Creative answers for a question of "Where are you from"?

In My Humble Opinion
121

I actually think this gets to the heart of the problem. It’s been raised a few times that it is hard to take this question too angrily, because from the asker’s point of view, they are just asking an innocent question, and you’d have to be really sensitive to get uptight about it. What you say here is a perfect example of this, and your obvious lack of bad intentions are what people mean when they say “I know she’s just trying to be friendly”.

And if it was a one-off, if you were the only person in your town who did this, maybe it wouldn’t be at all bothersome. You just want to make a connection. But now imagine that someone wants to ‘fight their own ignorance’ or ‘discuss how we got here’, to slightly mangle your words, several times a day, when I am just trying to go about my daily business. That is when it gets annoying.

It gets annoying and sort of offensive when it constantly happens, which is why it gets complicated because you can’t blame a single asker for it constantly happening. But don’t you see that when I’ve been asked about where I come from at length several times already today, by people who just want to share stories as you describe, in a bookshop, when I’m trying to buy coffee and when someone overhears me talking on my mobile, and waits until I finish my call to ask me, that your apparently innocent pushing of the same line of questioning at a bar that night is very tiresome?

pdts

122

yesterday I was calling around for info on water softeners. One guy calls me back and starts to practically grill me on my last name, why I must be related to the boys who do his concrete work and do I know so and so. I told him 1) my name is pronounced different, 2) yes it’s spelled the same as the locals here but I assure you it is pronounced the way it is. I tried to steer the conversation back to water filters and he was having none of it. So he says, where are you from, you’re not Dutch are you? No I am not Dutch, and just to be kind to the old guy I say but my husband is. So he says where is your husband from, now through clenched teeth I tell him Chicago. next question from the grand inquisitor is How did you end up in GR? COmpletely fed up, I tell him oh we took the long route…

he wanted to make chit chatty gossipy genealogy talk, all i wanted was to find out about his freaking Kinetico water softeners. When he calls back with an appt time, he wants to know if tonight would work out. I say no I have to shuttle kids around, OH? hs ears perk up, do they play ball? Beg your pardon, Your Kids, he says, do they play football? I was done with his nosy questions. Said I would call him back after I talked to my husband and hung up on him!

123

Because, as per OP, the people will insist on volunteering random crap that you really don’t have the time for. :rolleyes:

124

Big ditto here. People who say things like “why don’t you just answer the questions?” obviously have never had to deal with this ever, much less their entire lives. It’s annoying and tiresome, and the ONLY reason we’re being asked these questions is because we look different.

This is correct, although because I’ve come to expect the intrusion, it no longer catches me off guard.

125

I guess it catches me off guard because I’m not in a job or situation where I meet new people often. In college I was much more prepared, but in the 1.5 years since I’ve graduated it’s sporadic and does catch me off guard.

126

And, see, the rude version of the question spoils it for all of us who actually are looking for the equivalent of “Texas.” It’s perfectly natural for me to ask people, just to make conversation (in situations in which making conversation is appropriate, chela), where they’re from, and what I’m looking for is the answer “Vancouver,” or “rural Nova Scotia,” or “New Jersey,” or whatever. (Mine is “I was born in New Brunswick, grew up in Winnipeg, but I’ve lived here for half my life.”)

But sadly since people use the question as code for “My, you look different; explain yourself,” you can’t always get away with it. The best equivalent I’ve been able to come up with so far is “Are you originally from Montreal?” or “Have you always lived in Montreal?” since it invites the answer “Yes” as much as “No.”

127

I said it that way because I didn’t know whether the answer was in or out of the States. I would think you were odd if you said “Province of Indiana.” :wink:

What would I say? I suppose it would depend on the larger context of the conversation and whether Lexington, or wherever, had any bearing on it. I might tell you where I was from, if I hadn’t already. I might not have to say anything about it, just file the information: acsenray is from Lexington, Kentucky.

An answer like Urbana, Illinois? I’m not sure if you’re saying that you answer truthfully IRL (but are keeping secrets here) and are not believed, or if you make up answers to confound people.

I’ll assume you’re answering truthfully and your answer is not being taken at face value. I agree that is offensive. I suppose the only response would be to repeat the factual answer with a slightly colder look and tone, and compel the asker to explain themselves.

Yes, I understand. All I can say is that I’ve been thinking strictly of situations where people are already in conversation, or at least in a specific group together. I can’t really imagine overhearing a stranger in a public place and then accosting them with any kind of question about their personal life (though I do believe in small pleasantries with strangers in all kinds of settings). On the other hand, if I meet someone, their place-of-origin becomes one of the top half-dozen facts I’d like to know, to begin to understand who they are.

