Weeping doesn’t necessarily equal grief. I mourned their loss, certainly. I don’t believe that it’s a result of repressed grief, despite your armchair psychology. I think that as people get older, the watery eyes thing is a natural progression of one’s mental faculties. My stepfather used to get like that, and I used to wonder WTH was wrong with him; it’s Topo Gigio, for god’s sake! I think we become more emotionally vulnerable as we age, but just because it’s the natural order of things, it doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it.
I have a Master’s Degree in psychology, bubba. That was a completely unnecessary dig.
This topic pushes a LOT of hot buttons and stirs up disproportionate defensiveness. Especially from men. I still can’t figure out why.
You know it already. We are taught from an early age not to cry, and to suppress all of our emotions. Women learn to deal with their emotions, men don’t develop that skill. Later in life it becomes more difficult to suppress emotion and we don’t have a rational coping mechanism to deal with it. Lowered testosterone levels may be a contributing factor in increasing the level or occurrence of our emotions also. There’s also the maturity that’s been mentioned, we know those emotions are there, we’ve encountered the triggers more often, and we know they aren’t just going to go away. And finally in many cases we realize the full impact of things we were trying to ignore before.
I had the reputation for being a crybaby as a little girl (under the age of 8). I still remember the deep shame I felt at being scolded for crying too much. At that time I don’t actually think I could have kept myself from crying.
Perhaps for that reason, as an adult I never cry in front of anyone other than my husband and even with him I do my best to avoid it. I probably cry fairly frequently for both trivial and serious reasons, but nearly always when I’m alone. However, sometimes I find it difficult to cry about the most emotional events. For instance, when my father died I couldn’t really cry. I still haven’t cried about his death despite the dreadful shock and pain I still feel at his loss, and it happened more than a year ago.
The men I know well don’t really cry. I’ve never seen my husband cry, and I never saw my father cry (though apparently he did in private, according to my mother). OTOH, my father-in-law cries quite frequently these days. His wife died a couple of years ago and since then he has been emotionally reeling. It’s very sad.
One thing I absolutely cannot stand is the cynical emotional manipulation used on TV when it comes to tears. For instance, TV interviewers will do their best to provoke their subjects to tears, then the camera immediately zooms in to a closeup of the person sobbing. It is so voyeuristic and calculated. There’s nothing wrong with crying, of course. But to exploit the genuine emotional reaction of someone (who has probably just been through some traumatic experience) just to boost TV ratings is really beneath contempt.
Black, male, mid-50s. Raised along the lines of something George R.R. Martin wrote in “Tuf Voyaging.” “They saw strength as they only virtue, weakness the only sin.” We were discouraged from crying early and often. The last time I cried I’d been hit hy a car on the way home from grade school, and I still caught hell for it.
I haven’t gotten more prone towards emotion in my later years, and I seriously doubt I will. If it does happen, it’ll be the ending of Raising Arizona; the scene where they return the baby is the only thing I’ve come close to getting choked up about, every single viewing. It’s weird.
I have been crying really bad at funerals lately. First my aunt (which wasn’t lately, it was more like 10 years ago), then my other aunt (3 years ago), then I really lost my shit at my grandpa’s funeral (2 years ago), and toned it down a bit but was still super blubbery at my friend’s funeral last January.
Of course most of us cry at funerals but I am a pretty reserved person and I really lost it at those I mentioned above. Like I kept everything together too long then BAM! Blubbering.
On the flip side, I watch videos about rescue animals or videos of soldiers coming home and seeing their dogs for the first time and I also cry. Not like I do at funerals but it flows!
Here’s the thing. What happens when you cry? You can’t see, because there are tears blurring your vision. You can’t talk, because your voice is distorted by sobs. Oftentimes you can’t even breathe. You can concentrate on nothing except the fact that you are crying.
You are helpless.
It is never good to be helpless.
I used to cry quite a bit when I was a teenager. I was awkward and alienated and felt like everybody hated me, and I often cried about it. I got over that when I got into my 20s and became more confident, and didn’t cry very much at all.
Now that I’m getting toward 50, I find that I do tend to cry more easily again–that “old guy” crying that’s been mentioned. The last time I cried was just last week, in fact, when I was lying awake at night worrying about getting older, and my health, and the state of our finances, and so forth. It actually woke up my wife, who had to comfort me and tell me things would be all right.
I don’t like it. I don’t like how it makes me feel, and I don’t like the way it brings back the awkward lonely teenager that I used to be. It’s something that I thought I had put behind me, and now it’s coming back.
It makes me helpless.
It is never good to be helpless.
I used to cry a lot. Happy, sad, surprised, frustrated, depressed. Didn’t matter, the tears would flow. Last time I cried was in 2006 when my dog died. Since then I haven’t cared enough about any one or thing to even get misty-eyed. What with age and meds for bipolar, I’m not sure I could squeeze out a tear if I needed to. There have been times when I longed for the catharsis of crying; but just didn’t happen.
Crying gives me comfort when I’m hurting so very badly inside. Stoicism is often or at least sometimes possible at these times but it only makes me feel much, much worse.
40+ year old male here.
I cry not infrequently, but then I always have.
Seldom when I’m happy, almost always when I’m sad or frustrated.
I cry when a loved one dies.
I cry when I watch a particularly sad movie.
I cry when I hear songs about losing people to death.
I cry when the frustration of raising three children gets too much for me.
I cry when I think about how far my married life has drifted from what I had hoped for.
I don’t really feel good after crying.
If it’s been prompted by a sad moment in a movie, then I might think “well, I guess it’s good that I can feel such emotion,” and I don’t mind too much if anyone notices.
If I’ve been crying out some pent up frustration, I suppose it might feel somewhat cathartic. But generally, it just makes me feel weak and ashamed, like I’m losing control, so I try to hide the waterworks.
This for me, too.
Show me a movie in which a kid is suffering or dying and I’m a blubbering idiot.
I couldn’t bear to see my own children suffer. That must have been truly agonizing for you.
Damn. That is some truly Spartan shit right there.
Not weird at all.
Well, maybe kinda’, what with the Coen Brothers and Nicolas Cage and all. But I love that movie. And I can absolutely see why someone might get choked up by it.
You did, and quite condescendingly. Here it is:
Unless there is some other way to parse those words…
I didn’t, see above.
Real situations that do not support your thesis are somehow “provocative and defensive”? Interesting. How does that make you feel?
Sorry, can’t honor either request.
Thanks for sharing. Hugs!!
Awww, a hug! ::sniffle:: A bit dusty in here isn’t it?