I’ve always hated going doo doo. It seems like such a waste of time, plus it’s smelly and it means I have to…well, wipe my ass, which is gross too. So, I’d like to optimize my diet to reduce crappage to a bare minimum, while still maintaining good health. I know there must be a certain combination of foods that are more efficiently digested by my gastrointestinal tract. What can I do, short of taking all my food intravenously, to do this? I don’t mind going wee wee, so drinking all my meals is not a problem. Of course there will be times when the temptation of a hearty meal will overpower me and I will have to return to the crapper. Besides, I’m sure it’s good to run something through there every now and then, to keep the lines clean, per se. If I can reduce output as much as possible, that would be enough though.
If someone comes up with a feasible diet, I will try it for a week and report back to you. The all-beer diet hasn’t completely worked for me, so it’ll have to be better than that.
IANAD so consult your physician before you change your diet drastically… but I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t go onto a mainly liquid diet. There are lots of nutritional plans out there that are in a liquid form that you could try and given the proper vitamin supplements you could probably get away with it for a while… but… on the other hand…
Your body is designed to work in a particular way. Cleaning things out may not be the only problem you face with an all liquid diet… the body is designed to eat solid food so switching over to liquid may cause all sorts of unanticipated problems…
My advice is to talk to a professional about why you have such a problem with pooping in the first place.
I don’t think you’ve got a chance, Democritus. Remember that it’s not just your beef by-products going down the water flume, it’s your body’s own waste materials. Years of reading Cecil’s column have left me with vague terms like “bilirubin” that I can’t quite define at the moment but which I seem to recall is what’s responsible for much of the brown color of your offering to the gods of porcelain. Regardless of the details, your body does produce waste products from the mere act of keeping your beer-swilling carcass alive, and some of these products can’t be disposed of through urine.
At least, that’s what I understand the case to be.
OTOH, if you come up with something that works well, let me know and I’ll put my doggie on it. I’m pretty sure I could teach him to pee in the toilet, but he’ll never have balance good enough to allow him to pinch loaf there.
I know there are people on here who are paranoid about reccomending things like this, in case they would be held liable if I died from eating…say, too much celery or something. Don’t worry. Any diet i try will be of my own accord and I will not hold you personally responsible for anything detrimental that happens from following your suggesting. Well, unless you tell me to eat broccoli. Yech!
I was just going to mention broccoli, Demo! No, just kidding.
But I was going to mention that if nothing works, if you start to regularly consume a large amount of grape soda, your stool will begin to turn green. Normal, everday stool, but it just happens to be green. Its not a solution to your problem, but a change of pace is always a healthy thing. It could take your mind off of things.
So why does it turn green? I was sick with the flu and other nastiness for a few weeks, living on jello and crackers, and noticed this. What happened? Talk about scaring the sh[avoiding the obvious pun, let’s just say I panicked].
I know plenty of breastfed babies who pooped a-plenty, but my friends’ baby hardly ever did. They thought he had some horrible condition and had to run tests. They ruled it all out and just realized that his body was very efficient at using the breastmilk, and there were few waste products from it.
Maybe it could work for you. Finding a source is your problem.
Scylla, one of the biggest reasons I want to stop pooping is because it is gross. Now do you really think a colostomy is going to be less gross than crapping?
What I was thinking was something like what dolphinboy was saying. A liquid nutritional drink, like Ensure or something, perhaps supplemented by eating some celery or other roughage that was mostly water maybe once a week. To floss out the old intestines. Another concern is that I don’t really know exactly how many calories I need to be taking in. If anyone can help me there, I’d appreciate it.
FYI: I’m about 6’, 200 lbs, moderately active (lots of sitting around, with some excercise like cycling, calisthenics or weight training about 3-4 times a week). What do I need to consume to be healthy?
Yes, as Knead to Know said, there is lots of other stuff in poo besides just leftovers from dinner. Used up red blood cells (your body replaces about 100,000,000,000 - that’s one hundred billion - every day), broken down hemoglobin which makes bilirubin, plus mucus and icky things collected and destroyed by white blood cells are all things you want OUT of your body! And poo is the way.
In fact, some nutritionists believe your bowels should move in a 1:1 ratio with the number of times you eat. I personally think that may be excessive, but I wouldn’t want to give it up altogether.
One question I have - why the problem about cleansing that part of your body? The anal region would seem to be one that you’d want to keep clean.
For good colon health (and I am not a doctor), I’d go for plenty of water, good sources of roughage or fiber, and a generally balanced diet. If you eat properly to begin with, you may find that poo becomes less of an issue.
I don’t think that a liquid diet would do it. Most babies (leave it to CrankyAsAnOldMan to find an exception!) on formula or breastmilk liquid diets poop quite a bit.
I suppose you could avoid fiber, but that could possibly make the pooping, when it eventually does happen, even less pleasant than it already is.
Perhaps we could come up with solutions to make pooping more pleasant for you. You say it’s a waste of time. Keep a good book or a magazine rack in the bathroom, or buy some of that crossword puzzle toilet paper. Maybe you need a laptop in there so that you can catch a few threads on the ol’ SDMB. It’s too smelly. Well, maybe there are diets that could make it smell less. Avoid garlic and beans, for example. You need to wipe. Hmmm…well, maybe you need a different kind of paper. Get the good stuff. They make flushable wet wipes for adults these days, too. Maybe you’d prefer a bidet?
I noticed over the Easter holiday that eating many black jellybeans will turn your poop green, too. It’s a byproduct of the food coloring involved, I believe.
[sub]I can’t believe it! I got to share my amazing discovery! I love this board![/sub]