128

I honestly don’t want your advice. I want strangers to stop prying into my background because they think I look different.

And seriously when I hear people talking about how interested they are in the exotic backgrounds of their new acquaintances, or statements like these –

What comes to mind is someone oiling up to an attractive woman. “Wow, you’re exotic looking. Was you dad in the military?”

129

I was empathizing with you, or trying to–thinking about how I’d react in similar circumstances.

I’m mystified by your bitterness here, and your refusal to explain your specifics makes it harder to work out. You say want people to behave differently, so give us something to work with. I meet lots of people who are only too glad to talk about their origins. How can I tell when someone I’ve met might be carrying around your kind of anger on the subject, and how should I speak to them? Must I carefully avoid references to my own, or third parties’, origins as well, or is it only yours that is verboten?

130

Hmm, I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know when people are asking what part of the state I’m from and when people are asking where my PARENTS are from. So Matt, I would gleefully answer you with “Southwestern PA, born and bred!”

I died and went straight to comedy heaven when Steve Carrell said this on the Office to Rashida Jones a few seasons back.

131

“Exotic-looking” or just “weird”? Because sometimes the first is OK but all too often it’s the latter and that is never OK.

Here is a conversation I get a lot and I fucking hate it.

“Oh, where are you from?”
“I’m E. Indian.” or “I was born in India.” (See? Simple, easy answer…)
“Oh, is it true in India that they have arranged marriages?” or “Did you have an arranged marriage?” Or, “I heard this article about India where they married a girl to a dog, what’s that about?” Or “I heard the Commonwealth games are really filthy, hey?”

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. If all you can think about is your negative stereotype of India I don’t want to hear it. If you are my friend and we have talked for a long time before, I may engage in some discussion on the faults and the good things about India. I don’t hesitate to criticize it but I certainly am not going to get into it with a relative stranger.

Here’s another one.
“My name is Mika.”
“Oh, that’s different. Where is it from?”

“Different” can be sometimes good, but more often, if they mean it to be good, they say, “Oh, that’s a pretty name.” Different usually means, “I couldn’t spell that if I tried but I never will try and I will never balk at a single Polish name even though they can be WAY more difficult”.

And I don’t understand why my name gives you license to assume I am a foreigner. Or my color. Like I said, my SO is totally American. He is named after one of the Founding Fathers, for chrisssakes! And because his eyes are a little bit slanted, people still think he’s a foreigner.

As I said, I certainly am not angry about it…but what makes you think I want to talk about it? If the conversation comes up naturally, sure, say something. Otherwise, I am from Michigan, or maybe Upstate NY, depending on which identity feels stronger at the moment.

The thing is, spark240 claims to want to know because he thinks it has colored my view of the world, and made me a different person than other people he knows. Has it? Could you wait and get to know me a little better before you assume that? Because I guarantee, I don’t talk about my heritage IRL 1/5 as much as I mention it on the boards! And when I do mention it, I am happy to talk about it, because I brought it up!

132

Yes.
I don’t mind when I’m on vacation out of the country or mind that much when I’m in a place where my accent is notably different than the area standard. But when I’m in the city that I’ve lived in since I was a child and the answer “here” isn’t enough for the asker, it’s off putting.

133

It’s actually very easy. Think: if this person didn’t have a ‘different’ name, accent or appearance, would I ask them such a question at this point in my relationship with them. Easy.

So: if you are at a point at a conversation where you might naturally ask a (eg) white American male called Mike where he is from, and where his parents are from, etc, then go ahead and ask. But if you wouldn’t ask Mike that early on, and are only asking because Harry talks funny or Indira looks like she’s from somewhere else, or Ito has a foreign-sounding name, then cram a sock in it.

By analogy: would you ask a white American whether her family owned slaves instantly upon meeting her, or is that the sort of question that might wait until you knew her very well?

pdts

134

I have a friend who was born in Bethlehem (and no, his name isn’t Jesus).

135

Anaamika, please know I appreciate your post above very much. It goes into specifics to explain circumstances and resulting feelings. I believe I understand where you’re coming from.

To clarify one point,

I assume this about all people–that where they’re from, and where and how they’ve grown up, has colored their views and made them different from other people I know. These are hardly the only factors, of course, but as I mentioned, I tend to think of them as among the leading handful.

136

I really don’t know why you think you need specifics to work this out. I am not white, Hispanic, or African-American. I have a non-Anglo-Saxon, non-Hispanic, non-European name. I was born in and grew up in the United States and my accent is American.

