American Movie Classics, you should really consider changing your name to The Big Buckets of Shit Movies with Endless Commercial Breaks Plus We Don’t Show Good Movies Anymore Channel. I especially enjoyed your showing of “The Big Chill”, PLAYED BACK TOO SLOW, so that JoBeth Williams sounded somewhat like Dick Butkus everytime she uttered a line. Plus, was I dreaming the other day or did you actually air Diabolik, a movie best known for being featured on the last episode of MST3K?
Hello, Bravo, when you’re done taking turns with AMC being The Godfather Channel I’d like a few words. First of all your daily airing of Columbo reruns is the only remotely admirable trait I can find about you, you stinking, syphillitic French whore of a cable channel. “Indie Fridays”? How about “Straight-to-Video B-Movie Smegma-Eating Pieces of Celluloid Vomit Stained Shit Pukes Fridays”? I like that better. In a just world anyone responsible for The Actors Studio shall be impaled thusly on my sword of justice, their innards set ablaze for all to gawk at. Oh, and thanks for Filmologie. When I’m watching a piss-poor celluloid dung-suck from 1997, I want to know as much about 1997 as I can. I’m not watching you anymore because you’re bad. That’s right bitch!
TLC Should be the Reality TV Channel. Notice how they stopped calling it The Learning Channel? That’s because there’s really not much you can learn from watching women giving birth from 2 to 4 in the afternoon. There’s not much to all their “World’s (adjective)-iest (nouns)!” shows. Yes, watching police videos is entertaining, but you aren’t learning.
The only redeeming show is Junkyard Wars, and that’s because it isn’t produced by TLC and is imported.
The Disney Channel (#1 and #2) and Toon Disney: your logo is Mickey Mouse. My 3-year-old wants to watch Mickey Mouse. But it seems every weekend is a “marathon” weekend for one of these channels, and it’s never a “House of Mouse” marathon. My daughter gets quite upset when in the land of 1000 satellite channels I can’t find just one showing of Mickey Mouse.
F/X, I like some of your shows, but I really wish that you wouldn’t show those Buffy and The Practice commercials without a lick of warning! I mean, I’ll be watching MAS*H and my young children are there and BAM! there’s a horrific scene from Buffy that guarantees I’ll be losing sleep that night, or whoops! there’s a shower scene from The Practice, helping me educate my little boy! I’m not objecting to the shows themselves, just the fact that there is no lead-in to the worst scenes in the commercials! Just “HELLO! a ghastly vampire dies or HELLO! lawyers do each other wildly.” At least give me a few seconds to change the channel for a bit so that my babies aren’t treated to this stuff, OK? Pretty please?
Comedy Central your ignorance amazes even moi. Long ago you ditched MST. Big fucking mistake you dolts.
You come up with shows like “Beat the Geeks”, and I seriously wish someone would. Literally. Beat those fucking geek bastards. Beat them severly with a heavily spike encrusted implement. Now you have the most retarded shows any network has ever conceived: Crank Yankers. How original. You would have done better hiring the Jerky Boys. At least then it may have been funny. And please tell me, HOW THE FUCK DOES COLIN QUINN MERIT HIS OWN SHOW??? That talentless hack wasn’t funny on SNL or as a stand-up, and guess what? He still sucks!
What next? Drop South Park? The Daily Show? Oh wait I know: Add even more reruns of SNL!
Fucking idiots. I think I’ll go take a shit now and envison your top brass trapped in my toilet bowl.
To add to kp_72110’s Comedy Central rant, Battlebots is not comedy, dammit! It’s a show that’s kind of cool the first time, boring every time after that, and **not[/] funny!
Isn’t it amazing how all these specialty channels slowly turn into boring, general-interest crap over time? MTV, VH1, TLC, ABC Family (crappy reality shows are family TV?)…
How long will it be before C-SPAN realizes its ratings suck and start paying Congressmen to star in reality shows?
Next on Survivor: The Congressional Challenge, Bob Dole and Tom Daschel compete in the concrete jungle of our nations capitol to see who can SURVIVE a trek through the ghetto and win the coveted Crackhead Award
VH1 and MTV - you cant show music videos anymore, you have to show interviews, documentaries, but the worst thing is VH1 Movies that Rock - that nothing to do with music - for example Friday, 3-14-03, Naked Gun - WTF, the only thing tying this with music is that Priscilla Presley is in it, and she was married to Elvis.
