So - my husband has been cheating on for 8 months

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Ooh, I hate that. He gets caught doing something he should never have done and now he’s spinning it so he’s the victim and he needs help? Now he’s willing to go to counseling? Too little, too late.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My best advice for you is to get a good lawyer who can advise you of your rights and how to best protect yourself, your assets and provide for your children. You don’t need to be unfair but you do need to protect your interests.

Please make sure that the children know that it’s not about them. I’d also like to advise that they’re way too young to know about daddy’s little fling. Even though you might feel the urge to make sure they know it’s his fault, resist that. They really don’t need to be in the middle of this at all. If they’re loved by both of you and given information that is age appropriate, they’ll do fine. If they’re school aged the guidance office at school might have a divorce group for kids. My daughter attended one when her father and I split and it helped her quite a bit.

Oh and I second the recommendation for a check up. Have them check for all the known STDs. You don’t know what he’s brought home. If he’s sleeping with you and sleeping with her then you’ve been, in essence, sleeping with all of her other partners.

One more thing (who knew I had this much advice) Start keeping a journal of events and conversations. It may come in handy later if things get messy. Right know you’re in a very emotional situation and it’ll be hard to remember later who said what or what was done when.

Good luck.

22

Note, IANAL.

First off, kick him out. He can live with Slut. You will find you will think a lot more clearly without him around the house, or waiting for him to come home, wondering where he is.

Second, get your sweet self to a lawyer and nail down the child support NOW. Actually, since I’m posting this on a Saturday that won’t be very practical, but 9am Monday morning better find you sitting in some attorney’s lobby.

Third, if you do decide divorce is what you want, then you will need to stop posting about it here. Og forbid his lawyer finds something that can be used against you. Don’t fret, we’ll be here for you when you’ve shed some of that dead weight.

Fourth, you are stronger than you know. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Instead of trying to work out his problems with you, he decided to stick it to someone else. Worse (I think) he talked about you with her. Wouldn’t it have been better to talk about you with you?

Fifth, and I cannot stress this enough, under no circumstances are you to talk, meet with, see, spy on, or in any way have any contact with Slut.

Sixth, he doesn’t get to take the kids ANYWHERE. He can visit at your home with them, but do you want to run the risk of of him taking them to the park where…“Why, fancy seeing you here! Kids, this is Daddy’s new friend.”

You can do this. The longer you wallow in Woe is Me and What Did I Do Wrong and How Did I Not See This Coming merely delays the day where you can start to fix things.

Now is the time to protect you, your kids, and your welfare. Get mad. The grieving can come later. Be Mama Bear. You have work to do.

23

Lemme get this straight. He’s cheating on you, he dumps her for yet another woman, and he has the cajones to tell you this? Holy crap! There’s nothing I can say to you that would be reasonable because I’m not you and all that. Know that you have my sympathy as a fellow cuckold (not sure what you’d be, it’s a male term as far as I know) and that even after long and thorough discussions with my ex, I still don’t understand infidelity. She’s gone into wonderful detail for me about where she was at mentally, emotionally, etc. And I can see that she had every reason to feel like the marriage was dead. But Infidelity is so tremendously disrespectful–that’s what I never understood, how you could get to the point where you simply don’t give a shit about someone else’s emotions. Boggles the mind.

I’ve got an saga in MPSIMS from earlier in the year which serves as a sort of mental map of someone (me) who is all too willing to forgive and accept blame for a cheating spouse. I suggest you feel humiliated because you feel you are somehow not worthy of fidelity and respect since someone you loved and respected treated you like trash. You can work your way through that maze logically and know exactly what’s right and wrong, but your heart still bleeds and you blame yourself. It’s truly a horrible way to treat another person.