That’s all you really need to know in order to work this situation out.

I don’t know that I can give you any guidance, since you seem so wedded to the idea that asking complete strangers about their background is some kind of avocation of yours. I consider it rude to pry into someone’s background until after you’ve established some kind of relationship.

Let me ask you this: Is there any kind of person you wouldn’t ask about their origins upon first encounter?

137

Sounds fair enough. I may already be meeting this standard in practice, I don’t know.

Hmm. That seems a much more specific question. No, I wouldn’t ask anyone ever for historical accounts just upon meeting them.

As it happens, I was just asked yesterday about my origins, by a brand-new acquaintance (customer, not a friend of friend), based on the wearing of an unfamiliar sports-logo cap. I gave my answer–the county, state with my deepest family roots in the New World, and where I grew up–though it is neither my birthplace nor present residence, nor anything to do with the cap logo. So there was some more talk of places (they were new to this area), and I was asked which side my ancestors had taken in the war of 1861. All just pleasantly curious conversation, people getting to know people and a place, yet I get the sense that the level of the queries in this case would have been disturbing to perhaps a couple folks in this thread, because of inferences on the askee’s part about asker’s intentions and prejudices.

So I guess what I’m wondering is if I’m (and all other white Americans, I guess) here asked to be more circumspect when inquiring of people who look or sound more “different” or “foreign”–in other words to exceed the standard pdts details above.

138

The wearing of a sports logo is a de facto invitation for fans of that sport to ask about your sports loyalties and the origin of such sports loyalties (which often is related to the place where one grew up).

So let me get this straight. You live in, say, Boston, and you were wearing, say, a Chicago Cubs cap, and this guy asked, hey, Spark, are you from Chicago? And you answer (something like): Well, I was born in Baltimore; but my family’s really from Philadelphia, which is where I grew up.

(Why do I get the feeling that this brand-new acquaintance was gifted with much more information that he or she really wanted?)

139

Thanks. You grew up in the United States, so the answer I would be looking for, should we meet and I ask you this, would be the region or town, and state, where that was. Pretty straightforward, and precisely the same thing I’d be looking for in asking a white American the same question.

Looking Korean, or Pakistani, and having the name and family heritage to match, is perfectly compatible with being as American as anyone–and is not the same as actually being Korean, or Pakistani, in one’s own personal origin.

Of course people whose personal origin (to me, more the growing up part than just the birth) is outside the United States can become Americans as well.

Okay, to be clear, I don’t make a habit or “avocation” of investigating the origins of everybody I meet. Nor do I ask it of total strangers, out of the blue, ever. But I don’t consider people total strangers after we’ve met, exchanged names and a few words. At that point, I might well ask, either out of friendly curiosity (which might be derived from accent or appearance, or anything they’ve said, or whatever) or simply for the sake of continuing the conversation.

No, I can’t think of any kind of person I wouldn’t ask this about in a first meeting–not by way of introduction (though I’ve had people introduced to me, and been introduced, on this basis), but at some point, sure, perhaps. More or less as people might ask each other, on first meeting, what their profession was, or whether they had children, or whether they were watching the playoffs. Any of these might come up in some contexts, none is usually essential.

No, I didn’t offer all the background. Some comments upthread had mentioned multi-part answers to the question, and I meant to explain how my standard answer is more concise than some, despite not being as simple as that of someone whose roots and whole life are all in one place.

140

I quoted all of what you posted to show that I do see that you get that this is a cultural difference, but I think the part I bolded is a big part of your annoyance with this: It seems uncouth to you. I hope you get on a more than intellectual level that it isn’t uncouth to most Americans; in fact it is friendly. When I am in England, I try to get over my bias that NOT asking is unfriendly. Maybe you could try to get over your bias that it is uncouth. When in Rome and all that.

This thread has mixed together furriners and Americans who are perceived to be “other”, which is unfortunate, as it confuses the issues. IMHO, if you chose to come to another country, it is your duty to adapt to the locals. If the locals like to be friendlier (or more distant) than is your preference, too bad. You accept that when you choose to move. I say this as the daughter of a German woman and the wife of a British man, so I claim some experience of sorts.

On the other hand, if you are born here, but look as if you were born elsewhere, I have more sympathy for your frustration. You didn’t choose, and being asked where you come from must be difficult on a whole different level. You are being treated as “other” when you are not, unlike the emigrant who really is “other.” Nothing wrong with being “other” (I like it when I am in a different place) but not when you are not truly other.