I disagree. I prefer to head off the “don’t you have a spare room?”, “Can’t he just crash on your couch?”, “Gosh I really need help, can’t you do this for me?” wheedling at the start.
Your tastes, my response. My tastes would be for you to worry about your own response.
First you ask this:
Then, when someone gives an answer you don’t like, you say this:
See the problem?
mmm
Um… strawman? Who is saying that “only happens to those who work in Walmart and McDonalds?”
I don’t get why you can’t accept that this is a highly unusual request to make of a co-worker.
I think she’s talking about the “preach” part. She was asking people what they would have said/done, not to tell her how awful or judgmental she is for reacting the way she did.
I know these things because she TELLS me these things. She’s one of those TMI people. A long time ago, I once paid her a compliment about her mad Access skillz, and instead of saying “thanks” like a normal person, she said “I only have an IQ of 100, so I’m not that smart.” Um…ok? It’s been downhill from there.
I know her a million times more than she knows me because she spouts off about her personal business. So yes, she is a hot mess. I don’t know a lot of things, but I know that much.
You obviously associate with people who know how to keep their private lives private. Consider yourself a lucky person.
A major favor isn’t a major favor isn’t a major favor.
If she had asked for, say, a loan of a $300, I might have said yes.
If she had asked if SHE could stay in my guest room for an indefinite period of time, I probably would have said no, but I would have at least thought about it.
If she had asked to borrow my car for awhile (I don’t drive a lot and her car is always in the shop), I probably would have said yes.
But asking for a strange dude to live in my home for an indefinite period of time? When I’m a single woman with absolutely no experience living alone with a teenaged male? That’s a crazy major request.
It’s crazy that you’re judging me for having the audacity to judge someone for making a CRAZY major request, when you don’t know me or her. You’re giving her all your compassion, but granting me absolutely none.
Did they ask if their troubled son could live with you? Yes or no?
But even if your person did, they are still different from my person, correct?
Do you know for a fact that I don’t feel a “bit sad” too? Or you just assuming I don’t because I’ve expressed shock and confusion?
Dafuq? How am I classist? I see a woman who makes more money than I do (I know because our salaries are published online) who seems to be behaving like someone with no income at all. If she had no income, I’d be totally understanding and sympathetic (though I would still tell her “no”). So why *wouldn’t * I be weirded-out, confused, shocked, and concerned in this situation?
Why is just feeling some non-happy emotions–completely understandable emotions–so wrong? It’s not like I lost my shit with this woman. It’s not like I’m going to give her the cold-shoulder from now on. I’m just weirded out by her continual helplessness. I don’t think feeling “weirded out” is that bizarre of a reaction to someone asking if they can unload their problem child on you for some undefined period of time.
I don’t care how you judge me, DSeid. This may surprise you, given the high opinion you have of yourself, but you aren’t that important to me.
There’s a difference between “I think this is how I would have reacted” and
“I know this isn’t how I would have reacted. You’re a big meano for not reacting as saint-like as I imagine I would.”
Anyway, I didn’t solicit feedback on my feelings (which I assert cannot be helped, no matter how much shaming DSeid thinks I deserve). I solicited feedback on my verbal response.
*But asking for a strange dude to live in my home for an indefinite period of time? When I’m a single woman with absolutely no experience living alone with a teenaged male? That’s a crazy major request.
*
First thing that popped into my mind. Why would you want to come home to a (potentially) horny teen-aged boy hanging out in your apartment? A boy who is known to act recklessly - “bad choices” and been cut off by his loved ones for bad behavior.
He may swear that he has nothing like that in mind, and he may even mean it, but who wants to find out for sure?
Um … monstro is.
You shouldn’t care what I think of you monstro. Not quite sure why though you react so strongly to a negative assessment of your behavior made by a stranger on the internet.
Seriously. To you I am nothing but pixels. Why the anger that anonymous pixels think your reaction (not the verbal response) is fucked up?
This is a messageboard. You post and you get responses. Not always the ones you want. I observe a poster who is posting judgemental shit about someone whose life she knows not, who apparently has very little empathy for someone who hears a compliment about their smarts and responds with “No I’m not.”, who looks up what her co-workers’ salaries are when they are published online apparently with some resentment.
No I have not had the same exact experience you have had. Got me there.
