I’ve never cried at work, or all that much ever, I’m not wired that way; but occasionally something will get me choked up. Men cry, it’s no big deal. That said, add my vote to the occasionally OK, often, not OK pile.
To the specific situation of crying in response to criticism, I agree that’s unprofessional. I don’t think it’s any *more * unprofessional than losing one’s temper and getting physical or yelling and cursing, or than launching a passive-aggressive snit. Those other varieties of unprofessionalism are also not uncommon and detrimental, perhaps more so, to productivity and morale.
I also think a lot of times when someone cries in response to criticism from management or verbal abuse from customers they do have something else going on in their life. It may not be the death of a child, but consider something like a loved one slipping back into addictive behavior, a spouse leaving you, a teenage child getting pregnant. It might have taken everything that worker had to get up and go to work that morning after dealing with conflict the night before, and they probably don’t want to share the details of the situation. Nevertheless, it might not take much to push that person over the edge that day one way or another. Good managers give some thought to how they give negative feedback to otherwise good employees, and allow employees to disengage from abusive customers.
Some jobs are more flexible in terms of taking personal time off for a family issue, or choosing to spend a day getting caught up on filing with the office door closed. Other jobs have point systems for unscheduled absences and expect workers to be face to face smiling with customers every day no matter what. I expect crying is more frequent in jobs with no flexibility.
Of course we have to manage our emotions in a work environment, but not to an unlimited extent. Not so much that we must suppress our humanity. We just try to be practical, and when circumstances exceed the limits of our control, we let go. If our colleagues don’t care about our situation, we catch shit for it. If they do, we don’t. Simple as that. There’s no rule for chrissakes.
In the past month, I have had about 4 episodes of staff crying. I take them off the sales floor into our conference room, provide a box of tissues, a large cold water, and an ear (actually both). I get them calmed down, give them an extended break and tell them to come back on the floor when they feel ready. Our corporate culture is friendly, inclusive and really exhibits a true commitment to team work…
Everytime it has been younger (late teens/early 20’s) employees (mixed sexes, slightly more females than males). Everytime it has been because of abusive customers. Sexist, racist and insyulting behavoir on the part of those customers, generally over an act of thier own ignorance/bullheadedness. (What the F…k do you mean I need ID to give you a cheque?? etc).
A few times I have had the delightful experience of being able to identify and confront the customers. I explain to them that they need not shop here any more, that we do not want thier business, and that I hope they enjoy the rest of the day. Elsewhere. I then give them 1 minute to leave the premises before I call the police and have them charged with assault.
NO ONE makes my employees cry, or treats them with such utter disrespect or rudeness.
FML
Um…I said “a few exceptions”. You can cry at your daughter’s weding or at the end of Saving Private Ryan if you like.
There’s a difference between getting emotional over some real shit versus crying because your boss yelled at you for turning in your TPS report late.
I cried at work on Thursday, but then, so did a lot of other people - contrary to msmith537’s proclamation, several of the people crying were men. One of our well known, well-loved co-workers died unexpectedly in a car crash Wednesday and most of us had only found out about it hours earlier. Many people lost their composure when the director spoke to us about the accident.
That was a rare exception, though. The only other time I cried at work wasn’t long after I got out of college and I was upset at myself even then for being unprofessional. Under normal circumstances one ought not cry or, as Harriet the Spry said, shout as a reaction to things that happen during the work day. If it happens once, that’s one thing, but it shouldn’t be a repeated performance.
What the hell–do we have crying police now?
I’ve seen Presidents of banks cry, CFOs cry, doctors cry, paramedics, pts, coworkers and visitors cry. Oh, an hospital chaplains and my own pastor (and he cried at good news).
Men cry. They do.
I can’t find my post (? I posted in here earlier) but I have cried at work. Never in front of a pt, although I have teared up (rarely) when sharing a moment of grief with family etc. Long story, but I was called on the carpet by Darth Vader, (aka the boss from hell in soooo many ways, not the least of which was her essential incompetence and poor communication skills, but I digress). It hit me at the wrong time of day and in already stressful circumstance and yes, I teared up. I regret it to this day, since D was (is) a bully and my crying just about made her cream her jeans.