There’s more to history than Hitler, The History Channel! And there’s more to history than Ancient Egypt as well! And then, when you’re not actually showing Hitler, you show some stupid program about Bigfoot! How in the hell is that history? You even had to fuck up This Week in History for me and drop History’s Lost and Found.
There seem to be about 2 hours per month of NEW programming among them all. Those two hours are repeated 4 times a day for the next 29 days on one channel, while the rest make do with with rerunning their programming produced 10 years ago, plus hacked up B movies produced any time in the past 70 years. Any good movies shown are guaranteed to be shown 400 times a week, til we are all SICK of them.
Can I take a shot?clears throatAhem…ahem. Animal Planet–you have a show called “Breed All About It” which features a different dog breed every episode.So why not one for cats?There are at least as many cat breeds as there are dogs.SO WHY NOT A BREED SHOW FOR CAT LOVERS,YOU MORONS?
IDBB
Then there’s the “Law and Order” channel. I forget which one it is, TBS maybe? That’s ALL THEY FRIGGING RUN! And my parents LOVE that show, so that’s ALL THAT’S EVER ON!!!
C-SPAN is actually useful during some events when you don’t want to hear idiotic talking heads drowning out everything that’s happening. I don’t NEED constant commentary!
The Sci-Fi Channel. One of the reasons I got cable in the first place, and look at it now. They cancelled MST3K, they’ve cancelled Farscape, and they give time to the Biggest Douche in the Universe, John Edward. Plus, in their promo for their adaptation of Philip Jose Farmer’s Riverworld stories, they didn’t once mention Farmer’s name. (I also hear they’re not including Richard Francis Burton, the central character of the whole Riverworld series, and one of the more fascinating historical figures. Morons.)
They did worse than cancel MST3K, they still show the last season OVER AND OVER on Saturday mornings. For Christ’s sake, can’t they get rights to some of the older shows? It was on for years!
MTV- Why do you feel the need to show a marathon of shows every week before you show a new episode? I see a marathon of Road Rules Real World Battle of the Sexes on Friday, then on Saturday, then on SUnday. All fucking day. The same episodes. I have seen you rerun over and over and over every single week.
Every episode of True Life that airs you have to show 6 or 7 episodes before it. I can’t go on because it frustrates me that a network can get away with this kind of programming schedule.
Comedy Central aka SNL Central. You are just as bad as MTv. There is 5-6 hours of SNL minimum. Then we have to sit thru reruns of BAPS and The Burbs every fucking weekend.
MTV. Music television, yet there is hardly any music. I remember in the eighties there used to be music videos all the time and it was wonderful.
Now all they have is a bunch of craptastic shows, half of them being hosted by that tool, Carson Daly. Now if I want to actually see music videos i must go tune into MTV2. Which is what MTV really should be.
Dear Cartoon Network (the only channel I will watch that does not have Jeff Corwin):
Thank you so much for showing cartoon gems, and having several hours of Adult Swim every night. Thank you for finding cartoons that would make it big many years ago (Johnny Bravo, Dexter’s Laboratory, Time Squad, Powerpuff Girls, etc.). It’s interesting that you bought the first season(s) of Pokémon from WB!, and I cannot do enough to show my gratefulness over your showing all the Futurama episodes in order, giving me a new obsession. The new He-Man is kinda fun, and I like how you show the old G.I. Joe stuff.
However, why the fuck are you showing Yu-Gi-Oh!? Jesus christ on a stick, have you watched it? I watched a full 2 minutes of it and now I’m scarred for life! I’d be infinitely happier if you would put something like Dora the Explorer on during its once-a-week slot!! And not only that, but you have that new Transformers Armada crap that makes me angry, and why won’t you stop showing Cow and Chicken? Ick. It’s like Ren & Stimpy for morons. And you have Hamtaro. HAMTARO. Hamtaro makes me embarrassed for having had hamsters when I was young and not allergic. I won’t blame you for the Scooby Doo constant showings very very early, or the new series you’re getting. It gives me time to turn off the TV. But those other shows, ewww.
Fox News…please move a little to the left of Mussolini and stop kissing Dubya’s perpetually incompetent coke-snorting devil-worshiping ass all the time…no one with an IQ above idiot range believes you have any intention of being “fair and balanced”…and please send Bill O’Reilly to France. Thanks.
Hey TNT! Showing Law and Order reruns for 18 hours a day does not mean “We Know Drama”. It means you have no new ideas and nothing worthwhile to add. I hate that show, only because it is always on.
And TLC, if I wanted to watch "A Baby Story " and a “Wedding Story” I’D FUCKING TURN ON LIFETIME CHANNEL. FUCK YOU.