There’s a post in another thread currently…has to do with finding condoms…that mocks people who are concerned about a spouse’s fidelity. “Sexual possessiveness” he refers to it as. That’s bullshit IMO, infidelity is not about sex, infidelity starts before the first extramarital kiss. It starts when you no longer care enough about your spouse to deprive yourself of something you’ve agreed not to do. Sex is only part of it, the rest involves emotional intimacy, taking someone else into confidence reserved for the person who is the designated spouse…all that. The cuckold is seen as “necessary” but unwanted. Like insurance premiums or utility bills or tampons or whatever. He’s seen you as this sort of trash for a long time, he may still be fond of you, but you should not be married. Not given the info you’ve posted. Yeah, a passing indiscretion is worthy of forgiveness if the perp is truly contrite. But your guy was going out with another homewrecker. It’s not an indiscretion anymore, it’s a hobby. Your role as far as he is concerned is care provider for his offspring and a cum dumpster for when he can’t get laid by someone else. Have at him, says I.

24

He didn’t tell me until he was pressed. The first one called me and said he was stalking her and seeing another woman. My husband swears that he broke it off with her 3 weeks ago and that is why she called me.

Who knows what the truth is.

25

I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. :frowning:

Your husband sounds like scum.

A one night stand might – just perhaps might – be forgiveable if he went down on his hands and knees AND sought counseling AND swore to never to do it again AND called you twice an hour for the next six months to prove he isn’t fucking around again.

Eight months of cheating is totally inexcusable.

If I were you I would get my affairs in order and then get the quickest divorce you can find.

26

It’s always the innocent person who gets hurt the worst in these situations, not fair at all.

Few years ago my g/f was sleeping with some guy on the nights she wasn’t sleeping with me. I couldn’t figure out why she would wash her sheets every other day–in my washer and dryer no less. I thought she was just a very clean person. I found out and we talked and I took her back and tried to make it work, but it wasn’t possible. But that was just me, I’m sure some people can. It was for the best for us. Good luck with what you choose, and hopefully there won’t be too much more pain.

hugs from cheeseland.

27

MaryMargaret, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing now.

Find a lawyer and discuss your options. I don’t know anything about your circumstances (e.g. do you work? do you have health insurance? what are housing costs in your area? is your state a ‘no-fault’ state?) and it’s important you get information from someone who knows the laws in your state and will be your advocate.

Good luck to you.

P.S. If it’s any consolation, your husband may be very upset at his lover for calling you. A lot of men like the idea of an affair until it affects their family, as odd as that sounds. Secrecy and sneaking around are part of the thrill. Now that she’s exposed their affair, she’s not only publicly exposed him for his lies, but she’s hurt his family, including his children. (That’s probably why he’s so agreeable to counseling now. Because he wants to restore the respect he’s lost.)

It’s not your concern, but even if they end up together, do they have a foundation for anything permanent and worthy? No. And the other woman knows it. How pathetic is that?

28

Oh, dear. I don’t know if I have any words for this.

I am so sorry. You must feel like you’ve been kicked in the teeth and left for dead.
I also suggest counselling–oh, not couples, but for you. If you belong to a church, they often have lists of decent therapists. You want a licensed one, btw. You need a safe place to rant and scream and cry and talk–enter licensed therapist.

I know you will tell your friends soon–be prepared for gossip and speculation and also FEAR from other women (they think that infidelity is catching). I know this from a friend of mine whose husband cheated. Some knew about it (but never said anything), most didn’t (not saying that your friends know)–but when it became public–some people shunned her like the plague. Victim’s taint and all that. Stupid and moronic, but it is there. I hope you have a few very close friends who can be allies and supportive.

May I suggest a mediator(for you and husband)? That might help in divvying up stuff–but always have the mediated agreeement reviewed by a lawyer. A good mediator will insist on an attorney’s review upfront.

As for husband–let him stew. Poor baby can’t get it coming or going, now, eh? Too bad, so sad. What goes around, comes around.

If this were me, I would be angered and threatened by the sex, but enraged and bitter over the emotional infidelity–and IMO, that will take longer to get over.

And yep-you need to stop posting about it here. Attorney is a synonym for shark and there are no rules of decency in divorce court.

