Democritus, you’d do best to face the facts and embrace reality: pooping is not only necessary, but can even be enjoyable. Bluntly stated, there are few things one can do (legally) that as satisfying as a big, healthy dump. The few minutes of post-excretory glow should be among the most rewarding moments of your life.
Ever seen a puppy dog being walked? Notice how, after they do their business, they jump and scamper and prance like they’re so happy? That’s because they are happy. They feel a lot better than they did just a moment before. I know the feeling: it’s like you’re 10 lbs lighter and are floating 2 inches off the floor. If you could bottle it, it would be illegal.
I recommend you eat plenty of fiber, or even take a fiber supplement. They come in little capsules these days, so it’s no more unpleasant than taking vitamins. But there are good sources of fiber that are tasty, too. Try Mediterranean food: Tabouli, Falafel, Baba Ganoush. Your bowel movement volume will increase, but the amount and unpleasantness of wiping will decrease. On good days, it’ll even slide right out and not even leave a mark on the paper.
Other than that, your only real alternative is to eat as little as possible. Recent studies in primates have shown that animals that are on restricted-calorie diets are actually healthier than those who are on normal diets. This conclusion is supported by anthropological data.
Intentionally constipating yourself so that the ex-food festers in your gut is BAD. It can lead to colon cancer, diverticulitis, abcesses… basically your guts begin to rot.
Opiates will work for a short while, but unless you’re willing to really get strung out on heroin (which is hard to dose properly and carries a severe risk of overdose, or at least permanent neurological damage), your body will eventually adjust. I’ve been taking 10mg hydrocodone tablets for years to manage back pain, and my body has adjusted to most of the side effects, including constipation.
Now, I remember when I was a kid, in the '70s, my mom went on a “Predigested Liquid Food” diet, desperate to lose weight and be skinny. But I haven’t heard of it in years. She didn’t eat food - she just took a few ounces of this red, syrupy liquid. And I know for a fact that she didn’t poop much - once a week maybe.
Does anyone know what this “Predigested Food” stuff was, and if it’s still available? This is the best mention I could find on a Google Search.
[PS - mom gave up and accepted her natural body shape. Thank goodness, cuz she loves to cook, and cooks extremely well.]
