Coworker asks if her teenaged son can live with you. What do you tell her?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This happened yesterday, and I’m trying to figure out how my response squares with the general consensus.

Yesterday after staff meeting, a coworker came into my office and said in a whispery voice that she had a personal question to ask me. Uh-oh, I think to myself.

“Do you have a spare bedroom you wouldn’t mind renting out on a short-term basis? My son is getting kicked of his home because of some poor choices he’s made, and he’s going to be homeless if I can’t find him a place to stay.”

(As far as I know, her son has been living with her ex-husband. I’m guessing the ex and the son had a falling out._

I’m sure she could see the cogs of my mind turning. Dafuq! First off, I don’t know her son. I saw him once nine years ago, when he was a cute little kid, when she brought him to work. Why the fuck would I let a strange 19-year-old live with me indefinitely? Second off, why would I want to live with a person who makes “poor choices”? And third off, she knows that I’m an intensely private and quiet person. I’d be an awful landloard. And fourthly, why would she risk our solid work relationship by entangling me into some family mess?

I’m proud of myself for speaking my mind as clearly as I could.

“I’m sorry, but I haven’t lived with someone in ages, and I’m a very private person. I just can’t do that, sorry.”

She took it well. I didn’t ask why she couldn’t take him because I figured she’s got a perfectly good reason. She left on good terms, I guess.

But I’m still feeling weirded-out by the whole thing.

If a coworker–not a friend–came to you with this kind of request, what would you have said?

2

I believe my exact quote would be “What the fucking fuck?” Though it might involve a few more “fuck, what?”

I would be proud of myself if I were able to be as measured as you were. I think you handled it beautifully.

3

Refuse and suggest Craigslist and other sites listing rooms for rent.

4

My response would be similar to yours, I’d have avoided this opportunity.

(A LOT more info would need to be forthcoming before I would even considerate it. And a boy I don’t even know? That’s just not going to happen, I’m afraid!)

5

I’d want to know mom’s reason for not being able to take him in.

6

My response would be “Not no, but HELL NO!”

7

That’s how my daughter got pregnant. I’d advise against it.

8

“NO” is a perfectly acceptable answer and in this case, no explanation is needed

9

I would have let out a hearty laugh, and then said: “Oh wait, you’re serious. Excuse me while I laugh harder!”

/Compliments of Bender Rodriguez.

10

I think your answer was fine. And no, I wouldn’t allow a complete stranger to live in my house. Apart from my husband, I never liked living with roomies. The couple of months that his brother lived with us were sheer torture!

11

I would ask more questions but my answer is likely to be no in the end. In general 19 year old boys are not human and not fit to live among humans, and if he’s getting kicked out of his current home it’s not a good indication that he is an exception.

12

You did the right thing. As for the mom, moms tend to keep enabling their kids to keep doing naughty things - they can do no wrong!

What the kid needs is CONSEQUENCES for his actions. I say take him to a homeless shelter and let him learn a lesson!

13

I wouldn’t do such a thing for anyone who wasn’t a very, very close dear friend or relative. Teenagers are so difficult. No way unless I loved the parent very dearly and wanted to help her.

I don’t think you owe someone who is not a very dear friend any explanation except that you just are not prepared to do such a thing. She is way out of line for asking. That may be a clue in itself as to why she can’t deal with her own kid.

14

Don’t get fluffed up about it. Your answer was fine. A desperate parent who needs to relocate a kid on an emergency basis will naturally cast around to the closest available people she knows, co-workers and friends to house her kid. It’s strange how many people in this thread are reacting to this inquiry almost like some kind of physical affront or incredible request.

My God, it happens all the time in the real world that people need to deal with these kinds of scenarios, stop being such hothouse flowers. Just say "no I can’t " without the rolleyes and dramaqueenery, they’re not asking you for a kidney.

15

You should feel proud of yourself - you were clear, concise, and politely expressed your true feelings. I’d venture that 90% of the drama in people’s lives could be avoided if they were able to consistently do that.

(And this request screams red flags! “My dysfunctional son can’t get his shit together. Would you like to make him your problem?”)

16

While I am not adverse to taking in people and have [I have hidden 3 women on the run until a space in a shelter opened up] but a 19 year old guy ‘who has made some bad decisions’? Um, probably not. Depends on the bad decisions and why his father is tossing him out. She would be better off placing him in a halfway house type program for drugs, sex or other addictions if that was his problem. I don’t want he or his friends stealing from me to support their bad habits, orjust randomly stealing from me [I have had stuff stolen by visitors to my house that were there visiting my roomies] and right now I am in a house FULL of antiques and heirlooms as I am taking care of the family house while my mom is in holding with Alzheimers and in a residence facility. NO way would I let someone in that I didn’t know a lot better than the kid of a co-worker.

17

This is the first time anyone has asked that I provide a caretaker role for their teenaged son.

Yeah, she mentioned rent. But I’m guessing it wouldn’t be market rent (otherwise, why not find a place in the paper or Craiglist?)

This is a kid who has never lived on his own and is apparently having difficulties. His own parents don’t want to take care of him. So obviously this isn’t a mature, responsible adult who has just fallen on temporary hard times and needs a couch to crash on, who won’t be raiding my refrigerator or playing Xbox at all hours of the day. We’re talking about an unusual circumstance.

I’m of the philosophy that YES, sometimes it hurts to ask. Some requests are too over-the-top to be overlooked. This coworker is a sweet woman, but she’s a bundle of neuroses and bad decisions. I have no doubt in my mind that she’s desperate to help her son, and of course, desperation makes one do embarrassing things. But I have every right to feel like she’s a hot mess who needs to learn how to use better judgment. For all she knows, I’m running some kind of criminal organization at home. She doesn’t know me well enough to entrust her son to my care. So I can’t help but hold this against her.

18

Jesus Efing Christ, what people will ask these days! I think your answer was perfect. No need to huff and puff, even though the request was a real WTF moment. Your response gives you an out, and you let your coworker preserve some dignity. It’s often hard to take the moral high ground, but it’s usually best to do so.

19

Your measured response to her was fine but recognize that older kids needing a couch for few days on an emergency basis is not at all that unusual in the general run of things and parents (especially moms) with no other resources will reach out those they trust. It’s an emergency, their kid is homeless, they are desperate. It’s easy to judge them until you are in a situation where you have to rely on the kindness of strangers.

Objectively would it have been a good decision for a privacy loving, single woman to have a 18 year old male she does not know crashing on her couch? Probably not. But don’t be so judgey about the request itself until you are a helpless and desperate situation yourself.

20

“I live in a very crowded one bedroom apartment. I have nowhere for a guest to sleep. Besides the fact that I’ve a very private person and don’t really know your son. Sorry, no.”