I have a high opinion of myself? I know I try to do the best I can with what I got, sometimes more successfully than other times, sometimes with better results than other times, and try to have some empathy for others. I think highly of all who do that so I guess I think highly of myself as well. Got me again!
Well done!
As to the narrow interpretation of your op: a boring request for affirmation. No, no one here says they would have said yes and most (and I include myself) think your verbal response as reported was polite and diplomatic. I could only hope I’d be able to respond as smoothly. If someone posted that story and asked if they should feel bad for saying no then my answer would be of course not, no is likely the right answer, kudos for the well phrased and composed answer. If someone was so insecure about themselves that they needed that pat on the head and reassurance from online strangers.
I will dutifully ignore the judgemental shit you also posted and your stated thoughts about holding it against her in the future.
In any case, no astro was not alone in his/her reaction to the op.
I wonder if she wasn’t really expecting you to say yes, but was just trying to bring you into the drama and make you an interested party.
Like, now you’d be on the lookout for people seeking a roommate. You’re now going to be asking her about her son, giving her a platform to talk about herself. Maybe you’re now more inclined to do her favors, since you now know how much she is dealing with.
It’s kind of like when a homeless person holds up a sign saying that they are hungry. You may not want to get involved in finding them a meal, but you may be more willing to toss them a couple bucks in furtherance of them getting fed.
You seem to think responding to someone’s comments is more than simply responding to someone’s comments. What makes you think I’m taking anything you’re saying to me “strongly?”
You intimated that I’m classist, just because I don’t understand why a person with means would act like a person without means. That’s a pretty heavy accusation, don’t you think? Do you expect me to not respond to that accusation? Am I supposed to respond to that accusation without any emotion?
There’s a term for your posting behavior right now. It’s called “gaslighting.” You say something provocative and then accuse me of being hysterical for being provoked. It’s unbecoming.
A fly buzzing in my ear is annoying, but I don’t really care about its feelings.
I know enough about this person’s life to know she’s a neurotic mess.
You know nothing about this person, so you don’t know if she’s deserving of pity, compassion, or your valiant white-knighting.
I don’t mind responses. I didn’t mind astro’s responses, even though they weren’t fully supportive. I don’t appreciate being lectured to by someone who has a history of being tone-deaf and sanctimonious, but I actually don’t even have a problem listening to his posts either. Notice how I haven’t told you to stop talking to me and I haven’t threatened to flounce from this conversation?
Well, you got me. I wasn’t just seeking feedback on my response. I was also interested in finding out if I’m the only one who’d be shocked and confused by such a request, because honestly, I don’t know how commonly this happens. I can’t imagine it happening too often in most workplaces–among coworkers who are in professional occupations. But I actually don’t know for a fact.
You know what I found out? For 99% of the individuals who’ve participated in this thread, they would indeed be shocked. And I’m not the only one questioning my coworker’s judgement.
Unlike you, I don’t have a problem admitting that I don’t know everything. Sometimes I don’t want to be “weird” in my responses. I’d like to think I’m a reasonable person, but I don’t fuckin’ know sometimes. I am not hurt at all if you think I’m insecure, because 1) my ego isn’t tied at all to what DSeid thinks about me, and 2) I fully acknowledge that I’m a work in progress.
Is my coworker your wife or daughter or something? Why do you care so much that I–a pixel on your screen–has uncharitable thoughts about a woman you know nothing about? That it doesn’t matter to you that I’m kind and generous to this woman (in the ways I feel comfortable showing) doesn’t seem to matter to you. No, for you I’m not “feeling” the right way so I’m a big meano. Um…ok? If you say so.
Notice how astro has modified his opinion (at least somewhat) in response to the new information I shared. You have not.
I actually think this is it! Maybe she knew exactly what my answer would be, but she felt compelled (yet again) to share some personal TMI, and this was the only way she could conceive of doing it. She’s not looking for a cash hand-out. Just sympathy.
Because for someone who was supposedly desperate, she certainly didn’t work very hard at the selling the idea to me, and she didn’t seem all that shook up when I turned her down.
I dunno how I could possibly get that impression from your several responses which included "dafuq"s and personal attack responses.
And there you demonstrate it. A person “without means” acts one way, in your view, and a person “with means” another. Calling that behavior classist (and note I am not calling you anything, I am noting your behavior) is not a heavy accusation. It is a simple observation.