And lastly, the kids. No matter what you feel about your spouse–he is their father. I will tell you something that I wish someone had told my parents long ago when they went thru their separation and divorce ( the process lasted 6 years and they got remarried to each other 7 years after that and they didn’t learn a thing in the interim). “When you disrespect the other parent, you shame the child.”

Spouse is a no-good ass, but Jr is not, nor is Daughter–and both need a Daddy. This is the hardest thing of all-to be civil and respectful about the spouse to them when spouse has treated you like yesterday’s newspaper.

I wish you all the best. I think that sadly I am headed in the same direction as you-I just lack courage (and haven’t gotten a phone call from a woman I don’t know).

29

Thank you all for your advice. The kindness of “strangers” is very comforting. I am going to heed the advice of many of you and post no more details in case it would come back to haunt me in some way.

The irony of the fact that **I ** have to worry about what I say is beyond ridiculous, but I understand and agree with those of you who advised it.
Thank you and may karma rule.

30

Amen!

31

Lawyer (not yours) checking in. What follows is not legal advice, but common sense: when you find your own lawyer, let him or her know that you have posted here, and offer to print out this thread for him or her to see. Let your attorney, who will be familiar with the laws of your jurisdiction, as well as the customs in the legal community where you are, guide you about your future conduct.

I’m not saying it’s a bad idea to stop posting here; I am saying that, because you’re concerned about potential legal repercussions of posting here, you should make your lawyer aware of the situation so that you can get legal advice tailored to your particular situation.

Beyond that, best of luck as you go through this.

32

Man checking in (not yours). From this quote:

It sounds like you marriage has been on the decline for years. Now I know that no one likes to be cheated on but people often stick together much longer than they should in hopes of “making it work” or whatever. Yes, cheating on your wife is a dick move, especially havning unprotected sex, and I won’t defend that. But men cheat for different reasons:

-They screw up - You get a little to drunk on a business trip or something and one thing leads to another. It’s a mistake they never intend to let happen again. Best thing here is just deny deny deny, live with your guilt, and pretend it never happened and never do it again.

-The can - These are jackass guys that care little for marriage. They want an MOC while they continue to go out and hook up like they were still single.

-The find someone else - Basically these are guys who are stuck in loveless marriages. One day they meet someone who meets their needs in ways their existing partner doesn’t. Next thing you know they are in two relationships at the same time. For the most part, it’s not like they are assholes. They just lack the self confidence to break off what they have (even if it sucks), have the side action fall apart and be left with nothing.

Any of these guys sound like a great catch to you? Didn’t think so. My expert advice - he doesn’t like you anymore, you don’t like him, mend your bruised ego, get the divorce over with as soon as possible and find some other guy.

33

I agree with this totally. I think I would be as hurt by my husband having an online affair as I would with him having a real life affair. His intimacy and private moments are for me, as mine are for him; that’s a commitment we made together.

My sympathies, marymargaret. I haven’t been where you are, but just imagining my husband disrespecting me and our marriage like that is upsetting. I trust him; for him to abuse and betray that trust would shake my world.

34

  1. go to your bank tomorrow morning first thing and move your money into an account in your name only. please believe me when i say that your husband will see himself as having been somehow wronged by the unfolding events and will not hesitate to leave you and the little ones without while he sets up housekeeping. he will rationalize it all in his mind as you being upset over basically nothing and he will view himself as the one whom sympathy should be heaped upon.

  2. get a good lawyer. you need to make sure he meets his financial obligations to his children, and making it official is the first step.

  3. go to your doctor and be tested for everything under the sun.

  4. remember that your lawyer is not your therapist. he or she can get you what you and your children are entitled to under the law, but it is highly unlikely that you will get a better deal because you were the better person.

  5. you are going to need a therapist. find one now.

  6. accept the fact that you may never know the full true story. don’t waste anywhere from hours to years trying to figure out what really happened, when and with whom.

  7. your divorce is a business transaction. keep repeating that to yourself. focusing on attempting to make someone pay for their marital transgressions will only up your bill. dealing with your emotions is the job of your therapist, not of the court. you are getting a divorce, not revenge. remember that.