What you said was “With a few extreme exceptions.” A movie isn’t an extreme exception, it’s a movie.
I will heartily agree that crying every time things get tough at work is indicative of someone who doesn’t have their shit together. Maybe once every few years if things are really ultra-shitty, but if it’s a regular occurrence, you need your head checked.
I mean, if nothing else, people need to realize it’s just a job. I don’t give a hoot what my employer thinks of me as long as they don’t want to fire me.
I have cried at work twice in my career. Once was many years ago and I don’t recall the circumstances. The second time was a few months ago. I was going through a bunch of crap in my personal life, had been promoted about 3 months before that and then my supervisor said she ‘needed to talk to me’. It seems someone had complained to her TWO MONTHS prior to that and I had already dealt with the situation, discussed it with my sales exec etc. (my exec agreed that I had done nothing wrong)
The thing she said that set me off was “If this position doesn’t work out, you are always able to go back to your old job.” I realize now that she was saying there would always be a job there for me, but at that moment it was the entirely wrong thing for her to say and I just broke down. I’m not proud of it and I don’t make a habit of being emotional at the office. It was simply bad timing.
Forgot one: our elementary school principal upon discovering that the Kindergartner whom we all thought was lost had been picked up by her grandmother off the playground. He was not the only one in tears.
Fiveroptic–that is terrible. Poor little girl. 
Anyway, I agree that crying is not something to aim for or do regularly, but we’re all normal humans and humans cry.
Cultures are so different in regard to crying.
In Egypt, during a job interview (conducted by an Egyptian, for a job that would entail managing Egyptian employees), I was asked “how do you feel about employees crying?” I gave the right answer for the context, which was to say “well, you have to be prepared. It happens.” The interviewer chuckled, reached for his tissue box, and said “yup, here are the Kleenex I keep handy.” In Egypt, most emotions - anger, joy, sorrow - are right out in the open. Bosses know that part of the job is to deal with crying employees (largely female ones; a man crying would not be impossible but it certainly would be less frequent).
In Indonesia (or at least Java, which provides the dominant cultural influence where I live and work) a premium is placed on emotional control over anger, tears, everything. People look down on you if you show any strong emotion.
And yet, last week I almost started a thread called “Today, I made a grown man cry.” I didn’t mean to make him break down, but I was well-prepared for the meeting, in which I reviewed the shortcomings he needed to fix, and had anticipated in advance all of the “buts” he was going to give me. So every time he did, I’d whip out a copy of an e-mail with the relevant section highlighted showing that his protest was wrong.
Apparently I was quite effective. He cried and told me how sorry he was. Okay, so now I think he is a bit of a wimp. But I also think he was very sincere in feeling bad for disappointing me, which I will keep in mind in our future dealings.
Me, I was reduced to tears by a needling boss once (I’m American, he was American). I excused myself, went to the bathroom and got myself under control. Would crying have been inappropriate? Maybe not - it would have demonstrated to the boss that his own behavior was excessive (since I am fairly tough and would never cry easily, as he knew). But it was a personal pride thing - hell, I can be leaving a sad movie and everyone around me can be weeping, but I can’t stand for anyone but my husband to see me cry. If necessary I’ll run to the car and sob in private. Not that many movies have that effect on me anyway.
During training for a physically very tough job, I sat at the break table - not sobbing, but unable to stop the tears as everyone else headed back for their shift.
The boss wandered over and didn’t actually look at me, but said into the ether;
“Everyone gets to a point in this job where they have to decide if they can do it or not. The guys hit things because they’re not allowed to cry, the women cry because they’re not allowed to hit things - then they decide. See you in two minutes.”
I decided I could do the job.
It’s as valid a generalisation as anything else I’ve seen - women crying or men losing their temper (and vise versa for those who insist) are both disgusting when used as manipulation - because they’re both a natural reaction to unnatural stress.
