Crazy Crazy Crazy

[Black_Train_Song]

Triskadecamus ,

Your story sounds really interesting. Thanks for sharing.

I have a sort of unrelated question. While delivering mail, did you ever actually look at the kinds of mail people were getting and start building a personality for that household based on the mail they got? Somehow I think this is what I’d be doing without even trying.

How did you end up getting on your feet again as far as getting back into regular society? (if you want to answer)

Ahunter3 ,

his very board, for example —and see how some of the regular folks here become beloved (or behated) and personally known within the community, that folks have a sense of them as intriguing personalities and people of forceful opinions, I’m always marginal. I think I leave a funny “taste” in people’s heads, not quite like they strongly disklike me but people don’t often warm up to me, and no matter what group it might be or how long I’ve been in it, it’s always like I’m a newbie who doesn’t know anyone yet. That’s probably the worst of it.

There are things that I really want to do in my life, social-political change stuff. I have great visions and I think I have great courage and I feel a sense of responsibility and I want to participate, perhaps lead. But I perpetually feel unplugged, a spectator with no ability to affect my social environment, unable for the most part to even be a follower among followers and fit in and integrate my skills and energies.

I can identify well with this but I have a pretty good idea that most people do too and that’s how I deal with that.

[Eats_Crayons]

@Daithi Lacha

I don’t want to hijack this fascinating thread, but what is being done to control this? And how did you find it (if it did at all) adversely affecting your life?
I’m starting to suspect that my wife is suffering from narcissism, and it’s changing our lives - and not for the better.

Certain personality disorders like Narcissictic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorders are difficult to treat and control. There is a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy that can help, but the nature of both illnesses means there will be times when the person just won’t want to modify their behaviour.

There is a specific type of CBT that’s been designed for Borderlines. Not sure about Narcissist. You cold look it up at www.mentalhealth.com. I read about it eonsago, so don’t remember the treatment therapies.

[Inigo_Montoya]

@wisernow

Inigo Montoya Why don’t you seek medical help? You do realize that you have a problem, you acknowledge it, then why don’t you want to do something about it so that it goes away. Don’t you want to feel better? Do you have something against going for therapy or taking meds?

Honestly? The answer to this lies somewhere between ignorance and experience. Except for once in a great while the hallucinations are not troublesome and I’d no sooner take meds to make them stop than I would take an analgesic to banish a low grade headache or dull the pain of a hangnail. Considering the side effects of antipsychotics and the difficulties in getting an appropriate dose it’s an easy decision for me–say “hi” to Lucy a couple times a week, tune out the audio and get on with life. Getting on with life means being able to interact meaningfully with other people, having an erection when I want one, caring enough to share it with someone else, not drooling, maintaining conscious control over my facial muscles, being awake when the sun is up & being able to sleep when it goes down (well…usually), etc. Why sacrifice ANY of that when the payoff is losing a part of what I recognize as my identity? I’ve treated for the depression/social withdrawal before because it makes me a pain in the ass to be around. I got off the drugs because I’d rather feel weird than not feel at all, and because I can overcome these particular symptoms simply by being aware of when they’re active. Different dose/med? Maybe it would be helpful, I dunno. There’s probably a perfect medicine with a perfect dose out there to improve the happy-level of everybody on the planet, but not everybody NEEDS to medicate for what ails them.

I don’t think I do realize/acknowledge that I have a “problem” as much as I have a slightly different set of tools from the standard issue. If I were more of a prick, I’d say tat YOU are the one with the problem because you view my toolbox as inadequate for existing in the real world. But I’m not a prick, so I’ll explain that. I reckon everyone has developed their own coping mechanisms that help them not strangle people with 8 items in the 7 item line in the grocery store, to not burst into tears when they see man’s inhumanity to man on the news every night, to not buy every gadget that strikes their fancy in Wal*Mart. Yeah, I know, some people do this stuff anyway, but it’s rare enough that the rest of us look at them and think, “abnormal.” Some nutjobs, like myself who are fortunate enough to have manageable symptoms, exercise a similar kind of restraint when it comes to hallucinations/delusions. Most of us can ignore the liquor store, the hookers, the pushers, the closeout rack, the new car lot…and to be honest, we all feel a little sad when we do so. Like we are giving up a little spice in our lives. Same for me when I choose not to talk to Lucy, just to see if she’ll converse with me, or when I choose to believe that there really isn’t a running joke in the office that I’m intentionally kept out of. It’s just a thing. Yeah, the day I wake up and refuse to get in my car because I KNOW it’s infested with chimpanzees, or when I try & be careful not to step on my wife’s tail because that’ll make her mad and she’ll seal me up in a peanut butter jar again…OK, then I’ll get on board the drug train and don an I-love-me jacket.

