So - my husband has been cheating on for 8 months

I posted this earlier under a fake name, because I am/was embarassed and have yet to tell even my closests of friends. It was banned as a second account (which I understand), so I’ve decided to go ahead and post it again under my regular name. I knew there was a reason I should have gone with a more clever user name! :wally :smack:

Here is my original post.


Last night a woman called to tell me that she and my husband have been sleeping together for about 8 months. He travels and I never suspected a thing. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. He admitted to it but only after repeated questioning. He told her he loved her, he told me it was just sex.

I want a divorce and marriage counseling is not an option at this point. If it was a one night thing I could have gotten past it. But a lie of this magnitude I cannot forgive. We have two young kids and I am at a total loss as to what to do.

Any advice? I am posting under a fake name because I am so humiliated.

Nurse Carmen said…I would hope you’d take a stab at counseling for the kids,

The problem I have with this is that I begged him for years to go to counseling. I knew we were drifting apart. He refused and I feel like he is trying to use counseling as a “get out of jail free” card.

John Bck WLD posted…If you’re a good and decent mother, you’ll come around to realize your inability to forgive him will wane as concerns about your children’s future begin surfacing. Your personal feelings of anger and betrayal will eventually take a bact seat to the needs of all 4 people involved.
One of the biggest reasons for my anger is that he chose to have unprotected sex with this woman. Not only could he have gotten her pregnant (she claimed to be on the pill), he could have brought home a disease. This woman isn’t exactly virginal and in this day and age, you never know.

Malkavia posted

divorce (especially w/ children) is never easy and you need to give yourself a little time to recover from the initial “punch” before you launch into legal proceedings.

I was wondering about using a mediator to establish a legal separation. I don’t want to make this a bad divorce because of the kids.

Diogenes posted… I can state from experience that staying together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids is not doing the kids any favors. I used to pray for my folks to split up so i wouldn’t have to listen to the fighting any more. I was relieved when they finally decided to separate. It was the best thing for all of us, not just them.

This actually makes me feel better.

Siddhartha said… But I’m curious about why the skank called you. Had he broken up with her? Was she feeling guilty?

He says he had broken up with her. She said he began seeing another woman and she had began to feel remorseful. :rolleyes:

I read your original post and am very glad you decided to use your account name - I wanted to hear from you. As soon as possible, get yourself to your GYN. Doc may be able to recommend a counselor (for you, the kids… whoever) and as you so wisely said, he did take a risk. Don’t you take one. Get a check up.

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you can resolve it in the way that is best for you and your children. Let me know if you need to chat.

Quicksilver said…Good luck. Email me if you need to talk in private.
I just may do that. I am so lost right now and am trying to give myself a day or two to digest the information.

I will. I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I so ashamed? :frowning:
:frowning:

marymargaret,
a.) That sucks. Some people seem to be able to get older without growing up, and your future ex-husband appears to be one of them. Even if you drove your husband away from you (and I’m NOT saying this is the case), a grown man would have sought a divorce BEFORE starting another relationship. It’s called integity.

b.) Counseling and divorce are not mutually exclusive. Kick the bum out and get counseling for you and your children to help everyone adjust and move on. Help your children not to hate or blame their father, but to pity him for his lack of adult development.

c.) Call up the bitchwhoreslut and tell her “You wanted him, you got him. By the way, you do know he is a proven liar and adulterer don’t you? Good luck with that.”

d.) Contact a lawyer and take the cheating bastard to the cleaners. He wanted one woman to take care of his home and children and another one to sleep around with? FIne. Now it’s time to pay the bill.

Life is too short to put up with crap like that. I recommend that you don’t.

Because you feel like his cheating is a reflection of the fact that you weren’t a good enough wife, and that if you’d been better, he wouldn’t have cheated. And you probably feel dumb for not knowing what he was doing for so long.

Guess what? He made the decision to cheat, so that’s not on your shoulders. And maybe there were hints, but I guess you trusted him. That turned out to be a mistake, but not one you should be ashamed of.

That is exactly how I feel. Like a stupid fool and the fact that this woman droned on and on about my children, my husband, and their sexpecades - while I knew or suspected nothing. Why did I listen so long? I was dumbstruck out of a dead sleep and felt like I was living in some sort of alternate universe. I should have hung up after I realized what she was saying, but for some reason I stayed on the line thinking to myself Is this my life she is talking about ? I kept waiting for the punchline, and know I feel like I am the punchline.

I can’t tell you how to feel, and I won’t. But your perspective will change with time, so I’m just saying, try not to be too hard on yourself to the extent that you can help it. Your mistakes here were mild compared to his. You trusted him, which makes sense since you married him. Having your trust violated hurts and really sucks, makes you feel very dumb, but he lied to you and cheated on you. He didn’t live up to your trust. That’s a lot worse. Just something to keep in mind.

marymargaret I’m sorry, if my earlier post sounded like I thought you were to blame. It wasn’t what I meant at all.
I simply meant, that people come up with the stupidest reasons why they think they should cheat. And if I were in your place AND there were no other issues, I would want to find out what he thought gave him the right to do that to me.

But,

After reading your replies in this thread, and understanding more of your past issues with him, I take back what I said in the other thread. I did say “assuming there are no other issues”, but obviously there are.

You need to get him out of your life.

marymargret – thanks for being honest with us. I understand why you did the fake name thing – and respect your honesty in reposting under your own name. That took a hell of a lot of guts. To be honest, it’s a name I recognize from our encounters over in Cafe Society – but that just increases my sympathy, because when I see your name, I think “oh, right, I like her.”

Anyway, I’ve never been married, and I don’t have kids, so I can’t offer helpful advice there – but I have been cheated on (once in our apartment while I was there and asleep – asshole), and I know the pain is unbelievable. So all I’ve got for you is a hug – but it’s a hug for you, not just “some chick having marital problems.”

{{{marymargaret}}}

Recently I was an adult leader on a church mission trip. I had six teenage girls in my car for hours. They talked about boys, basketball, Teen People. music, school, God, and their parents. A few of their parents are divorced. They asked one girl who had just joined the Youth Group ‘Are your parents divorced?’ She answered 'No, but they should be.'

Your post didn’t make me feel like that.

I am just so lost and don’t want to open up to friends and family until I have had some time to sort through this. That’s why I posted such a private matter on a public board. I was and still am hoping for the brutal honesty that strangers can give. With friends and family there is much self-editing involved.

Thank you. :slight_smile:

I also meant to ask (I’m just asking for generalities not expert legal advice) can anybody tell me what the difference is between a legal separation and divorce? Is a legal separation the first step to a divorce? Are they legally binding?

A legal separation is just that - the parties live apart but cannot remarry.