I’m pretty sure it was “I pit my ass”, without the TMI part.
Sounds like the OP has been eating his green veggies though, good for him.
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000]
I can’t get off the goddam toilet. My ass is blowing up every friggin 15 minutes. These are horrible, green and chunky creatures that must continue to erupt in a powerful explosion into my toilet, flicking little bits back up at me. I have been having bad shits all week and I just want them to go away.
I just wiped up just now and my hand brushing up against my cheek (you know which one) returned to me with a thin mucously yellow layer you know what. And I’m not even mad about that, I work in a lab and I’m used to touching all sorts of different gross things. I’m just most upset that I haven’t had a normal bowel movement in a week.
Let me explain: I love to shit. Shitting is one of my favorite things in the world. Nothing is better than a good one and I look forward to taking them on a regular basis when I get home from work, or after a big meal. My girlfriend can’t even understand it and makes fun of me. Why does it take you so long? Because it’s a calm process for me! A good shit with a good book is my personal therapy time. Here is a normal conversation I’ll have with her.
Her: Hey where’d you go?
Me: Oh I was just in the bathroom.
Her: You left 30 minutes ago, is everything all right?!?
Me: I feel great!
It’s gotten to the point where she will come to the door and tease me, flicking the lights on and off to get me to freak out and come out. “Are you pooping?” she’ll ask while wiggling her fingers under the door, and I’d shout “Go away you’re ruining my time!”
In fact, I’d dare say I feel constipation more than death. If I go a day without shitting I begin to go crazy, and can’t leave the house. I will eat pure ruffage and watch documentarys all day without answering the phone while shouting at the pink elephants charging through my room.
But alas, my regular joy in life has become the oh-shit-i-gotta-get-to-the-toilet-right-now events that are erking my personality. I think everyone can tell by the look in my eyes and they just mostly try to avoid me I guess.
[/QUOTE]
I hope you are using asswipes - regular toilet paper can be rough after awhile! 
You ate my whole bag of Licorice you selfish bastard!
[QUOTE=ouryL]
I hope you are using asswipes - regular toilet paper can be rough after awhile!
[/QUOTE]
By the way,
I found using a wireless laptop hoped me *pass * the time…
[QUOTE=gigi]
I’m pretty sure it was “I pit my ass”, without the TMI part.
Sounds like the OP has been eating his green veggies though, good for him.
[/QUOTE]
Good for him…? Hell, if he was the USS Enterprise, he’d be out of Photon Torpedoes by now…!
“Captain! Its Ceramic Engineering…! We Canna Hold the Strain…!”
[QUOTE=El Cid Viscoso]
You ate my whole bag of Licorice you selfish bastard!
[/QUOTE]
Heh. Heh, heh, heh.
My son learned a valuable lesson on greed and gluttony once by eating an entire pound of dried apricots in one sitting.
:eek:
[QUOTE=Mama Tiger]
bbs2000, years ago when my kids would end up with residual diarrhea after a virus that killed their good intestinal bugs, a pediatrician taught me the single most useful thing I’ve encountered in my life: the BRAT diet.
B - bananas (slightly green)
R - rice
A - applesauce
T - tea
It’s amazing how quickly one’s innards can return to normal on this diet.
[/QUOTE]
A quick caution, however: if you have problems with fructose malabsorption skip the bananas and applesauce, or you may end up right back on the shitter. I speak from experience here. Substitute other gentle carb sources not containing fructose. Oh, and the caffeine in black tea can also irritate touchy digestive systems. (Also from experience, and more times on the pot.)
[QUOTE=rivulus]
A quick caution, however: if you have problems with fructose malabsorption skip the bananas and applesauce, or you may end up right back on the shitter. I speak from experience here. Substitute other gentle carb sources not containing fructose. Oh, and the caffeine in black tea can also irritate touchy digestive systems. (Also from experience, and more times on the pot.)
[/QUOTE]
On the tea - yep. About 13 years ago I bit into a meatball pizza in New York City. The meatballs bit back. For a week I was running to the bathroom every 20 minutes with serious, painful cramps. I tried every dietary mod in the book including BRAT, and even tried Immodium which didn’t touch the problem. Finally went to a gastro enterologist and when I mentioned BRAT(ea) he said that the caffeine in tea could worsen the problem and he considered “T” to be “toast”.
I don’t think it aggravated my situation… hard to imagine anything making it worse short of eating an entire bottle of Ex Lax (and I have my doubts about that).
The doc did have me bring in a stool sample (and all the way to the office I was thinking “Dear Lord: I don’t want my purse stolen. But if it’s ever going to happen to me in my lifetime, today would be a great day for it…”). They cultured it. No identifiable pathogens but based on blood work they decided it was likely bacterial (and it had been happening for a week at that point) so gave me antibiotics. 24 hours later I had blessed relief.
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000]
(clip)… I work in a lab… (clip).
[/QUOTE]
Just curious…are there any nasty, biologic specimens in your lab? Might they be contagious? Did you wash your hands?
Here’s hoping your colonic calamity clears up quickly.
Just wanted to point out that this is unlikely to be related to the current spinach-related outbreak of E. coli diarrhea. The strain that causes outbreaks in the US is O157:H7, which is an enterohemorrhagic strain, usually causing grossly bloody diarrhea.
So it could be worse.
I thought BRAT was bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. Not that tea doesn’t make sense, or anything.
[QUOTE=FrantzJ]
I thought BRAT was bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. Not that tea doesn’t make sense, or anything.
[/QUOTE]
Does now. Used to mean tea. See above.
(I learned tea as a kid and toast with my kid.)
I suggest it’d becomes BRAP= “P” standing for Probiotics. Tea can be OK, but soemtiems not. And even toast (depending on the bread used and the spreads) isn;t always the best idea.