But for where I’m at right now? Even with an eye on me last November, I wouldn’t be able to justify it to myself. Therapy may or may not work, I’d have to trust the shrink and be able to accept advise, which would mean wanting to change. And I don’t.

Rooves described this thread as my coming “out.” That’s really what’s going on here for me anyway. Like my queer friends who no longer want to be assumed straight, not be force-fed a lifestyle that doesn’t fit, or who simply want to find strength in numbers—strength to fight (real) persecution, or strength to fight (imagined) persecution by realizing that not only are they not alone, they are many. Fruitcakes abound, and the most help I’ve ever gotten with dealing with my own craziness is to realize I don’t need to be ashamed of it, because there’s a lot of it about. I sometimes wonder if “crazy” isn’t the norm, and that we are being fed a vision of “normal” by the few “non-mad” as part of a conspir…um, never mind.

[Alias]

@Daithi Lacha

I don’t want to hijack this fascinating thread, but what is being done to control this? And how did you find it (if it did at all) adversely affecting your life?
I’m starting to suspect that my wife is suffering from narcissism, and it’s changing our lives - and not for the better.

Basically I just had to come to terms with my feelings and thoughts. I had to realize that I’m no better than other people, even if I think I am. I know it sounds totally contradictory, but it’s not.
My problems might sound trivial to a lot of people, but narcissistic personality disorder sucks. It’s not so much that it’s terrible to feel superior, but it’s terrible to realize that you’ve treated many people as inferior who never deserved it. Basically for years I had no conscience. I truly believed that I was like a higher species. That sounds sort of psychotic, but it’s how I felt. When I got into my twenties, I realized that I didn’t care who I hurt or why.
In my experience, and in my reading, it’s extremely hard to treat personality disorders. In the end, I realized that I had to WANT to be helped in order to be helped. I made a conscious effort to BE a better person. At first it felt phoney, but over time, my conscience returned. Much of it had to do with my having a daughter, but it took loads of soul-searching and intraspection in order to come out a decent human being.
As far as your wife is concerned, I don’t know what to tell you. A good beginning might be to show her some literature about personality disorders, and try to not be too accusatory. Educating myself was a huge step in realizing that my inflated ego was much more than just being self-involved.

Feel free to email me if you want. My address is in my profile.

[Eats_Crayons]

@Alias

BIn my experience, and in my reading, it’s extremely hard to treat personality disorders. In the end, I realized that I had to WANT to be helped in order to be helped. I made a conscious effort to BE a better person. At first it felt phoney, but over time, my conscience returned. Much of it had to do with my having a daughter, but it took loads of soul-searching and intraspection in order to come out a decent human being.

Wow, Alias, I’m really impressed sounds like you’re really working at tackling it. There is a book by a psychiatrist who also has Narcissistic Personality Disorder that is truly interesting. You may already know of it, but if I get the chance, I’ll ask a friend who knows the title (or at least where to find the title.) IIRC, the doctor acknowledges, that he always has to make a conscious effort as you mentioned.

tips hat Good on ya, though. Seriously.

[Triskadecamus]

@Rooves

TriskadecamusI have a sort of unrelated question. While delivering mail, did you ever actually look at the kinds of mail people were getting and start building a personality for that household based on the mail they got?