  8. your husband is a piece of shit. he is also the father of your children. he will not always be your husband, but he will always be their father. keep that in mind.

  9. he has the same rights and responsibilities that you do when it comes to the children. you are as much their mother as he is their father. the fact that he has done you wrong does not suddenly make the children yours and only yours.

  10. there will be a day when you will be happy.

i’m so sorry for your troubles mary margaret. it’s a terrible situation to be in.

35

Certainly not your husband, whose words are to be treated with about as much veracity as Joe Isuzu.

I’m going to repeat the advice I posted in the other thread; seek out some kind of mediation regarding the technical issues of your relationship, i.e. child support, visitation rights, division of property if it comes to that. If you don’t wish to consider counselling and the possibility of reconciliation (and from your description, it sounds like you have every reason not to do so) then don’t let yourself be begiled or berated into changing your mind; as others have said, maintaining a loveless marraige to an untrustworthy spouse is doing no favors for your children. But do consider the impact upon your children, and more specifically, let them know, in as objective and cautious manner that you can, what is going on between their parents and what will become of them. The extent to which you need to reveal the specifics is up to you (and the use of an outside, unbiased opinion, especially one based upon both sides of the story would be of great assistance to you) but don’t treat the kids as if they don’t need to know or won’t understand what is going on. Having been through such an experience (as a child) myself, and with parents who neglected to explain anything to me (I just came home one day and found that Dad was no longer sleeping on the sofa but had in fact disappeared completely, “and good riddance to him,” I was told) I can say that this is a very disturbing turn of events and one that led me to stop trying to interact with the rest of the world, which is a problem I still deal with today. (It didn’t help that it was well-known that my mother had conducted a couple of affairs in our small town prior to the official separation and that I bore the brunt of the harassment for her adultery.)

As far as being embarassed; many of us have been in this situation, and the opinion of anyone who ascribes blame upon you, without a specific and detailed knowledge of the entire relationship is unworthy of your concern. It’s hurtful and humilitating, but there is nothing to be ashamed about.

I’m pleased to note that there has been no repetition of the vengeful advice proffered in the previous thread; such action (have an affair with his best friend?) is useless and self-destructive. The best thing you can do is to maintain your family, let your kids know that they are loved and that this situation is not their fault, and otherwise attempt to get on with your life. The best revenge is to live well.

Good luck to you, and don’t hesitate to make use of sympathetic resources, including the many people in this forum who’ve experienced similar problems.

Stranger

36

Thank you all for your continued advice.

37

On a related note, my girlfriend’s friend wants us to go out with her and her new boyfriend for drinks or dinner or whatever. The catch? Boyfriend is still married (but he’s just about to leave her :rolleyes: ). Also, he sounds like a controlling psycho douchebag to boot. Well…that won’t be awkward.

38

I would say don’t go. She’s seeing a married man, and if you have a moral objection to that, then don’t go.

39

What does your girlfriend think about her friends situation? Maybe your girlfriend is trying to tell her friend what a douchebag the gut is and wants you allong for moral support? What I am saying is generally Don’t Go, unless you are going to help support your girlfriend.
marymargaret hope things work out for you, I hope you can give councelling a chance, but support you fully if you kick the cheater out on his arse. (PS good way to increase your post count :wink: )

40

This is possibly the most intensely counterintuitive TRUTH I’ve ever come across in my life. I’ve got a very open and flexible mind and I still can’t wrap my head around the path of denial someone would have to tread in order to do this. But I’ve seen it firsthand. Freakin’ bizarre if you ask me.

And yeah, because it’s not his fault he couldn’t keep his pants up time and time again he’ll be anticipating that you’ll screw him royally with an extremely unfair divorce. You unholy bitch servant of Satan. Bet you screw your attorney to cover expenses, you big old whore! Cheaters are unbelievable. Be strong, sister. Don’t look into the future you sought after even a month ago. It’s time to change the course of your life and accept that the old vision with him is gone forever. It’s a whole new day, you have a ton of choices in front of you. This is not the end of anything, but the beginning of whatever you want. No kidding. But it still hurts.