I’m in the kitchen. I break out the cutting board and sit it on the counter.
I go to the fridge to retrieve some items. When I turn back around, I see kitty standing on the cutting board with all four paws. To which my knee jerk reaction was:
“GET YOUR DAMN DIRTY PAWS OFF MY CUTTING BOARD!!” (He did not)
About a half second later I start cracking up because, with out realizing it, I more or less quoted that famous “Planet of The Apes” line.
I didn’t but my friend did.
She’s just a little bit southern and has an unique was of phrasing things sometimes.
So her car needed to be greased
and I guess it’s okay to put this here
and she calls up the auto shop down the road
and says
no lie
‘how much would it cost me to get some of that thick black grease shoved up my rear end?’
I cracked up, her brother cracked up, you could hear the guy on the other end of the line laughing
and she is standing there with a dumbfounded look on her face wondering why we all are laughing.
The mechanic told her she made his day and greased her car for free.
That is freaking hilarious!
I met a couple of old friends at the home of one of them the other night. One of her neighbors had ordered a bunch of food for Christmas - a couple of hams, a smoked turkey, several pork loin roasts - but screwed up the order and had them shipped to her home address rather than to the relatives where she’s staying for the holidays.
It was too late to re-direct the shipment, so the neighbor gave it to my friend, who then gave some to us, her visitors.
So I stood outside my friend’s house the other night, full of wine and assorted tasties, and waved goodbye with a couple of pork roasts. “So long, and thanks for all the pork!”
I’m well aware video game banter is never as funny to outsiders as it is to aficionados, but this one might be funny to you and I was impressed with myself for instantly coming up with it.
In the tragically recently closed City of Heroes game, I was playing a superhero character who summoned beasts. I really liked the animation for the “Call Hawk” power – the character raises one arm casually, almost indolently, and with a scream, a hawk appears and swoops over to the target, knocking him down and clawing him up for some damage.
Anyway, the hawk (and my signature saying, “THAT’S a hawk!” [as in, that’s it, your evil deeds have earned you this hawk attack]) became my trademark, and some of the other players even gleefully said it for me at times.
But that’s not the funny part.
At the end of one long mission, we came up against the supposedly main bad guy. I unleashed the hawk – and before it could reach the bad guy, my friend suddenly defeated him with his big explosion.
Amid the whoops of triumph in team chat, I delivered this line:
“Dude, did you just hawk-block me?”
I met a friend at Chipotle for lunch today. For some odd reason I asked for barbacoa in addition to the carnitas that they had already put into my burrito. When they asked “Double meat?” I agreed since at that point the meat was all on the tortilla anyway. I had them put guacamole on there too, since I was already “all in” at this point.
We where eating and talking, and after a while I was 2/3 done with this extra meaty burrito that was big even by Chipotle standards. I was surprised at how much burrito I had already put down, as I often have difficulty finishing even a regular from there.
I looked down at the remaining burrito and looked over at my friend and said “You know what I’m going to do when I get home? I’m going to go number 3.” Both of us giggled like 10 year old boys for at least two minutes.
I was at my mother’s house a few weeks ago. She came into the room and said 'I just found a roach downstairs." I jumped up out of my seat and said ‘it’s mine!’
Then I realized she meant a bug.
I know someone who ordered a C-Pap machine to treat sleep apnea. For some reason, it wasn’t shipped when it should have been. There were numerous delays, but finally someone said it would arrive by Friday. When I heard this, I e-mailed without thinking, “Don’t hold your breath waiting for it.”
D’oh!
I’m stopped by a county deputy after blowing through a small section of reduced speed on a secondary highway. He says, “Do you know what the speed limit is?” I say “No”, and he says, “35. Do you know how fast you were going?” I say “No”, and he says, “53.” I say, “So, would you believe I’m dyslexic?”