This question can’t really be answered in the way you’d like. There is no Idiot’s Guide to Being Mentally Ill. Every type of illness is different for everyone who experiences it. Schizophrenia is very different from bipolar disorder, but one person’s experience of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder will differ radically from another sufferer’s experience of the same disease. There are of course certain similarities in symptoms, or else diagnosis would be more of a nightmare than it already is. But the experience of being mentally ill is so subjective that asking what it’s like and expecting a definitive answer is impossible.
I can tell you from my own experience what having a certain disorder was like for me. I was diagnosed four years ago with Panic Disorder. I am now taking 20mg of Paxil daily, and it’s working extremely well. But in the depths of my illness, life was like a nightmare. I was constantly unsure of myself and everything around me. I couldn’t trust anything- if I go to the store, will my heart start beating too fast, and will I then have a panic attack right there in public and have to run away? If I go to a movie theatre, will I feel sick and trapped and have to run away there, too? I learned to distrust my body and to distrust my brain’s perception of what was going on with it. I went through every waking moment having an intense inner struggle with myself. Often about the most rivial crap that normal people wouldn’t even consider for a second. Here’s an example:
laying in bed trying to fall asleep-start hearing heartbeat
Me: Uh-oh. There’s my heart. How come I can hear it? Why’s it so loud?
Voice of Panic: That’s not right. That’s way too loud. And listen to how fast it is. What the hell is wrong with it? Is it steady? Better hope it keeps up the same beat.
Voice of Reason: Calm down. You’re just hearing your heart because you have your face pressed into your pillow and the room is really quiet. It’s nice and steady. Stop worrying and go to sleep.
Voice of Panic: But what I fall asleep and my heart goes into arrhythmia? Or what if it stops? I’d never wake up!
Me: Uh…heart’s going faster…what’s going on?
Voice of Reason: You’re just worrying over nothing again and getting yourself all upset. Relax. You’re a young, healthy girl. Nothing is wrong. Every doctor you’ve gone to has said so.
Voice of Panic: But doctors are just people. They can make mistakes. And it’s been a few weeks since I got a check-up; something could have gone wrong in the interrim. And wouldn’t it just be so ironic? I can see the headlines: “Previously Healthy 20-Year-Old Dies In Sleep; Cause Sought”.
Me: Uh…heart’s really fast now…breathing heavy…head kinda hurts…
Voice of Panic: Head hurts? Of course it does! It’s probably a tumor! Or an aneurysm waiting to blow! You’ve never had an MRI, how would you know if it wasn’t one? You’d better get up right now and do something fast, or you’re gonna die!
Voice of Reason: This is ridiculous. You’re fine. You’re just getting worried over nothing, and your physical symptoms are the product of your anxiety. Take a deep breath and go to sleep.
Voice of Panic: But the aneurysm! It could go at any time now! You’d better get to a hospital quick! How awful if you suspected it was something serious and just let it go. Too many people do that. Your life is at stake here!
Me: I gotta get to the ER!
You can see how this might get at the very least a little tiresome. But the thing is, you can’t rationalize with yourself, or talk yourself down. Not when you’re mentally ill. The world became for me a scary, uncertain place. Everything I did, or said, or even thought had to be carefully weighed and considered in advance. And nobody understood- they called me crazy, or bad, and got very frustrated and upset when I just wouldn’t listen to them. But I couldn’t. So I felt very alienated, and alone, and helpless. And it was so tiring, physically, emotionally. I couldn’t just do anything. My God, think of the consequences! This led in turn to depression- I felt so alone and helpless, and so very, very tired. I was getting no pleasure out of anything, and I just didn’t see the point anymore. Everything was a struggle, and I lost all confidence in myself. Worse, I lost confidence in my very perceptions- I couldn’t trust my own thoughts and opinions. Is this really happening, or do I just think it is? What are the consequences of ignoring my fears? What are the consequences of responding to them? I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t get anything done. I was so self-absorbed in my illness, worrying every minute whether something might go wrong, and needing to be vigilant just in case. It was like being a border guard in a hotly contested land where there’s been an unsually long peace. Something could go wrong any second, so you have to be constantly alert. And when nothing does go wrong, you feel wasted, but you have to keep going, because who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Yikes. This has really gone on, and I feel like maybe I’ve said too much. But if it helps anyone gain an understanding of and a sympathy for mental illness, then I’ve done my job. I hope this at least in part answers your question. Being mentally ill is like being in a dark room where somebody has moved all the furniture around, and everyone around you is asking why you can’t see it. It’s scary, and lonely, and difficult. Hope this helps.