All I know is what has been presented by you. The version of reality I have responded to is the version as filtered by your experience of it. I respond to it with my opinion as a hypothetical in the spirit of the forum. Which amazingly is not entitled “Listen to me brag how great I responded to something and echo how great I am.”
Okay. But again, the reaction you described went beyond being shocked or confused by the request and into saying it is something that will not be overlooked and that you will hold against her.
Just going from what you said your reaction was. Which again is the only version of reality of this I have to go on.
I completely get being taken aback by the request. Confused? Sure. In not-the-exact-same-but-somewhat-similar circumstances I was. Shocked seems a bit over the top but YMMV. Reacting like having asked you was an unforgivable rudeness? I am one who sees that as a “weird” response.
Meh. I got time to kill. Home alone, already exercised, procrastinating before getting household tasks done. A thread in which my reaction is the clearly minority perspective seemed like a reasonable way to kill a few minutes.
Yeah it came after the miniature cats thread and how to get better at stair climbing and Steven Universe and reading what others wrote about The Crown (trying to decide if I should keep with it or not) but after those it seemed like the least boring thread here. Being a minority POV honestly held can sometimes be fun. The person could be a fictional character for all I care. It’s discussion about the principles.
True if you were a real person to me, a friend, I’d be engaging differently. A friend I would know well enough to have some guesses at why they were reacting the way they were reacting instead of just appropriately saying “no” maybe expressing some feeling of human concern to a fellow human being having a hard time and then moving on with his or her day. Maybe (s)he was feeling guilty and thought they “should” be doing more? Maybe (s)he resents the coworker’s higher salary or maybe (s)he has a history of being a doormat in the past and this request triggered some past anger about that. It could be an interesting conversation with a real friend who I actually know and have a relationship with.
In this thread and context? Nah. You are not someone I have such a relationship with and I would not presume to make any such guesses. Here there was a reaction I had that was clearly one not being as well represented and I serve a useful function to discussion (and to my entertainment) by trying to represent it. Nothing more and nothing less. Certainly nothing that has anything to do with you or even any of your past posts. Just the hypothetical of the thread, the op and its expansions.
Personal validation and positive mirroring I fortunately can get elsewhere. As you note, I already think highly enough of myself that I don’t need to get such from these threads. 
Dude, you accused me of being “classist” out of nowhere. Of course I’m going to go “Dafuq!” Sorry your feelings are that delicate that you can’t handle such language, but it’s a typical reaction to being accused of being an “-ist” for no good reason.
The next time the two of us debate about racism, I’m going to call you “racist” and see how non-emotionally you respond.
So if you see a colleague–a person you know to be making good money–pan-handling on the side of the street like they’re broke and homeless, you wouldn’t be the least bit confused? You wouldn’t immediately think there must be something about them that’s crazy and/or morally questionable?
I’m a bad person for wondering why a coworker who I know make good money is acting like she’s broke and homeless and can’t take care of her own wayward child?
I suppose you have the right to take this very uncharitable interpretation of my OP. But another interpretation could be, “This very weird thing happened to me. I think my response was good, but I’m curious what you would have said. And I’m also curious how you would feel to receiving such a request, since I’ve never experienced this before.”
I don’t know why you’ve chosen to take the most uncharitable interpretation, DSeid. Do I have a history of bragging about my social prowess on this board? I have a history of sharing strange and awkward encounters with coworkers, but I try not to portray myself in a heroic light in those stories. Almost always, I’m just really confused and wondering if the same situations have happened to other people.
Since no one has ever approached you and asked you to take a troubled teenaged boy off of their hands, I don’t know why you’re giving me such a hard time about this. I could understand if you had a lot of experience handling situations like this, but it’s clear you don’t. I’ve granted major favors to people in the past–including the woman we’re talking about. I’m not that sheltered from the shittiness of life that I don’t know what desperation is or how it feels.
But I’m telling you, this woman was not really acting all that desparate. The facts that I know about her indicate that she’s not in any financial dire straits. So again, I implore you. Why it is so wrong for me to be totally weirded-out by this situation? Unless you’re telling me that it’s perfectly normal for middle class divorcees to beseech an empty bed for her wayward kids amongst her coworkers, then I don’t really know what the fuck you’re arguing with me about.
I stand by that remark. And it would be nice if you would ask me to elaborate instead of assuming I mean something horrible by it.
It means I’m going to keep being private and formal with her, and not allow myself to ever open up around her.
