The deparment administrator asked for my birthday and I told her I wasn’t going to say.
She kept asking and I kept refusing.
She would come back every other day for about a week, so I desided to look like I ‘broke down’ and gave her the date of August 26. (It wasn’t my birthday of course.) She was proud of her self that she ‘broke me’.
Then August 26th came…
Co-Workers: “Happy Birthday!!!”
Me: “It’s not my birthday”
Administrator: “But you said…”
Me: “What ever it would take to get you to leave me alone…”
My co-workers thought it was funny, but the admin person didn’t.
You hit the nail right on the head. Why can’t you say “No thank you”- to any request- without a lengthy explaination? Why does it require you to explain any further? If I say to someone "Hey, wanna go to Fu-Man-Chu for dinner later? and they say “No thank you”, I say “OK”. The end. I don’t care if it’s because they don’t like chinese food, are allergic to MSG, or just need a “taste” to be sure. Maybe I smell bad and that’s why. Who cares? If they don’t offer an explaination, the conversation is OVER.
Everyone practice, especially those who say “Why” or “come on” or “Just one bite”. You know who you are- the “talkers into it” crowd.
Snap yourself on the wrist with a rubberband HARD every time you are tempted to say any of those words.
P1: Want some birthday cake? It’s in the breakroom.
P2: No, thank you.
P1: Shirley is having a baby and we’re throwing a shower. How much would you like to contribute to the gift fund?
P2: I don’t want to contribute, but thanks for asking.
P1: I made some homemade yummy coffee cake and it’s in the breakroom. You’ve got to have some- it’s my late Gramma’s recipe and I make it in her honor every year
P2: No thank you.
P1: OK!
See, after a few tries, they’ll get it. I suggest those who have this trouble at work print this out and stick it on the office fridge. New rule:
NO THANK YOU REQUIRES NO EXPLAINATION.
That IS the explaination. I don’t want that food/offer/money/dead body. No thank you. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
My problem with office “celebrations” is that they are depressingly superficial. I enjoy birthday celebrations when they are just that - celebrations of someone special to you. Such times are filled with genuine emotion. Twenty people huddling around a store-bought cake in a lunchroom for fifteen minutes is not a celebration. These “celebrations” always seem to be more about the organizers thatn about the honorees.
I like my coworkers. I care about the really important events in their life - births, weddings, graduations, deaths divorces. I express my caring by being there to listen and ask questions and sympathize when they need it. Birthdays are not this kind of event. I’m thankful that my current workplace does little of this sort of thing.
Maybe I’m just messed up, but sometimes I say “no” to something when I mean “yes.” But I’m afraid of looking greedy or selfish. So if someone says, “You want a piece of cake?” I say, “No, thanks,” but I’m waiting for the, “Oh, come on, one little piece won’t hurt.” Then it’s ok to say ok. Otherwise I’m afraid the offerer will think, “What a pig, I barely offered before she dove right in!”
But my point is, maybe offerers expect people to be like that.
Like in the Amy Tan book, “The Bonesetter’s Daughter.” The custom was to refuse 3 times, accept the 4th. I can relate to that. Sick, I know
I think this is usually the case. The keys are choosing the right way to offer and being aware of the tone of the person refusing. I think it’s fine to extend additional offers by saying, “There’s plenty!” or “Help yourself if you change your mind.” On the other hand, a strong, “No thanks” should encourage no futher offers.
What frustrates me is when people ask why you don’t wan’t any. I suffer from a fairly rare intolerance to fat. It is difficult to explain, unsuitable for party discussion, and, of course, is none of their business. Nevertheless, when people offer cakes and pastries they always think it is a great joke to press me on why I can’t eat it.
I like this idea, Zette. I seem to be one of the rare, fortunate people who likes most of her coworkers. Unfortunately, there’s one woman in my office who tends to be overbearing. She constantly tells me what I should be doing with my life. For example, I need to move because I should be living in a more upscale neighborhood. I need to go to art museums because I should be more cultured. I need to go to the theater instead of going to see sci-fi movies. She never asks what I enjoy doing — she just tells me what I should be doing. When I tell her I’m just fine the way I am, she brushes it off as “it’s just the mom in me.” Yes, I know you’re a mother, but you’re not my mother. Back off.
