can they best get on the same page?” How important is it to respect the need to not interrupt - especially if the solution is right there as the person is talking?
If time is of the essence - can’t shut off the faucet, smell of gas in the house, computer appears to be undergoing a hacker takeover/file wipe - then interrupt. Otherwise, shut up and listen. At an appropriate pause, it’s ok to volunteer that you think you have a solution when the other person is ready for it, then continue to shut up/commiserate.
The couple also needs to discuss what appears to be basic feelings of not being respected, on both sides. Problem-Haver hates being interrupted, and may feel that this is merely part of a pattern that Partner does frequently, or may have had many people in the past (family, ex’es, etc.) not listen well and is thus super-sensitive on the topic. Partner may feel that Problem-Haver uses being wronged as a way to harangue Partner beyond what is appropriate per Partner’s perception of the situation.
It is never a case of “who’s right”. That is the number one thing to remember.
It is of utmost importance to respect the needs\feelings of the person having the issue. If they do not like to be interrupted, then don’t interrupt. Personally, I have done a lot of work around communicating, and it has as much to do with the state of mind of the ‘speaker’ as it does with the substance of what they are talking about as to whether or not they are in a place to receive feedback.
In this situation, it does zero good to interrupt because the problem-haver may NEED to get it all out, to name it, before they want to hear anything from the choir.
I’d set-up rules to abide by before conversations, and eventually you and problem-haver will grow to be on the same page…hopefully. One ought not ever assume to know what is going on in anothers head…
Interrupting solution guy must learn that this woman talks to him because she trusts him. Trusts him to listen to her vent while being sympathetic but without offering advice unless asked directly.
The fact that she is laying all this stuff on you is a compliment.
Shut up and listen! Why does anyone feel the need to interrupt?
I am guessing it is the woman talking and the man interrupting. IME, and this might not always stand, women often want to vent and men want to be problem-solvers.
How does this sound to you?
“I find this really annoying because-”
“Well, just do this and it’ll fix it.”
‘This’ may very well solve the problem but it doesn’t change the fact that you did not hear my ‘because’! Then you can give me solutions.
If the situation is anything short of “hey, this building is on fire and I don’t know where the exit is,” don’t interrupt, it doesn’t matter how obvious the solution seems to you.
As a tool, however, one thing I have learned to do is to start conversations with Recidivist Solution-Pushers with “I am not looking for a solution at this point” so that it is clear that I’m not looking for a solution, and then “do you have any suggestions?” when this changes to wanting suggestions.
I appreciate your deductions - and yeah, they tie to standard “women want empathy; men jump to action” stereotypes. But please note that I did NOT indicate which party I am in this - for this very reason. I don’t want to bias the inputs, either because “I’m the guy” or because I am a Doper looking for fellow Dopers to help me defend my position. And, for what it is worth, some of your assumptions aren’t correct in this situation
I very much like the idea not of conversing, but facilitating. When you interrupt with a solution, you’re basically saying “Your problem is trivial and you have no right to complain.” Facilitating creates a safe space for the other person to be heard and validated.
As men, who are solution-oriented, we sometimes forget how much other people, especially women, need that safe space. (I hope that didn’t come off as sexist, but I see the truth of it more and more.)
Interrupting is always rude. Always, unless the aforementioned house-on-fire situation pertains. Doesn’t matter the gender of the speakers, the stereotype to which they may or may not adhere, etc.
Anyway, sometimes the solution offered may not be the RIGHT solution because the solution offerer hasn’t yet heard the whole story. Major facts may not have been divulged, or there may be nuances that would alter the solution.
I’ve run across this problem in the typical man/woman communication style problem. Not just with presenting a problem or “venting” but simply in conversation. A long time ago I developed my “three time rule” with a certain man, and I’ve employed it with many other times over the years. If I’m talking and am interrupted, I try again. If interrupted again, I’ll try to continue. Interrupt me a third time? I just stop. And I have never, ever, EVER had a man notice and say, “I’m sorry, what were you saying?”
Partner: “Do you want me to just sit and listen because you’re venting, or are you looking for help to brainstorm a solution?”
Problem Haver: [Says which they want.]
Partner: [obliges]
Is that so difficult?
I have a girlfriend who does that with her mom. She and I started doing it for each other. We start by asking for the other person’s time, “Hey, I need to talk this through…” And the listener should ASK if it’s not clear.