I’m a fairly emotional guy in a very emotional field. The trouble is that you just never know what that straw is going to be that breaks the camel’s back.
When I was in medical school, I had a particularly difficult week on the VA Medicine service. I had two or three patients die on me and I never shed a tear. I fought with a resident and had some other serious personal issues come up, and I was fine. Then I got home on Friday night and burned the frozen pizza I was making for supper. I broke down in the middle of my kitchen floor.
The few times I’ve broken down at work have been similar–long stretches of suck that just added up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I wouldn’t think less of anyone crying at work, as long as it’s not that frequent, the person makes some attempt to be private about it, and they don’t expect it to be anybody’s problem but theirs.
I seldom cry in front of anyone, but I did once in a job interview!
The president of the company was interviewing me, and he asked where I got my work ethic. I started to explain that my father had given me my work ethic… and tears. My Dad had died suddenly a few weeks before that, and the company president had to pass me a box of tissues.
He was very gracious, and said that he knew my heart was in the right place. I was a little embarrassed, but I got the job anyway. That poor man felt terrible once he learned of the circumstances, and left a thoughtful card on my desk to let me know.
Other than that, I cried at work when my Mom called to tell me my aunt had died. My boss (different boss, different company) hugged me and told me to take an early lunch and come back whenever I felt like it.
And I got a little teary-eyed when my OB’s office called me at work to confirm that I was, indeed, pregnant. (Not sad, just emotional, and surprised.)
I can’t recall any client or co-worker making me cry, though.
Hopefully, like Betamax, this lousy attitude will be phased out as people continue to adapt to the human condition.
On the flip side, men lose their tempers far more often in my observations. I’d rather have someone crying than someone taking it out on everyone else.
I’ve cried – once, and admittedly, the only time I’ve seen someone at work cry. I got news that my grandmother died in a car accident right at work and kinda lost it. In my defense, she lived with us while I was growing up, so she was far closer than the rest, and she was one of these spry elderly people you were sure were going to outlive you, so her death was a total surprise. I went home right afterwards.
I just wanted to add that I don’t think less of anyone for crying. (well, cicada lady, but she sounds “special”). I tend to admire men who can cry, especially in public (I don’t want you all to go out and beat on drums or find your inner man, but a bit of crying never hurt any guy in my eyes). It shows you care.
I highly doubt most people do it to be manipulative. I think most people are appalled when it happens and want it to stop.
Maybe it’s because I’m a nurse, but I see people cry a lot. We always have Kleenex on hand (and believe it or not, “smelling salts”). A doctor who can cry after a difficult code* (say a choking baby who ends up dying) is a better doctor (IMO) than one who can’t. And many of us in health care end up doing what Dr J related: going home and something small opening the floodgates. With all the shit we see, we’d be monsters not to cry.
*I participated in a code on a doctor who dropped while making rounds. He did not make it. The room was in tears.
Maybe you trained me!!!
Marc
I’ve never cried at any corporate job, but I’ve cried several times working in the strip club. It is a job that can really get to you, depending on your mood, what’s going on at home, your co-workers attitudes, and the kind of money you’ve been making that week. I’ve definitely ducked into the manager’s office for a stress-relieving cry a time or two. And usually I go on home if I’m upset enough for that to happen, because it usually means that I’m burned out and need a couple of days off. Luckily, in this business, you can take those mental health days when you need them.
IIRC for a long time you were working as an attorney, but now do something else professionally. Is that right?
Did you ever, in your career as an attorney or in your current career, come close to tears or shed tears? What were the circumstances? How was it handled?
You have asked others. You should be prepared to answer the same question yourself.
In 28 years as a working adult, I have cried twice. Once when I got a hernia while working on a Don Johnson music video. Once when I was teaching a workshop and got a call telling me a close friend had dropped dead at 54 of a MCI. First time was tons of pain. Second time, I got it together and kept teaching the group.
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