Now, she’s decided the office needs to have a book club. I don’t know too much about it, but apparently she plans to assign a novel each week/month/whatever and have us get together to discuss. I dread having to explain to her that I’m not taking part:
Me: no thank you.
Her: But why not?
Me: I really don’t want to participate, thank you.
Her: Don’t you want to read this book?
Me: If I decide to read it, I’ll do it at another time.
Her: What are you doing over the weekend that you can’t find time to read?
And so on and so on and so on.
This isn’t to say I wouldn’t take part in other activities with coworkers. I always go to the department-wide birthday party each month. It’s one party,with one big cake for all birthdays that month. No pressure to attend or give money for anything. I go to lunch with other coworkers from time to time. I even have plans to go out shopping with one coworker. If there were other activities outside of work I would consider going.
I like taking part in social events at work if I choose to do so, but I have a problem when people expect me to justify my choices as if they get the final decision.
You know, to some extent this can be a cultural thing. I remember hearing a British folksinger once talking about his first visit to the U.S. He was at someone’s house and they asked him if he wanted some tea. He said no, thank you. So they took it away. He was astonished. Where he comes from, you are supposed to say no twice and yes the third time…
So consider that the imbecile MIGHT be a furriner.
But, as the Berrymans said in another folksong, “the odds are in your favor he’s a prick.”
I once had the job of calling some retired co-workers to invite them to a Christmas party. One of them said “the best thing about being retired is that I don’t have to go to those parties.” Honesty.
If you’re messed up, then I’m just as messed up. I’m the same way. People have to ask me three or four times sometimes before I accept something that I want.
Gods honest truth here- I had no idea people did that. So if I offered you cake and you refused, would it be OK to say “Well, it’s there and you’re welcome to it if you decide you would like a piece”?
Would you then feel OK about taking some? I’m really wondering, because that’s usually how I handle a “no”. Would you still not partake?
That sounds incredibly annoying. If you’re offered something, and it appeals to you, take it and say thank you. Don’t make your host play “Guess what I really mean.” The whole “refuse three times” rule of etiquette doesn’t make you appear less greedy, it makes you appear indecisive and easily influenced. At least, that’s how it all looks to me. Maybe I’m the one who’s messed up.
I’d wait until no one was looking and then I’d sneak over and take a piece! LOL, told you I’m messed up I’m just terribly self-conscious and would rather appear indecisive than greedy.
But, honestly, I don’t usually say “no” flat out, I say something like, “not right now, I’ll get some later, thanks.” I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone force the issue. Maybe that’s the approach to take. Because, unless the offerer is so obsessive that they monitor the goodies, they really don’t have to know whether or not you ever did make it over for that piece. [sub]Or if you went back for seconds.[/sub]
Wow, that really is an invasion of privacy. I’m gonna borrow some of you guys’s tips, because I’ll be working soon somewhere new (thank goodness, the last company I worked for didn’t celebrate birthdays, just the anniversary of when you started working for the company–and so they limited the events to once a month). I really really hope that I don’t work somewhere where they make a big hoop-de-ding about birthdays, because mine is September 11th. Which was a cool birthday until recently, obviously. I’m sure you can imagine the sort of reactions I get from friends who I tell my birthdate to. :rolleyes:
When I worked in a customer service call center, the only time to have birthday cake was at 8 o’clock in the morning, which did not deter the Birthday Brigade from indulging. When asked, I would say," No cake for me thanks, I already had cake for breakfast!" When the leftover cake was left in the coffee area, I would sneak over and inconspicuosly sprinkle chest hairs on it. And for co-workers who were nosy or gave me a hard time, I would tell the other office people behind their backs that they stunk out the employee restroom really bad. Ahhh, good times…
Occasionally Sasha, one of our volunteers brings in a cake she’s baked for staff here - there’s about 40 of us, and lots of volunteers, and shes loves the work and it’s her way of letting us know.
Because I work with her, I usually cut it up and take it round the office offering it to folks, and saying that it’s from Sasha. When people say no I say “oh you **are ** strong!” and pass on. I don’t need to know why, and maybe they just hate cake, but it’s always nice to be told you’re strong, isn’t it?
And there’s rarely any problem with leftovers.
Cakes and celebrations are about making people feel good, and if people are senstitive, these things can be handled in a way that leaves everyone feeling good and relaxed.