This way the listener doesn’t get offended when the Problem Haver doesn’t take up their well-intentioned advice. And the Problem Haver doesn’t have to get pissed off when he or she feels like he or she isn’t being heard.
Sometimes, I just need someone to listen while I talk it through for myself. Sometimes, I want help brainstorming a solution. I tend to tell people up front which it is I’m after, precisely to avoid the drama laid out in the OP.
Now, if we could solve the problem of my BF listening to me for a while, and then seizing on one tiny irrelevant detail and interrupting me to go off on a tangent to rant about whatever it is that bothered him about that tiny irrelevant detail (thus, no longer listening to me and making me feel like I should just shut up before I’m finished talking)… then I’m all ears. I think I might have to just shut that shit down and say something like, “Yes, dear, I know that fat people blocking the aisles in grocery stores fills you with white-hot livid rage. However, that’s not what I’m talking about right now and I was hoping you’d listen to my whole story before you went off on this. Because now I feel like you’re not really paying attention to what I’m saying. If this story is boring to you, I can vent to someone else. Are you bored? Maybe we should talk about fat people blocking the aisles in the grocery store…”
Not only is interrupting rude in itself, but “solving” the problem before it is even stated is, in effect, telling the other person that you are so contemptuous of their ability to solve their own problems that you assume they haven’t thought of the first obvious thing that springs to mind as they start to talk. I don’t do that to my three-year-old, let alone a grown-up that I have a relationship with.
That would certainly be the way to bet, but it’s not a given.
My older sister is a civil engineer. And engineering isn’t just what she does, it’s a good part of what she is. If you share a problem with her, empathy ain’t her thing; she wants to solve it, fix it, figure out the best course of action. I love her dearly, but after 50+ years of being this way, I’m not expecting her to change. If I just want a listening ear, I’d have better odds with a random stranger on the street.
I really think that there is clear-cut “who’s right” in these situations. What is the problem-haver actually doing? They are telling their partner about the problem. Asking for suggestions may arise in the course of the interaction, but if someone is trying to tell their partner something, their partner should listen. It’s a bit of a cliche in relationships that men view interactions like this as a direct invitation to solve the problem, and that women view them as a attempt to share something that is bothering them. I think what the problem-haver is looking for is the time to get to the end of the narrative and then to have the option of asking “what do you think I should do?” or not. The partner is depriving the problem-haver of the opportunity to do that. The problem-have may even already have a solution in mind. It may even be what the partner interrupted to suggest.
Think of how it works best in work situations, like when a subordinate comes to his supervisor with a problem. A good boss, IMO, would listen to the whole story, hoping that the subordinate would end the narrative with a proposed solution or two. If the subordinate ends without proposing a solution, I think a good boss would ask “what do you think we should do?”
Upon reflection, I think I should also recognize that it is possible the Problem-Haver is annoying the pants off of the Solution-Giver.
It’s hard to put a number on these things, but let’s just say ballpark-
3 minutes is probably reasonable to rant about why the phone company sucks
30 minutes is probably reasonable for a rant on why your mother is working your last nerve
A 30 minute rant on the phone company without soliciting the opinion of the Solution-Giver (either explicitly or implicitly, though pauses or whatever) is probably too much.
30 minutes ranting about your mother is reasonable, but I don’t think a 30 minute mother rant EVERY DAY is reasonable. At some point, it’s got to be okay for the partner to start communicating that it’s neither productive nor pleasant to be on the receiving end of that. That’s beyond “being supportive.” Obviously, that threshold will move around depending on the personalities and the situation.
I once called my sister because I was trying to deal with some emotional shit that I was going through. She took one little thing that I mentioned and went off on a tangent about it, then went on a completely different tangent about how adorable her kids were.
I love my sister and agree that my nieces are adorable, but what I got out of that conversation was that my problems aren’t even worth discussing.
Yep - I tried to make it clear in the OP that the length of “debrief and vent” time is proportional to the issue and not really a central issue here. The Partner/Problem-Solver doesn’t complain that the Problem-Haver is just whining…
Always listen. Your partner may be about to tell you that he tried/thought of the obvious solution and it didn’t work for such-and-such a reason, and it’s frustrating to deal with someone who jumps in with something without giving him the chance to explain that. Or, like you said in the OP, perhaps all the information hasn’t been presented yet which might change the way the listener looks at the problem.
(At least, that’s what my husband says. Another example of breaking the male/female stereotype. It happens the other way too, yes, but my husband is actually a bit better about waiting and thinking about it some before offering his opinion than I am.)
