What is up with little shits that won’t come out? You know, a small strip of shit that hangs at the edge of your asshole and just peeks out a little for a look around, but refuses to take the plunge? Trying to wipe it away just smears it around. And it won’t go back in. So I sit there for hours, clenching and unclenching, wiggling like a fucking hula dancer trying to shake the damn thing free, but it won’t budge. Fuck it. Next time, I’m bringing an ice cream scoop.
(I may not have convinced you of the direness of the situation, but I can guarantee you that you will never ask me to serve you ice cream.)
On a related note, what’s up with this situation? You finish pooping. You wipe. You zip up. You buckle up. You wash. You dry. You begin to head out the door. Suddenly, your bowel says “Yo pal, we’re not done yet. Get back in there and do the job right.” Sometime it happens to me two or three times in what should have been one sitting.
It’s times like these, eating breakfast at 1:30 PM, that I’m glad I can stomach nearly anything. Just a minute or two I felt queasy (quite apart from this thread). How happy I am that I am typing here instead of throwing up.
There’s a special place in the bowels of hell for turds like this.
It helps to wipe from the top down and use a “flicking” motion when you abut the rebel turd. If you use the normal “clean the area” motion, you will no doubt create a shit smear emergency.
I’m not going to pretend this is Ass Wiping 101 stuff. This is an advanced wiping technique with a not negligible risk of “stink-finger” and should only be attempted by those who have mastered the introductory materials.
That’s what happened to one of the copywriters for UPS the day he came up with the slogan “Brown and Change”.
