Hi woodstockbirdybird. I think you have some good instincts and some bad ones; at the moment, the bad ones are overwhelming the final product, but that’s par for the course for most inexperienced writers. (Now, this may be presumptuous of me – maybe you’ve been writing scripts for dozens of years – but that’s not the vibe I get.) My point is that I don’t find these scripts as devoid of potential as some of the above folks are implying. There’s a comic voice in there. It’s just being quashed by some self-indulgence and over-reliance on wackiness.
I can’t help but notice the overt similarities to the UK sitcom Peep Show – it feels like a spec script for that show, particularly in the first episode. Two slackers too old to be slackers who spend a lot of time in a bar; one main character is an aggressively anti-establishment, obnoxious, financially hapless, drug-using, lazy, music poseur who treats women like crap; his friend is seemingly more normal and responsible, yet actually neurotic, pedantic mess who has an abiding crush on a female friend. Even the random gun possession and dog-eating scenes seem right outta Peep Show. If this were picked up, you’d have to give Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain some royalties!
The zombie squirrel aspect is where you depart from the expected, but the trouble with that twist is that there’s no inkling whatsoever that the series takes place in a fantasy/supernatural universe. Throughout the majority of the premiere episode, we’ve been dealing with a slice-of-(fucked-up)-life sitcom set in everyday USA. Changing this to a supernatural or cartoonesque world where zombies exist isn’t “fair” to the viewers. It’s a zany, random turn that isn’t set up from the start; this makes it feel like a sketch comedy skit where the writer couldn’t come up with a final punchline.
As I said, you have some good comic instincts here. Some of the dialogue works well, and I did smile at the “are you menstruating?” line. (It helps that I was so struck by the Peep Show similarity that i was hearing the lines as said by Robert Webb and David Mitchell, who can make almost anything hilarious.) But as others have mentioned, most of the time you seem to be trying too hard. People don’t talk in constant self-aware gag lines outside of Family Guy. Maybe that’s what you’re after, but I just don’t know if that gimmick works with real humans. The script is working so hard it’s like a sweaty, nervous stand-up act desperate to wring some laughs from an unsympathetic crowd. You’re not letting your characters exert any humanity; they’re just vessels for your jokes. Not all sitcoms have to be incisive examinations of characters, of course, but if there’s one thing that unites most successful comedies, it’s that the audiences connect with the characters. Even Peep Show manages to find quiet moments to show who these two pathetic idiots really are, giving us some vulnerability and motivation for their behavior.
Basically these are almost prototypical first efforts at a series from a new writer. The scripts definitely need rewrites and some harsh, honest self-editing, focusing on a) reining in your one-gag-a-second impulse, b) developing the characterization, and c) either creating more believable plots or setting up the fantastic universe earlier on.
As far as where you can go with this, well, once you have a more solid set of scripts, you can perhaps try to create a cartoon or webseries out of this, if you have any contacts with actors / directors. You can try shopping it around, but as you know, an untried writer is extremely unlikely to get any bites with an original series. Have you written any spec scripts? 'Cause that’s the usual route to TV writing.
Anyway, I hope this helps a bit. I applaud your bravery in showing this to us, and your good nature in listening to some harsh but, I think, well-intentioned critiques. Good luck to you!