And if someone ever asks me to give a frank assessment of my coworker’s interpersonal skills, I’d be truthful and let them know that she’s not the most savvy person in the world and that she’s given to poor judgment (like oversharing).
And that’s it. I’m not going to shun her in the breakroom or push her down the stairs. I’m not going to bully her or roll my eyes at her when she speaks in staff meetings. I’m not going to tell other coworkers about her request, not unless they bring it up first. Saying that I will be holding this thing against her sounds harsh, admittedly. But all it means is that there are some bells that can’t be unrung once they’ve been rung.
And my reaction is completely understandable to people who aren’t looking to pick a fight with me. My evidence of this? You’re the only one that’s raking me over the coals right now.
Never once have I used “rude”, DSeid. I haven’t used synonyms for rude either.
If this whole time you’ve been under the delusion that I’ve been complaining about a rude person rather than a WEIRD and CONFUSING person, then you’ve been wasting a bunch of time and electrons. This is not the first time you’ve argued about something without knowing what the fuck you’re talking about, so I guess wonders never cease.
I hope it’s been entertaining for you.
I’m not wasting any more of my time, though.
Got it. You holding something against someone and not overlooking it means treating them exactly the same as you always have without it having occurred.
Thank you for the clarification.
FWIW BTW I have no idea what you have a history of in other posts in general. Your history of frequent awkward interactions with coworkers? I’ve not seen most of those threads. I vaguely remember something about a boss of yours, some issues of perceived insults, and something about your being uncomfortable because someone wanted to discuss something about race with you. But I think I have not had the pleasure of most of your threads reporting your series of coworker interaction awkwardness. I can only respond to what was posted here on its own.
And as for the “accusing” you “of being ‘classist’ out of nowhere” …
The interaction was
My response was
I stand by that if-statement. I will further state that someone having classist beliefs does not make them a bad person per se. We all have “-ist” beliefs that we would all be better off being more conscious of than we often are. When I express something that evinces such, or that you believe does anyway, please feel free to point it out. I may or may not agree but I would be the better for having the thought shared with me.
Your thinking that that statement is gaslighting is … weird.
Just pointing out, t you said, this totally doesn’t look like a money thing, her income is irrelevant, it’s a personality thing. She apparently considers living alone to be a horrible thing, something no-one would want to do, so of course she doesn’t want her kid living alone in a hotel or apartment by himself. It’s utterly crazy to you, as a very private person who greatly prefers living by herself, but not for her.
My guess is she saw it as seeing if she can do you a favour. Seriously. You’re stuck living by yourself, which is horrible, and her kid needs somewhere to live, with someone else, because living alone is horrible. She’s lived with a co-worker before, and that was OK, so she’s looking for something similar for her son, because it worked out for her last time.
Once you get your head round the basic idea that living by yourself is something to be avoided at all costs, for everyone, it kinda makes sense. She’s doesn’t understand your desire to live alone any more than you understand her desire to always live with someone else.
When I was single, yes. I’ve shared with dope-smoking schizophrenics before, and I’ve been a 19 yo boy myself. Now that I’m older and wiser, I’d call the dad first and check that he wasn’t on Ice, Heroin, or rocks, but, now that I’ve got a wife and kid, no, she wouldn’t have it, and it’s their house too.
That may be all true.
But I seriously doubt that if I were a guy and we were talking about a 19-year-old girl, she’d be trying to place us together. And if she wouldn’t have a problem with this arrangement, well, this is a sign of poor judgment.
I think that’s where much of my WTF is coming from.
Is it actually “classist” to say “I wouldn’t be so surprised if really poor people do X to survive, but it’s surprising to me when not-poor people do X”? Because if that’s classist, being classist apparently just means “Aware that some people have more resources than others.”
“Hey, I know we’re just coworkers, but I was wondering if you’d like to get involved with some of my family drama?”
Hmmm, let me think about that and get back to you.
Would you have considered renting out one of your rooms to a co-worker’s troubled 19 yr old? Because for me the answer is so obviously “no” it makes the request kind of on the crazy side. Add in the fact that the request is made to a single woman to house a 19 yr old male puts it over the edge. You could say if the mom was desperate you could understand the crazy request but it doesn’t make it any less crazy.
I think you’ve got something here. It’s not so much that she expected help, she’s just spewing her family drama into the workplace, like the hot mess she is.