Alternately:
What do you have if you have a mothball in each of your hands? Total control over Mothra.
I’m way over 10 at this point, but I still chuckled! 
News like this makes me want to follow our friends who, finally giving up on America, moved to Portugal this year. Like, permanently. They’re not missing it in the least, and I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t, either.
Apropos of nothing, Portugal has terrific sausages.
Yeah, but are any of them plant-based?
Western European restaurant menus list the 17 (?) most common allergens. My experience is that this practice has raised awarenness of the constituents of the food item and increased the number of vegetarian, vegan, dairy-free, egg-free, gluten-free, soy-free, and nut-free options, at least through easier removal of the undesired substance on request. Even celery (which my lovely wife can no longer eat) is listed. I am a member of several vegetarian/vegan Camino de Santiago Facebook groups and the options in France, Spain, and Portugal, for example, have expanded dramatically.
I’m not vegetarian, but sometimes don’t want meat-for-the-sake-of-meat added automatically. On the Camino, a frequent option for the pilgrim menu of the day is a big mixed salad. It comes with a scoop of tuna and hardboiled egg, but can easily be ordered without either or both.
And red wine and cheese. I lived there for two years and could survive on those three items alone.
Just remember, scoffers, that vegetarian meat has been revealed as Satan’s plan to alter our DNA so we can’t be saved by Jesus.
That according to Pastor Rick Wiles, who more recently was hospitalized with Covid-19 after denouncing Covid vaccination as being part of a mass death campaign.
It is written.
I think that this is key, and fits into why the conservatives are calling the impossible meat “woke”. A lot of what is changing in America is expanded awareness of the negative impact of our actions and choices.
In the past, concerns about multiculturalism, environmentalism, and health weren’t as prominant. People used to be able to make racist jokes, not worry about micro agression and cultural appropriation, assume that as long as they didn’t use the N-word and celebrated MLK day racism was not a problem. Similarly they were able to eat whatever they wanted without worrying about the health of the planet.
So this all fits together in a general complex of being judged for doing what they have always done without worrying about its negative impact on others. They previously viewed Cracker Barrel as a “safe space” but the introduction of impossible meats means that even there they can’t escape that the world is changing and their being left behind.
Which in the specific case of meat consumption I would have thought conservatives would be pretty much triumphantly embracing. I mean, hunters and fishers and small farmers and ranchers tend to lean politically conservative AFAICT, and they have always been pretty adamant that hunting and raising your own meat is generally better for you and for animals and for everyone than getting it out of factory-farmed packages.
Now that health and environmental experts are very much agreeing that local sustainably raised/hunted meat has significant benefits, I don’t see why conservatives in general aren’t jumping on that bandwagon. “Wokeness” about meat consumption seems like something conservatives are naturally poised on the absolute cutting edge of. Are their leaders just so deep in the pockets of Big Beef and Big Chicken etc. that they haven’t noticed it?
This has nothing to do with their concern for others’ health or the environment. It’s everything to do with promoting the interests of ranchers and farmers.
And those interests are directly threatened by meat substitute products. Naturally ranchers and farmers don’t want any competition to their product. It’s a little more complicated for hunters (read: gun owners), but as more and more nutritious food becomes available in stores, it’s harder for hunters to pretend that shooting animals with expensive rifles is an economic necessity instead of a fun hobby that makes them feel manly.
That’s true… and how hilarious would it be if someone called that out on the national news media?
I don’t think that’s really it at all, at least not the hunting part. The people who hunt, either do it for food because they’re poor, or they do it because they enjoy it and the meat is secondary. Neither of them is going to be dramatically affected by the availability of meat substitutes.
The farmer/rancher angle is a bit more accurate, but a lot (most?) of the right-wing aren’t farmers or ranchers. A lot aren’t even rural.
It’s basically what @Buck_Godot is getting at- this somehow hits home for them in a way that makes them feel judged and/or uncomfortable. Which is a bit funny, in that nobody’s actually judging them simply because Cracker Barrel offers a new option for breakfast.
I’m starting to think that maybe it’s simpler than I’ve been thinking and maybe it just comes down to “Change is bad” in their minds, and things like Impossible Sausage are very new and different, and therefore hated and associated with vegetarians and other annoying and silly people (in their minds).
Isn’t that what “conservative” means, at the core?
Maybe lately, but historically it was more of a notion that change wasn’t necessarily good. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s bad, just something that should be well considered and done carefully if it’s done at all. The whole political system was sort of a tug-of-war between those who were resistant to change and those who wanted change.
But at some point, the Republicans/right switched to more of a “We want change… to change things to where they were in 1950”. They’re not merely resisting change now, they’re actively working in the opposite direction.
Ideally, “Change should be done carefully”.
Along with “Is change necessary, and if so, what degree of change is appropriate?” Which is not an ignoble concept in its own right.
Like I was saying, ideally the whole thing is a tug-of-war and set of compromises between the set of people who want change and a lot of it, and their opposite numbers.
But the whole game has changed, and the former conservatives are now reactionary, and even pro-change, just in the opposite direction.