The only one I remember, over six years of mail delivering was two people in the same area filing identical change of address notifications. Obviously getting married. She got Psychology Today, The Whole Earth Catalog, Mother Jones, and regular mail from The Democratic Party, Vegetarian Cooking, PETA, and the Unitarian Church. He gets Popular Mechanics, Guns and Ammo, Republic Magazine, Belongs to the NRA, Young Republicans, has season tickets for the Redskins, and has a big honkin’ full ton pickup truck to park next to her ten year old compact car.

They filed different change of address notifications about eight months later.

But, no, didn’t usually even think about the people I had not met. I met most of my customers, though. Then they were just people. Toward the end, I actively avoided running into the ones who were ever home.

Tris

[Alias]

@Eats_Crayons

Wow, Alias, I’m really impressed sounds like you’re really working at tackling it. There is a book by a psychiatrist who also has Narcissistic Personality Disorder that is truly interesting. You may already know of it, but if I get the chance, I’ll ask a friend who knows the title (or at least where to find the title.) IIRC, the doctor acknowledges, that he always has to make a conscious effort as you mentioned.

tips hat Good on ya, though. Seriously.

Thanks. That’s sweet of you. I’d be interested to know the name of that book if you can find it. Email me if you want. I’d like to read it.

[look_ninjas]

No one has handed down a diagnosis on me yet, but when I’m in therapy, the two words most often used are “anxiety” and “depression,” so we’ll go with that.

It’s difficult to say where one stops and the other ends. Sometimes I’ll have episodes of either that are very clear. I’ve never really had the big crushing black depression - it’s just that the color goes out of everything, and nothing is capable of giving me pleasure. I feel sick to my stomach - no food sounds good, I don’t want to watch anything on tv, I don’t want to read anything, I don’t even really want to listen to music. I’m perpetually on the verge of tears, but I don’t really feel sad. I don’t really feel anything, unless something goes slightly askew in my world. Then I’m angry, phenomenally angry. Then I hate myself for getting angry at nothing. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Or when the anxiety gets really strong (I’m always a little anxious, but when it starts to interfere with things) it feels like I’ve got lightning crawling under my skin. My heart races and my chest gets tight, and my muscles all tense. For a while, I was actually having little muscle spasms - my leg would start kicking and I could only stop it by concentrating hard. This may not sound so bad, but how much time can you spend concentrating on not kicking your leg? And I’m pretty easily distracted. But those went away when I went back to regular stretching. One less thing to worry about.

Sometimes I’m mostly depressed or mostly anxious, but usually it’s an uneasy stew of both, and I just feel… I don’t know. Inadequate, i guess. It’s ridiculously easy to make me feel guilty - I feel like every wrong thing I’ve done is emblazoned on my face for everyone to read, and to judge me. I feel like I’m constantly coming across as being egotistical and self-involved, that I’m nowhere near as smart or funny or likeable as I think I am, and that everyone is talking about me, judging me, even mocking me. Not that they’re wrong to do so, because I’m pretty much worthless. I feel like I’m a horribly selfish person. I can never be good enough, or responsible enough, or strong enough to make myself happy.

I have, at times, been absolutely convinced that I have schizophrenia, or epilepsy, or a brain tumor. (It doesn’t help that I occasionally hallucinate.) I also live in fear of getting in a car accident, or being pulled over by the cops. I remember each and every trivial, embarrassing thing that I’ve done in my life, and I still cringe to think about them, no matter how long it’s been.

At the same time: I realize that all of these things are totally irrational. I know that I’m smart, that I’m funny, that I’m nice and that I have friends. And I know that at the core of me, I am a strong, confident, capable person. Even right now, I can do a pretty good job of pulling myself together, going to work, talking to people, and acting like I’m not insecure at all. At some point, I’m not going to have to act anymore. I’m already in therapy, I’m in line to see a psychiatrist (to see if medication is something I should look into), and I’m working on getting myself together. I refuse to hate myself for the rest of my life.

Wow. I really wasn’t planning on going into all that. I’m going to submit this very quickly, because otherwise I’m afraid I’ll delete it all.

[Glassy]

I have nothing really to add, myself; I just wanted say that my ignorance is being dispelled and my mind broadened, and I appreciate it. As a direct result of this thread, I’m going to treat a certain gentleman of my acquaintance with more respect.

You guys rock.