Me and my husband have been married for 18 years 19 this August last year he had an affair and she was 20 at the time and by the end of it she was pregnant. The baby is now 3 months old. She is obsessed with my husband and is using the child to try and get him back I love this baby so very much. when women have babies we go through emotional issue and birth is hella painful but its all worth it after the baby is in your arms well that’s kind of how I feel about my step son he is so worth all the pain of betrayal and all. We are getting ready to file for joint custody because the mother is play baby momma drama they call it…my husband is 46 and I am 45 and we have 4 grand kids so all of this is actually a strange situation and well the mother is still trying to get my husband and does horrible things calls me at work etc…cant do anything till he has his rights by the courts. Need some advice no matter what she does I don’t want to disrespect her so we were thinking about my kids calling me Majia so that he will grow up calling me that is that ok? As I said I love this my step son very much and my husband keeps saying she is a good mom and I keep my mouth shut but yes she loves him and yes he is well fed and clothed but to me a good mother puts her best interest and needs before herself and using your child to try and get a person back or if he doesn’t comply or respond to the 18 text/calls a day not let him see the baby. Trust me that’s just the tip of the ice burg I could go on and on how bad it is …I truly believe she has a mental issue and feel that these things are making it to where I don’t think she is such a great mother but anything I might say in that direction just makes me look like a resentful person but I am honestly concerned for my step son I just want him to grow up in a loving safe environment . he didn’t ask for this and I chose to take my husband back. Am I wrong that she isn’t being such a good mother if your using your child to get what you want or use him to punish when you don’t get your way? Is it wrong to use Majia as my name for momma?
Hello Majia,
Welcome to the boards. This kind of topic really belongs in IMHO, since it’s asking for opinions, so I’ve alerted a mod to move it for you.
EDIT: While not commenting on the content of your post, I find it very hard to read. Proper punctuation, capitalization, paragraph breaks, and eliminiating run-on sentences will make it much easier to understand your issue.
Since the OP is looking for advice, let’c move this to IMHO.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
Above everything else, I admire you for not letting this get in the way of your wonderful marriage. All men lust in their heart, many in their body, some get caught, but they are all still poured from the same mold, and it is wise of you to accept that without wasting all the good in him…
Looking in as an outsider, I’m inclined to say let the child go. His mother’s behaviolr might be mostly motivated by your determination to deny her custody. If she can and will raise the child well, let her go in peace to do so. You have plenty of your own – it’s her turn. Give the mother and child your blessing.
Okay, knowing very little about this situation, my first instinct is you need to back off a little. This child already has a mother. It’s wrong for this other woman to try to break up the bond between you and your husband and supplant you as his wife. But it’s also wrong for you to try to break up the bond between her and her child and supplant her as the child’s mother.
First step is to remove your emotional issues from what is going on.
Find out if you hubby is the daddy. Everything hinges on this.
If he isn’t the Dad, as much as both of you want the best for the child it matters not. Paternal parents have consideration over well-wishers.
If he is the father then you may have to be disrespectful to the mother for you to take care of the child. There can only be so many parents, and when there are two mothers someone is probably going to be hurt.
Like you, I love kids and all are my nieces and nephews. However that being said you CAN’T override what Mom says. And if Mom is crazy and you have no legal recourse you have no legs to stand on.
You need to identify variables (who is The Baby Daddy) before any actions can be taken.
As a Pure Layman With No Legal Training, even if he were the Baby Daddy you don’t have direction over the raising of the child unless the Father is given full custody.
As much as you want to care for the child(ren) I believe (again IANAL), that you will have little to no say what goes on in their life without a court order. And courts need definite information and may not care how good a person you are.
ETA: Paragraphs are your friend.
Men, if you’re 46 and you have grandkids, get a vasectomy already. And don’t cheat. But definitely get your balls snipped, there’s no excuse for shit like this.
OP, your husband made the decision to get involved with someone with a low level of emotional maturity. You need to give her the benefit of the doubt. She might not be the best parent, but unless she’s harming the child you need to back off. As for what the baby calls you, I don’t see how that really matters – a name is just a name.
I can’t tell if you are being facetious or serious. I would guess the former but then you do attempt to give serious advice in part 2 of your post. In any case, interesting editorial.
Some advice…
Unless she is seriously unstable, odds are she will get full custody or they will get join custody.
If she is being harassing, keep a log - not of your thoughts, but of the facts -
“she called my work at xxx AM, said the following to my boss according to the boss.
She called my husband and said xxxxx
She called and asked for xxxxx or else she said that she would do xxxxxx
She showed up at our house with the child and I did not see her using a car seat for the child…”
-and so on. No editorials, just the basic truth, what she did, what she said, what you/he gave her, what you saw.
Nothing beats arguments in court like the facts, if it comes to that.
If she is unbalanced enough to be
Other advice is correct - get a DNA test.
If you are going to end up spending a fortune (one way or another) better be sure it’s for his child.
Minimize contact. If you say anything, or say too much, she will twist it to mean what she wants it to mean and her lawyer will use it in court.
GET A LAWYER. Get a good lawyer, if you can afford it. He will tell you what you can and cannot do.