Confessing can be very selfish if the function is to basically make it the other person’s problem, to put the burden on them to decide whether or not to forgive you. It’s saying “I fucked up. You deal with it”. It may still be the best thing to do–I really think that depends on the couple–but it really puts all the pressure on the victem. Confession, once it’s over, is a release for the confessor and a weight for the person confessed to. It’s especially bad after a year, when the guilty party can basically be like “that was a long time ago” right from the get-go, and have a bit of a “I didn’t have to tell you, I did, where are my kudos?” angle to it, especally since that also sorta implies “I didn’t have to tell you, you being to stupid to figure it out yourself”. In fact, the more I think about it the more I think confessing after a year is the worst possible way to deal with this–either confess at the time or keep your damn mouth shut. Confessing after a year is the worst of all worlds.
I never said it’s better to lie. Most of the time when someone cheats the husband/wife either has a strong suspicion or confronts the person with some evidence they find like phone numbers, bills, etc. Of course then you have to be honest and either work on the marriage or make a decision about whether or not to stay together.
In this case, the way the OP explained it, the man cheated once or a few times while out of town. The impression I got from reading the post was that the wife didn’t know at all. The husband had an attack of conscience or whatever and just spilled the beans.
If that was the case and his wife was in the dark he ought to seriously consider if telling her is the best thing. He has to know this will deeply hurt someone who really doesn’t deserve being hurt. Was it something he’s so sorry about and will never do again, or is it something he thinks he’ll repeat? Seek professional help to make that decision because there is a strong possibility that it will ruin his marriage forever. It’s not just about him, he has three small children to consider plus a wife that’s loved and trusted him for 8+ years.
Why are we giving her the element of doubt in terms of time with her anger and not giving him doubt in terms of time with his guilt? No doubt if he truly was feeling guilty and knew the kind of sh*tstorm that this would produce, of course he would agonize. His conscience telling him that she had the right to know finally trumped the fear and guilt, and you’re condemning him for it while propping up her equally lengthy period of rage?
As far as I’m concerned, both parties deserve a bit of the blame for the current situation. I’m not “blaming her”, my point is that if there’s something to be done to solve the problem, they have to work at it, and because he’s putting himself more or less at her mercy, it’s within her right (not obligation or him passing guilt) to decide how he has to prove himself. Since the time period in question is relatively long for this sort of thing (I fail to see how 8 months isn’t an unreasonable time period for any offense you intend to forgive or work at forgiving) the suggestion of counseling, working together, and her and his duty in the matter is perfectly reasonable.
I never condemned him for telling–I said it’s a complex question that depends on the couple, and that telling after a year is the cruelest option. Nor did I say that they shouldn’t seek counseling or try to work it out. They are doing those things, and she seems more gung-ho about it than he, since she is the one insisting they go. I was just addressing the idea the guy seems to have that she should be "over it’ by now, at least sexually, and saying that it can take longer than that to move past things. She may well be working at forgiving him, but it isn’t time yet for him to be impatient with her. To some people, this sort of thing feels like a death or a rape, and that can take longer than eight months to move past.
I am on record seven ways to sunday as saying that anyone can leave a relationship any time they want for any reason. If he doesn’t want to live like this, it’s his right to go. But what he can’t do is tell himself that after his single mistake he did everything possible to fix it but his wife wouldn’t give it a chance, because for many people eight months just isn’t long enough to get over a serious blow, especially if it came out of nowhere.
I think the point is that if he really wanted to save his marriage, he would have harbored the guilt and received absolution from his priest or God. Telling her was selfish and cruel. If he was committed to making it work, that is what he should have done. Ended it, lived with the guilt and spend the rest of his life being the husband he should have been. I am reading about her “right” to know. To what end? If he made this terrible mistake, realized it and recommitted to the marriage completely, the wife would have a better husband. Now she has a seed of misery inside her that will fester for the rest of their lives together. All because he needed forgiveness for being a bastard. HIS NEEDS seem to be the only thing that matters to him so she may be better off without him.
I totally disagree with a previous point made that without confession, he will likely do it again. So does that mean he must tell her so she can watch and spy and keep him on the right track so he doesn’t do it again? Who wants a life like that?
I would think that in her mind it isn’t simply imagining him making love to another woman that is making it difficult to forgive him. Yes, of course, there are all the trust issues, but many, many insecurities form after your mate has an affair. Considering the stage of her life, where she’s likely anything but a sex kitten (3 young children can cause young moms to focus less on their appearance); but it is a major rejection of her as his life mate.
I wrestled with issues such as these in my first marriage also. He cheated so often I hardened and didn’t care. I stopped having sex with him and chose to live in the same house and raise our children together until I couldn’t take it anymore. It was a choice I made.
If I can offer any words of advice to the woman in question - it would be to hold on to one key message: a spouse’s cheating is NOT a reflection on you - it is a reflection on THEM. There can be myriad reasons he felt like giving in to the temptation - most of them would have to do with his unhappiness on some level. He needed the “feedback”; things were not exciting at home; he was bored . . . whatever the reason - the problem is his. He had a duty to be honest with you about the underlying issues - and that’s the trust he broke.
Marriage, hell, life, is hard work. We owe it to ourselves and anyone else we bring into our world to be as honest and forthright as humanly possible. I suspect she’ll get the trust back when he is completely honest with her and she’ll forgive him when she can clearly articulate how frightened this foray made her.
She has a right to know so she can decide if she wants to stay married. Or insist that he use condoms.
That’s nothing like what I said. I said guys who don’t confess keep doing it. That has nothing to do with being watched. It has to do with your opinion of what rights your spouse has.
I agree that eight months is not that long to be angry, but the wife is not moving in the direction of forgiveness. She’s reliving the hurt over and over, with the husband’s help.
Really, if we were reading about a husband who insisted on getting intimate details about his wife’s affair for eight months, there would be hundreds of posts saying he should get over it, grow up and stop being a creep. Would anyone seriously disagree?
agreed. It’s not like he demanded forgiveness, he told her so that she would know the full truth, and on the basis of that full disclosure, decide whether to stay with him or not. I agree also that he did it in a poor way, but I discussed that in my previous post.
Also, Manda that post wasn’t intended to specifically address you, I should have made it clearer that that quote was more just a convienant reference quote to make a more generalized post.