I can’t get off the goddam toilet. My ass is blowing up every friggin 15 minutes. These are horrible, green and chunky creatures that must continue to erupt in a powerful explosion into my toilet, flicking little bits back up at me. I have been having bad shits all week and I just want them to go away.
I just wiped up just now and my hand brushing up against my cheek (you know which one) returned to me with a thin mucously yellow layer you know what. And I’m not even mad about that, I work in a lab and I’m used to touching all sorts of different gross things. I’m just most upset that I haven’t had a normal bowel movement in a week.
Let me explain: I love to shit. Shitting is one of my favorite things in the world. Nothing is better than a good one and I look forward to taking them on a regular basis when I get home from work, or after a big meal. My girlfriend can’t even understand it and makes fun of me. Why does it take you so long? Because it’s a calm process for me! A good shit with a good book is my personal therapy time. Here is a normal conversation I’ll have with her.
Her: Hey where’d you go?
Me: Oh I was just in the bathroom.
Her: You left 30 minutes ago, is everything all right?!?
Me: I feel great!
It’s gotten to the point where she will come to the door and tease me, flicking the lights on and off to get me to freak out and come out. “Are you pooping?” she’ll ask while wiggling her fingers under the door, and I’d shout “Go away you’re ruining my time!”
In fact, I’d dare say I feel constipation more than death. If I go a day without shitting I begin to go crazy, and can’t leave the house. I will eat pure ruffage and watch documentarys all day without answering the phone while shouting at the pink elephants charging through my room.
But alas, my regular joy in life has become the oh-shit-i-gotta-get-to-the-toilet-right-now events that are erking my personality. I think everyone can tell by the look in my eyes and they just mostly try to avoid me I guess.
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000]
say I feel constipation more QUOTE]
Should have been fear*… I hit return by accident before I was done ranting… I could go on, but I’m sure no one wants to hear anymore.
Ooh, good point. Could be E. Coli if so. If you have eaten said spinach, contact your MD. If your diarrhea goes on, also- contact your MD.
Note I really like a good shit myself. Soft BM, but not too soft; a good book, and ten/15 minutes of relaxation. Dudes- do relax while taking a shit, it’s Ok to take your time and relax. OTOH, don’t spend too long, don’t “camp out” in there. Go in and take what time is needed to have a nice relaxing BM without straining or sitting too long.
A few years ago, I had surgery. They put a foley catheter in me. I almost slugged the nurse when she took it out of me. Good thing I was too drugged up to make a fist. I mean, that sucker HURT! And I told her that childbirth was probably much less painful than foley removal.
She said no way, childbirth was far worse.
A few days later, her claim was proven to me.
You see, after the surgery I was on percosets. Those cause constipation. After about a week, my surgeon called me and told me I had to take a dump. “Give it the old college try”, he said. So I did.
Now, you’d think that a rock-hard 9 pound turd that’s 5 inches in diameter wouldn’t fit through such a small opening, but by golly it did. By the time I was dilated 5 centimeters, I was ready to kill the guy that did this to me. I was perusing The Big Book of Baby Names to decide what to call the little shit. I had an urge to start a college fund for it. “You’ll have shits of your own someday” entered my lexicon.
bigbabysweets2000, what part of Boston are you in, so that I may avoid that area for the next several days? Also, what’s up with the bathroom light being outside the bathroom in Boston houses? Ours is like that, too; it’s so weird. Everytime someone from out of town comes to visit, I make a point of showing them where the light is.
bbs2000, years ago when my kids would end up with residual diarrhea after a virus that killed their good intestinal bugs, a pediatrician taught me the single most useful thing I’ve encountered in my life: the BRAT diet.
B - bananas (slightly green)
R - rice
A - applesauce
T - tea
It’s amazing how quickly one’s innards can return to normal on this diet. Never needed more than 24 hours with either of the kids or me.
But I agree, first see your doctor to rule out anything more virulent. And congrats on some thorough TMI!
Could be E. Coli if so. If you have eaten said spinach, contact your MD. If your diarrhea goes on, also- contact your MD.