Posted by me in 2005:
As I said, that’s as near as I can remember; but I think that’s all that’s in it.
I don’t suppose anyone does have the official recipe? Or at least can give me some proportions?
Not that I’m extremely likely to make it, but one never knows…
I have heard of a recipe for ‘crap salad’, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the one you’re looking for.
Just ask for a Waldorf salad, with lemon lime jello added. And if the cook gives you any trouble, bust his ass!
Are you thinking of this one, on James Lileks’ Gallery of Regrettable Food. I can’t tell if it’s using peas or chopped apples.
I have a few vintage Jell-o recipe collections. I just flipped through and didn’t find exactly what you’ve posted about. I do have a recipe for tuna and avocado jell-o salad, one with liver pate in it, and another with potatoes.
Suddenly “crap salad” doesn’t sound so bad.
I found something that looks like it. That version is different though. It has pineapple, cream cheese, and mayonnaise instead of apples, cottage cheese, and Miracle Whip. I don’t know if mom used condensed milk.
Mom and Aunt Barbara called it ‘crap salad’ because it has so much crap in it, or because you throw a bunch of crap together. I always called it ‘that green jello stuff with the apples and nuts in it’.
I use avocado slices in orange Jello! 
I can’t find the right book from my collection of bad 60s and 70s cookbooks (I believe it’s the one that is a compendium of recipes off packaged food) but I think it was called a congealed salad. Supposedly it was a southern delicacy.
With that in mind here’s one and here’s another.
I don’t see why you couldn’t just gather the ingredients and eyeball it. The jello just binds the ingredients together.
Kind of like a Tolkien Salad?
No experience with that sort of thing. I’d like to have at least some idea of the proportions.
Equal amounts of sweet and salty and crunchy and soft works for me. Be careful with any other spice/flavour.
It’s actually not difficult to find “crap” listed on menus over here. The Thais are always misspelling “crab” in this manner. “Crap omelette,” “crap salad,” you name it. Seriously.
My grandmother used to make something the family always called “green salad.” It was green Jello with a layer of cream cheese inside it. Really good. I miss that.
Here is one I found in an old church cookbook.
1 small package lemon jello
1 18 oz can of crushed pineapple, do not drain
1 8 oz package of cream cheese
1 cup finely chopped red apple, do not peel
1 cup finely chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped pecan
8 oz carton of Cool whip, thawed
put jello and pineapple in pan and bring to boil for three minutes, set aside to cool. when at room temp, mix in apple, celery, pecans and cream cheese. add cool whip last and refrigerate until firm.
From “The New Joys of Jello”, 1973:
Jellied Waldorf Salad
1 (3 oz.) package Jello
1 c. boiling water
pinch salt
3/4 c. cold water
1 tbsp. lemon juice
3/4 c. chopped unpeeled apple
1/4 c. chopped celery
1/3 c. chopped walnuts
Dissolve Jello in boiling water. Stir in cold water, juice and salt. Chill until thickened. Stir in the rest, pour into a 4-cup mold, and chill until set. Unmold by setting pan in an inch or so of hot water and turn onto a plate lined with salad greens. Serve with mayo thinned with cream or honey, if you like.
There are lots of variations on Jello salads in old cookbooks, many involving crushed pineapple or Dream Whip (or both). This book gets pretty strange: Jellied Gazpacho, Barbecue Salad, Cool Coleslaw Salad, and more.
So a ‘Congealed Crap Salad’ is considered a delicacy? I thought us Brits had the edge on awful food.