Cultivating the Phantom Wipe (way TMI)

Factual Questions
1

WARNING: THIS QUESTION IS ABOUT POOPING

So I just spent ten minutes and damn near a whole roll of TP chasing down wily Feces Pieces that were lodged/smeared in my rather manly crack thatch.

Given that I’m at work, and they use Industrial Bath Tissue, and the motion activated lights in the Company John turn off after about eight minutes, I can’t say that today’s oblation was particularly pleasant. Imagine rubbing your delicate nether regions with road salt, in the dark, and getting stink palm for your trouble.

So I’ve resolved to do whatever I can to ensure that, in the future, I consume as little toilet paper as possible. To pass what I must as quickly, cleanly, and efficiently as I can. Hopefully without leaving any smear marks on the bowl.

In other words, I need a sure-fire, garunteed way to get the Phantom Wipe.

My diet isn’t particularly bad, but it ain’t particularly good, either. Maybe one meal a day is fast/processed food. I get a decent amount of fiber from whole wheat, spinach, nuts, and beans n’ rice. I probably consume more than my share of protein, but I’m a skinny dude with a really high metabolism. Too much salt, fat, and coffee. Maybe a six pack of suds on the weekends, and a couple of glasses of red wine every other night.

So what do I need to do? Eat more fiber? Less fiber? Protein? Quit drinking? Well?

I, and my delicate nether regions, thank you.

2

Try to adjust not only your diet to produce a well defined, not too soft stool, and your schedule to more convenient times.
Till then get a package of baby wipes with a large pocket or purse size ‘wallet’ to carry a days supply. Smoothly wipes up last traces, and soothing moisture all go together to ‘soften’ the clean up operation.
Sure beats corn cobs or old Sears Roebuck & Co. catalogs of yesteryear!

3

Baby Wipes. The only way to be sure. :smiley:

4

Umm… ummm… Oblation? You must be a lot of fun to sit next to when the collection plate comes 'round. :eek:

5

Extra fiber can’t hurt, especially breakfast cereal. I’ve found that a single bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats can turn a goopy, 1/2-roll job into a single square wipe-n-swipe. (Oddly, other cereals don’t seem to be as effective…YMMV of course.)

6

Preach it, brother!