Hey. Pssssssst! Do not order the chocolate ice cream.
Funny enough, I was just thinking we hadn’t had enough lately. I’d been cruising down memory lane with aha’s “Ever Shit Your Pants” thread and laughing like a loon.
Of course, that probably says more about me than anything else.
I think this type of problem requires its own special dance…if you saw a particular Mr. Hankey episode they demonstrate it. Kind of removed from the pee-pee dance, but in the same general category of wiggling/shuffling.
That sounds like a must read. Could you give me a link?
Geez, sorry! I was confused! I really thought it was just a phase!
Dammit. Beaten to the punch again. Learn to read the whole thread before you post, SolGrundy.
Godammit, I just took a brownie out of the microwave before I read this thread.
Now I can’t eat it. 
I was thinking more along the lines of peanut butter. With corn.
Sure you can. It’s not going to stay at 98.6 forever.
Maybe they’re afraid of turd burglars?
Too bad that thread is so old, as I would have a good story to add.
I have no idea what I ate, but whatever it was, it didn’t agree with me. I left work thinking that I would have to go soon, but it was OK because I was taking a cab home, and I could hold out for 20 minutes. How wrong I was. Five minutes into the ride, I realized that this was to be no ordinary bowel movement. This was going to be explosive projectile diarrhea. This was beyond the mundane. This was going to be real Wrath of God, Divine Retribution type shit. This was going to be diarrhea of Biblical proportions.
For some reason, the cab was extra slow that day. Apparently there was a drag race, participated in by every little old blue haired lady in town. And they’d somehow caused all lights to turn red. Permanently. Traffic was at a complete standstill. But my lower intestine wasn’t. It was churning away in top form. And my ass was going to do its Mount Vesuvius impression at any moment.
Finally, I made it home. Of course, the elevator was slow, but I didn’t dare take the stairs. At long last, I made it into my apartment, barely got the door shut, barely got my coat off, and barely got my pants down. I positioned myself to sit on the toilet, poised in fine form with my ass about a foot and a half above the seat, when it happened.
All over the toilet, all over the floor, all over the wall, all over the sink, maybe even a bit on the ceiling. That sure was some aerodynamic fecal matter.
As I sat down in a pool of my own filth, I heaved a sigh of relief and thought to myself, “At least I didn’t shit my pants. 'Cause that would suck to clean up.”
Oof. Yeah, that would have fit in nicely in that thread. If someone hadn’t beaten me to it with the link, I’d have posted it, since I happen to have it bookmarked. Again, that probably says more about me than anything else.
If you’re into the bodily function humor, might I also suggest Will Somebody Please Stop the Farting?
Oh, yeah.
TMI alert
What I really hate is mornings like this one when I can feel the cramping in my abdomen but can’t tell whether it is caused by needing to poop or by the time of month. Obviously, I’m female, got my period yesterday, and had a touch of diarrhea this morning. Non-obviously, I was coming down with a cold yesterday, which has moved into full miserable “blow your nose every five minutes mode” Dayquil helps, but the temptation to curl up with a book and feel sorry for myself rather than do homework for next week’s classes is strong.
"Alan and Jeremy were teenage drag queens … at night they would go to the Haagen-Dasz on Castro Street, and Jeremy would leap up on the counter, kick down all the tasting spoons, and then Alan would shove a vanilla ice cream cone up Jeremy’s butt, to ‘I Will Survive.’ Patrons did not know how to react. ‘Thank you… :dubious: 
:eek: :eek: …I don’t want sprinkles on mine…’
“I told my mother that joke, and the only thing she said was, ‘…Dat’s too cold!’”
- Margaret Cho
(yes, I have a quotation for EVERY topic. Thank you for asking.)
Turtle head poos are the worst :rolleyes: